Strangers that contact you about your nc

Started by beacartoonheart, May 30, 2019, 05:48:43 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

beacartoonheart

It has been a little over 3 years of NC with my bpd mother and i received a fb msg from a random stranger asking me to "mend my relationship with her"  i doubt i will respond as i have nothing nice to say to this person.... I'm upset because she is clearly still making me look like the bad guy... She plays an amazing victim. Part of me wants to explain to this person the monster my mother really is, the other part of me still does not want to hurt my nc parent. I get frustrated because the truth is not told but i also realize she has a disorder and she only sees her truths, i just wish people would stay out of it.... Anyone else dealing with this? What was your approach?

Call Me Cordelia

Wow, that's some hutzpah to contact a perfect stranger and tell her what to do in her family relationships. I think you're right, ignore and block. Anybody taken in so completely as to get involved in something that is very obviously not their business is not someone to trust with your side of the story.

The other thing that comes to mind is this might not be a random stranger, but someone you do in fact know using a fake account. Either way, it's a trap! :ninja:

I can see why you are angry. It's completely unfair that you should just be going about your life and this person just intrudes all the ugliness back to your consciousness. If I can flip it the way I eventually did with my parents' hoover attempts it may help: You already knew what your mother was doing, but now you simply have more proof nothing has changed. Thanks, flying monkey, for validating my choice! Now back to my happy life. :wave:

moglow

People believe what they choose to believe. If your mother is like mine, she's very convincing and plays the concerned mother well. Nothing you can say or do would change that perception.
I'd almost be tempted to respond, asking them who they are and why they're inserting themselves into a situation they know nothing about. Ultimately it's just a drama train I'd have no desire to ride. All that person knows is what your mother told her, no doubt heavily edited. It may be your mother was thinking to force contact from you. No way to really know.
I know it must be frustrating, just remember you chose no contact as a last resort, not on a whim. It took a lot to get you to that place - think on *that* rather than this stranger's skewed perception of what they think is best for you.
"She had not known the weight until she felt the freedom." ~Nathaniel Hawthorne, The Scarlet Letter
"Expectations are disappointments under construction." ~Capn Spanky, The Nook circa 2005ish

stasia

After I'd been NC for a few months, M sent a distant relative whom I've never met (so not TECHNICALLY a stranger, but again, never met them, because M had split black that side of the family when I was very young) to go find me on social media. I guess because M didn't have Internet so couldn't do that herself. And message me that M was SO upset and SO worried and I needed to contact her and also she needs me to do XYZ. Because M was never just concerned about me for me. If she ever expressed worry about me, the underlying feeling was "OMG, if something happens to my daughter then who will help me?"

I didn't answer and blocked the relative immediately and never looked back. I felt very unsettled by this entire thing, and later very angry - how DARE M sic some relative I don't even know - a relative that M, BTW, has talked crap about for my entire life and clearly does not like - on me? That's stalker behavior and it's gross and not OK. I'm sorry it happened to you.

I was very tempted to respond with "you know, M has spent my entire life telling me what awful people you and your immediate family are, so if you've been told I'm awful, you might want to consider the source." But I did not. It was VERY tempting, though.


gettingstronger1

Wow. This stranger who contacted you has a lot of nerve. An emotionally healthy person would not insert herself into a private family matter especially when she has never met you. It is also especially obvious that your mother is continuing to gossip and smear you to others. Consider this a blessing in disguise. You have further proof that your mom continues to smear you to anyone who will listen.  This is a good reminder of why you should remain non contact with your mother. 
If it were me, I would block this stranger and offer her zero information on the estrangement. There is absolutely nothing you could say to her to get her to see your side or to get her to understand your mother's abusive behavior. You know the truth. That is all that matters.  I am sorry to hear this happened to you. It is a sad and frustrating situation, but you gained more information about your mother that can hopefully give you courage to continue non contact.  Best wishes to you in dealing with this.

Gaining Clarity

I'm sorry that you have to deal with this intrusion into a very painful situation.

Agree with others and Cordelia's theory that it could be someone you know isn't far-fetched.

All I can offer is my own experience. I'm NC more than 18 months now from narcM and FOO. I've had many FMs sent my way, mostly immediate and extended family. FOO has smeared me to family and mutual friends, many of whom have chosen to believe what they hear and have turned their back on me. NarcM is good at playing the helpless victim.

I don't respond at all. I don't want to re-engage and it often was used against me when I did try to defend myself (Get upset, JADE and then FOO says, "See, she knows she's wrong"). My thinking is that if people choose to believe them, then there's nothing I can do to change their minds anyway. Eventually people will realize the truth and those who choose not to are not worthy of being in your life. I chose to focus my time and energy on the positive things and people in my life as well as my own healing.

Hoping you find peace.

betta fish

Hi,

I am going through something similar.  Just be careful, it might be a fake account created by your mother.  But I have had strangers come to me in public with similar requests, so it is possible this is indeed a real person.  Responding will do nothing for you and will be shared with your mother. 

When a stranger came up to me to say I should call my mother I just asked : "Do you often go up to strangers to tell them what they should do or is it just me?" The question seemed to make them think and made this stranger uncomfortable.  Sometimes a little feedback on their behaviour is not at all a bad idea. Most people will never go up to strangers to tell them how to behave, pointing that out can sometimes make them think.  Making it awkward is a good way of making people think about their own behaviour.  I try to keep it nice, just asking about they chose to get involved in this situation.

Good luck and stay strong.
"Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman."
― Maya Angelou

gettingstronger1

QuoteWhen a stranger came up to me to say I should call my mother I just asked : "Do you often go up to strangers to tell them what they should do or is it just me?" The question seemed to make them think and made this stranger uncomfortable.  Sometimes a little feedback on their behaviour is not at all a bad idea.

I like that idea. That is a good point. You are politely helping her see that her behavior is inappropriate.

beacartoonheart

Thank you guys, it's just so frustrating, one minute you think you are in the clear, the next she is in my face again. I felt like writing something along the lines of " i spent 30 years of my life trying to help a woman who did not want to be helped, suffered mental, emotional and physical abuse from that woman, lost family and friends taking her side and believing her lies until it almost drove me to suicide... But go ahead and keep trying to tell strangers how to live their lives without knowing a damn thing about them and their situation. I chose a second chance and leaving her the way i did was not easy but the best decision i have ever made, mind your business. "  and then i slept on it and decided a stranger or if it is my mother neither of them even deserve an explanation. I blocked this person, but i do think you are all right, this is in fact just a reminder of what i walked away from and maybe i need that once in a while to remind me that i did the right thing. Thank you.

Foxbrown

I have literally just received a friend request on facebook from a woman whose children my UNPD Mother taught at school some 17 years ago who I vaguely remember from my time working in a pub where she used to drink. We have not spoken in this time, nor have any mutual friends on facebook. However, she lives in the same village as my UNPD mother so no doubt has been swept up in the smear campaign. She must have looked me up to add me, as I wouldn't have shown up in her "people you may know" list.

I won't be accepting the friend request. I am expecting  a direct message though and not sure how I will respond at this stage, as after a little stalking myself I can see she has recently lost her new born grand child  :-[ as desperately sad as this is, I can almost see that my UNPD mother has been jumping all over this poor woman about what a terrible daughter I am for keeping her away from her own grand child. It makes me sick to think this woman is genuinely grieving whereas my mother will be rubbing her hands in glee at the thought of another flying monkey recruit to guilt me into contact and getting the sympathy vote and another person duped into believing I am a monster.

Sorry to hijack your thread, just wanted to share that you are not alone, that the behaviour of these PD's is text book and I totally get it. Chin up and rise above!

beacartoonheart

Foxbrown, you def did not hijack the thread! Thank you for sharing your story.Without the people on this site sharing their experiences i'm not sure where i would be. It's terrible that we connect over such awful circumstances but i'm happy knowing i'm not alone especially since people who have not gone through similar situations just don't understand. 

SerenityCat

A stranger emailed me out of the blue to say that I should be nicer to my mother. My abusive mother and I had been completely out of contact for twenty some years, initially by her choice, then as I came Out of the FOG I realized that NC was a very good thing.

I was still NC with my mother and remained so, she since has died. So I don't know the full story of how this stranger and my mother interacted, except that it had something to do with shared genealogy interests.

I did not respond. The stranger then emailed me again to "apologize" while also writing too much information about her own supposedly difficult life. I don't think this was actually my mother in disguise, but ya never know.

The whole experience was so weird! Creepy. I experienced an uptick in anxiety and general triggering.


BettyGray

So inappropriate! The nerve! This happened to me a few years ago. A "family friend" I hadn't seen or heard from in 35 years emailed me and did the same thing! The lengths they will go to to disrespect our boundaries never ceases to amaze!

beacartoonheart

Yeah the msg on social media was asking me to "mend my relationship because life is too short" as if my nc bpd mother and i just had some sort of childish fight..... If only they knew just how complicated the situation is and always has been.

EnglishLady

Really sorry you are experiencing this. 

My Narc Mother cries at the drop of a hat to anyone who mentions my name.  She hasn't contacted me in years and doesn't acknowledge me at all in anyway.  She's a very good actress !

So these "tears" have sometimes prompted FM's to contact me to say "You're Mother is really upset about your absence"   OMG how little they know.  I respond by saying it's nothing to do with you, you haven't lived my life, you only have her version and she's manipulating you, so please keep your opinions to yourself"..........end of .  If they haven't lived it they have no idea what we go through. 

I wish you strength.  :)

Fuzzydog

The stranger-as-Flying-Monkey thing is unfortunately way too prevalent. I am so sorry that this judgement has to be dealt with.

I had a stranger overhear a conversation I had with a friend in a diner, and make a point of interrupting to tell me that her daughter had "dumped" her "for no reason" and that I had no idea how much I had hurt my mother. I responded that she had no idea how much my mother had hurt me, and frankly she was waaaay out of line to eavesdrop and butt in.  She was offended.
Her whole tone was a "reprimanding a wayward child" kind of thing. I was 62. I have a pretty good idea how things must have been with her daughter.

Call Me Cordelia

 :aaauuugh:

You handled that like a boss, fuzzydog.