Guilt overload

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AnonymousS

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Guilt overload
« on: May 31, 2019, 04:01:06 PM »
After reading the 100 traits I highly suspect that my ex partner has PD.
we have a baby daughter together and separated around 3 months ago.
Due to him continuously being verbally abusive infront of her and occasionally slamming doors I was advised that when he sees her it is to be supervised by somebody from my family so that I am not alone with him.
Me and my family cram upstairs once a week whilst he sees her downstairs and a middle man passes her to and fro if she needs feeding.
She’s always been difficult due to health issues and unfortunately spends the majority of the time crying whilst he sees her..
Due to his past manipulation I just feel so guilty...
I feel like he’s waited the whole week to see her and when he comes all she does is cry  :sadno:
Supervised contact is not going to be forever, just until they develop a bond and she is comfortable with him ..
She’s breastfed so needs me close by and unfortunately I truly am the only person who manages to soothe her..
This guilt is really eating me alive but I really can’t be around him due to instantly getting panic attacks in stressful situations ..
I need to know, am I being cruel ?  :sadno:

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Poison Ivy

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Re: Guilt overload
« Reply #1 on: May 31, 2019, 11:19:32 PM »
I don't think you're being cruel.  In fact, I think you're making the best of a difficult situation. 

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AnonymousS

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Re: Guilt overload
« Reply #2 on: May 31, 2019, 11:32:07 PM »
I don't think you're being cruel.  In fact, I think you're making the best of a difficult situation.
So glad you think so, Thankyou for your support !

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athene1399

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Re: Guilt overload
« Reply #3 on: June 03, 2019, 08:34:34 AM »
I agree as well. You are doing your best to allow your ex to visit your baby, even though it must be difficult on you to hear her cry. And there is nothing wrong with not being comfortable in the same room with him. It is not good for you to torture yourself by forcing yourself to sit with him. Plus you are close by if the baby needs to be fed.

Is there an official visitation agreement, or is this something you two have agreed on?

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AnonymousS

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Re: Guilt overload
« Reply #4 on: June 04, 2019, 11:21:41 PM »
I agree as well. You are doing your best to allow your ex to visit your baby, even though it must be difficult on you to hear her cry. And there is nothing wrong with not being comfortable in the same room with him. It is not good for you to torture yourself by forcing yourself to sit with him. Plus you are close by if the baby needs to be fed.

Is there an official visitation agreement, or is this something you two have agreed on?
Thankyou for your support ! Basically his solicitor sent me a letter asking for me to get in touch regarding contact.. I got in touch with a solicitor myself and she suggested I email his with my terms and said if he disagrees he can take me to court. So for the past couple of weeks heís been doing things on my terms.
He still finds ways to try to get to me, like going to the top of the stairs so that he knows I can hear and asking my father things and saying ďbecause Iím not allowed to speak to her am IĒ  I know that sounds small but it really gets to me.

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athene1399

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Re: Guilt overload
« Reply #5 on: June 05, 2019, 08:47:51 AM »
 I am glad he is listening to your conditions for the most part. I don't think that's small at all (him walking up the stairs to talk with your father where you can hear). It sounds like he's being passive-aggressive in a way. That would get to me too. Maybe put in your conditions that he has to stay downstairs. Maybe have another family member sit down with them. Then you have one person to bring the baby to you if she needs to be fed and anther person your ex can ask questions to, and that person can leave the room if needed to give you the question upstairs (and the other person can remain with the baby and your ex). I don't know if this is feasible or not, I just feel terrible over the stress you must be feeling. But he may just find another way to bother you.

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AnonymousS

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Re: Guilt overload
« Reply #6 on: June 05, 2019, 10:15:27 AM »
I am glad he is listening to your conditions for the most part. I don't think that's small at all (him walking up the stairs to talk with your father where you can hear). It sounds like he's being passive-aggressive in a way. That would get to me too. Maybe put in your conditions that he has to stay downstairs. Maybe have another family member sit down with them. Then you have one person to bring the baby to you if she needs to be fed and anther person your ex can ask questions to, and that person can leave the room if needed to give you the question upstairs (and the other person can remain with the baby and your ex). I don't know if this is feasible or not, I just feel terrible over the stress you must be feeling. But he may just find another way to bother you.
See that idea is absolutley amazing and would be perfect for me, my only problem is he made a HUGE deal about me not letting him take her to his house. He told me Iíd ruined his and his families lifeís and tells me that Iím controlling him into being with my family because I donít want him to bond with my daughter. So I suspect if I suggest that somebody else be there it will cause a huge uproar of verbal abuse all over again.. and I wont lie Iím petrified of how he would react. The only reason that he has listened to my conditions is because he sent a family member to my house to fight his corner which resulted in me having a rather bad panic attack infront of them..
Iím just at such a loss now and wish it would just go to court. However I canít afford that and he would rather play as many games as possible before it comes to that :(

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Penny Lane

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Re: Guilt overload
« Reply #7 on: June 05, 2019, 06:49:49 PM »
 :bighug:

It sounds like you're acting in your child's best interests. And he's trying to guilt you into lowering your boundaries. Stay strong! Everything you've described here is totally reasonable. Don't let him get into your head and make you think you're cruel or doing something wrong.

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AnonymousS

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Re: Guilt overload
« Reply #8 on: June 05, 2019, 07:37:35 PM »
:bighug:

It sounds like you're acting in your child's best interests. And he's trying to guilt you into lowering your boundaries. Stay strong! Everything you've described here is totally reasonable. Don't let him get into your head and make you think you're cruel or doing something wrong.
Thankyou so much. I think I just needed a bit of reassurance as Iíve always struggled with enforcing boundaries!

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athene1399

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Re: Guilt overload
« Reply #9 on: June 11, 2019, 10:26:14 AM »
I am so sorry this makes you so anxious. What a horrible situation. Sometimes coming up with a good solution is tricky due to the PD temper-tantrum that will probably occur. It sounds like you are doing the best you can and you are enforcing boundaries. Be proud of that!
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... I donít want him to bond with my daughter.
I feel if that were the case you wouldn't let him see her at all, which is not happening. You are doing your best to manage your anxiety while still giving him time with your daughter. You should not feel guilty about trying to prevent a panic attack. Your mental health is important!  :)