Setting boundaries about advice giving from a friend (2)

[JollyJazz]

Hi All,

I have a good friend who is quite a lot older than me (about 20 years), and who (like me) has also had a BpD parent. We've been friends for quite a few years, but in the last few years she has been peppering me with relationship and career advice (always unsolicited). A while ago I left a very toxic workplace situation and she got really angry about me leaving (because she thought it might be bad for my career). It was definitely the right decision for me at the time, and I don't think it was bad for my career at all.

I realized that all the pressure and advice giving was starting to affect my self esteem and make me feel bad about myself. The tone of it is like someone scolding an errant child. I am an adult, and someone that has struggled with self confidence for a long time.

I've been trying to say less about certain parts of my life to this friend because of the way her advice giving has been making me feel. When I haven't  done as she as advised she has just doubled down on the advice (every time I talked to her) and in recent months was always being 'too busy' to meet up.

I showed some of the emails she sent to me to two therapists (the one before my current one) and they both expressed concern that my friend was being critical and controlling.

I have written two replies to her emails.

I wrote them both as carefully as I could and checked them off with my therapist who thought they were good - assertive but also validating her positive intentions in giving the advice. They were both extremely carefully worded. I explained how her advice giving made me feel.

She reacted to the first one by telling me that I'm not being a friend by not sharing these personal things.

In response to the second one -  haven't heard from her at all now (and it's been a few weeks). It's hard not to feel bad about myself I guess I know intellectually (and my therapist assured me of this) that its okay to ask for boundaries, privacy, to assert myself and say how something made me feel. But another part of me feels so sad and like I've done something wrong. I really liked this friend and it makes me feel very sad to think I've been cut off now

Any thoughts/perspective/advice on this is welcome

[bloomie]

Hi JollyJazz - It is sad that your friend responded to your sharing how her advice giving was tearing at you with defensiveness and then silence. I am really sorry. This kind of thing is so hard to address. With intrusive types of  people asserting ourselves in kindness is love and friendship. That is what authentic and honest relationship ups/downs look like. If we ignored the behaviors and continued to allow them that would not be love imv.

I have found that when I reach a saturation point with a friend's behaviors that are consistently over the line and doing harm when I set a boundary and speak up for myself it will either end the relationship altogether, or clarify things and we can work through it together and they adjust their offensive behaviors depending on the level of health of the relationship and the other person.

I am thankful you have the support of your T and that you treated this friend like an emotionally mature adult and addressed this. Glad you shared and so sorry you seem to be receiving the silent treatment.

[notrightinthehead]

Jollyjazz I am so happy to read that you are doing well.
You did the right thing in telling your friend how her advice giving and then enforcing your compliance made you feel. You gave your friend a very rare gift - honest feedback. How often in our life do we get that? And your friend has the choice of taking that gift and adjusting her behaviour so that your friendship can continue to grow and benefit both of you, or to reject your gift, continue on her path and find another person to shower with her - possibly - co-dependent behaviour. 
Now you can respect your friend's choice of having less contact with you, grieve the loss of what was good for you in that relationship, tell yourself that you had come to a point where there was no more mutual benefits, and let her go in a loving way. She was good for you for some time and now you must both be on your own path.

[JollyJazz]

Hi Bloomie,

Thanks for your reply! I really appreciate your kindness and thoughtful perspective

I grew up knowing that (what I now know as) healthy assertiveness was too dangerous to express. It's taken me a lot of work to get to this point.

On one hand I feel sad about what has happened, but to keep going as I was, was impossible. I am glad that I've said something, in the kindest and best way I could. You are right, it is about being honest, and honoring ourselves, instead of just people pleasing.

[JollyJazz]

Hi Notrightinthehead,

Thanks for your thoughts.

I feel like I've been grieving for a while now. The ball is in my friend's court now. I do hope things will work out, but I am prepared for it if it does not.

I'm so glad I worked through the responses so carefully with my therapist, I do value my friend and I definitely haven't ever wanted to hurt her at all.