Found you yesterday and here I am!

[4-degrees-of-separation]

Hi, there.  My husband and I are four degrees separated from a Great Kid (aka GK) who is, We fear, being "parentalized" (if that's the correct term) and we're not sure if there is ANYTHING I can do to prevent the coming train wreck.

How much info is "too much" to share here?  Hmmm.

Our daughter has lived with her partner/boyfriend for almost six years.  He has been divorced for seven years.  He has every other week (EOW) custody of his nine-year-old daughter.  We are the closest thing available, nearby, to act as grandparents, so we provide before and/or after school care.  GK feels we are all family.  (And we love her.)

Will you send me to the correct forum to list examples of GK's mother's behaviors that are making the child crazy?  And how we can best respond to counteract all the crazy stuff her mother is "uploading" into this child's psyche?

The words coming out of GK's mouth are NOT representative of a child's thinking or vocabulary.  The mother's actions are not respectful of the father's rights or importance in his daughter's life, or even of the EOW custody they agreed to.   

[4-degrees-of-separation]

Quick example:

Yesterday, she told us that making sure Mommy is happy is her biggest job.

[Penny Lane]

Hi 4 degrees! It sounds like the kids are lucky to have you in their lives.

I read a book that might really help you called Don't Alienate the Kids! Raising Resilient Children While Avoiding High Conflict Divorce. There's a whole section for friends and family that might help you out. It's more geared toward the time during divorce but it applies to really any conflict.

I think the best thing you can do is be a loving, stable presence in her life and let her really be a kid around you.

I also think you can gently push back against the things she's hearing from her mom. Not directly. But you can tell her how great you think her dad is, giving her specific examples. You can talk in general about how kids' #1 job is to learn and play and grow up healthy. You can model healthy conflict resolution behaviors. There are some more tips here.

If you want to hear from others who are dealing with similar situations to your son in law, you might check out the coparenting board.

Welcome!

[4-degrees-of-separation]

Thank you!

"I've learned so much already," writes the woman who graduated from HS at 16 and went to work to help her single mom pay off her debts .   Parentalizing, eh?  LOL  Now I even understand ME better!

I will move to the recommended forum.