Rough Few Weeks-So Many Fires To Put Out-Exhausted, Depressed, Angry

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looloo

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Week before last, uNPD mother w/dementia decides to remove her new alert pendant, which has a sensor to detect falls.  I thought it would be a good idea.  She fell in March but wasn’t wearing the pendant at the time (sigh).  Week before last, she took the pendant off, and it triggered the sensor.  Paramedics showed up, she was obviously fine.  The worst thing was that I was called by her probably HPD FM neighbor.  I’ve successfully avoided contact w/her for several years, but her call seemed urgent so I called her back.  As expected, she had no information, no words of assurance.  She was just so upset to see the paramedics, talking (squawking) a mile a minute.  I spent my energy MC’ing and hung up as soon as I could.

I updated the caregiver the next day.  She knows how I feel about this woman, and doesn’t doubt my experiences with her.  She just knows she’s boundary challenged and a pain, but isn’t affected the way I’ve been.

So....next few days are pretty quiet.  I decide the alert pendant idea isn’t going to work for Nmother (duh).  The week chugs along crisis free.  Then on Thursday afternoon, I get a call from my mother’s neighborhood volunteer service, informing me that my mother has “a lot of people concerned”, that they’ve received reports about her being “barricaded in her home”, that she “never leaves her home.”

This b.s. claim has  Nmother’s neighbor written ALL OVER IT.  I am LIVID, but do my best to let the caller know that their information is FALSE, and explain Nmother’s caregiving situation.  Then, I can’t let it go, so I email the president of the organization and describe the phone call.  She actually responds with an apology, but then mentions another complaint!!  This time, they were told that Nmother was calling neighbors in the middle of the night!!!  When I calm down, I checked Nmother’s phone logs online.  ZERO outgoing phone calls since January!!!  I KNOW it’s her evil neighbor, but can’t prove it.  So, I emailed screenshots of the phone logs to the organization’s president, just to prove a point and make her think.

I updated the caregiver, and she wasn’t surprised either, but of course,  not furious the way I was (still am). 

Oh—and next week, I have to make the looong drive out there, and have her (very elderly and in very poor health) dog put down  :(.

I am mad, sad, and very tired.  Trying to summon up some gallows humor, but I got nuthin!

Thanks for reading, it helps just to throw it all out here.
“If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.”  Oscar Wilde.

"My actions are my true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand."  Thich Nhat Hanh

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Iguanagos

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Re: Rough Few Weeks-So Many Fires To Put Out-Exhausted, Depressed, Angry
« Reply #1 on: June 01, 2019, 11:47:00 PM »
Gah, when it rains, it pours, looloo.  I'm sorry things are so sucky right now.  With a demented and PD mother, and a pesky (and possibly PD) neighbor, it's no wonder you're surrounded by dysfunction right now.  I wish I had some witty gallows humor to send your way, but I'm fresh out over here too.  You're doing a lot for your mother, even if she and the neighbor and the association president don't realize it.  Just keep telling yourself that!  The only things that are helping at this end are ice cream, wine, and sometimes ice cream AND wine!  I hope it settles down soon.   In the meantime, vent away.  We all get it.
 :bighug:

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notrightinthehead

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Re: Rough Few Weeks-So Many Fires To Put Out-Exhausted, Depressed, Angry
« Reply #2 on: June 02, 2019, 07:03:02 AM »
Oh I would be so furious with the meddling president of the neighbourhood volunteer service and I would probably write her a polite but firm email asking her to check her sources before making such false statements.
You have enough on your hands right now, you don't need that. In addition to ice cream and wine I can recommend long, vigorous walks.

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looloo

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Re: Rough Few Weeks-So Many Fires To Put Out-Exhausted, Depressed, Angry
« Reply #3 on: June 02, 2019, 10:42:38 AM »
Thank you, Iguanagos and Notrightinthehead  :bighug:

It always helps to come here and describe my experiences, and to get everyone’s wisdom. And humor!

I got a good night’s sleep last night and am feeling better. Not to be pessimistic, but this is such a roller coaster time of life right now, so my calm and fairly confident state of mind probably won’t last too long.  So i’ll enjoy it while I’ve got it  ;D
“If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.”  Oscar Wilde.

"My actions are my true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand."  Thich Nhat Hanh

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practical

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Re: Rough Few Weeks-So Many Fires To Put Out-Exhausted, Depressed, Angry
« Reply #4 on: June 02, 2019, 11:44:56 AM »
As if your M wasn't enough trouble you have to deal with a craycray neighbor??? And the volunteer organization being the in-between? I think I would say a few very clear words to the head of the volunteer organization with regard to please verify rumors and if they are coming from said neighbor to disregard them. Really poor you had to deal with this. :bighug:

I don't have any other suggestions beyond what you already got with regard to icecream, wine, exercise and maybe take your anger out on some dust bunnies. IME cleaning becomes a valve in these moments, the sock drawer is suddenly in tiptop shape and the dust bunnies are all running for the hills and all in no time.

Hope it gets calmer going forward.
“If I’m not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when I’m only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when?” (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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looloo

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Re: Rough Few Weeks-So Many Fires To Put Out-Exhausted, Depressed, Angry
« Reply #5 on: June 02, 2019, 04:31:09 PM »
Thank you, Practical!

I haven’t had the wine or ice cream yet, but I did indulge in some Mac n cheese-one of my guilty pleasures!  And I also got back on the exercise wagon this morning.  I found a cardio box workout on YouTube, and visualized punching that “craycray” neighbor’s lights out  >:(. It felt good!
“If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.”  Oscar Wilde.

"My actions are my true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand."  Thich Nhat Hanh

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: Rough Few Weeks-So Many Fires To Put Out-Exhausted, Depressed, Angry
« Reply #6 on: June 03, 2019, 02:20:54 AM »
You wanted some gallows humor, so consider having your mom and her neighbor PTS along with the dog.   :bigwink:

Yes, I'd *definitely* have words with anybody calling you with complaints about your mom  - and ask that those complaints be *verified* first.  They're probably all coming from the same source - the neighbor - and if the neighbor keeps it up, that neighbor is the one who is going to get in some kind of hot water or possibly *legal trouble* if he/she keeps slandering your mom and you can prove it's him/her.

With luck, something else will set that person off, and their attention will be diverted - but while you're there, take a quick gander at that person's house.   Does it look well-kept, or might there be some projection going on, in regards to barricading one's self in the home?

If the volunteer association and the president keep receiving unfounded complaints, you might want to suggest they have a talk with this neighbor - or call APS and get them involved, because something *clearly* isn't right in that person's little world.

 :hug:

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looloo

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Re: Rough Few Weeks-So Many Fires To Put Out-Exhausted, Depressed, Angry
« Reply #7 on: June 03, 2019, 04:03:57 PM »
Thank you, WI!  I LOVE your idea—too bad I couldn’t get a 3 for 1 deal at the vet!   :evil2: :rofl:

I gave the volunteer president all the ammo necessary to follow up with CrazyEvilNeighbor, but I didn’t speculate on who I suspected was behind it.  I’m sure they can figure it out, and I really hope they do.  The main thing is that I let them know that I will NOT be intimidated, and that anyone who decides to make trouble better watch the f—k out.   >:(

That doesn’t mean that I’m not horribly stressed out and miserable when these things happen.  My brother (maybe i’ll Just call him Spongebrother Squarepants? :D) and his wife are another source of stress, and I have run down all the ways I’ve needed to deflect their actions, including consulting with attorneys, subscribing to background check and search engine scrubbing services in order to stop attempts at extortion (trying to get Nmother’s $) and keeping our address off of internet searches.  It’s a shitty situation to deal with, no question.

CrazyNeighbor lives right across the street from Nmother, and there are strict HOA rules, so the homes all look fine.  She’s married, and on the surface seems normal-maybe just a little high strung.  But once you talk to her for any length of time, and if you let her into your life even a tiny bit, she just wreaks havoc.
“If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.”  Oscar Wilde.

"My actions are my true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand."  Thich Nhat Hanh

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looloo

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Re: Rough Few Weeks-So Many Fires To Put Out-Exhausted, Depressed, Angry
« Reply #8 on: June 10, 2019, 02:15:59 PM »
Hi everyone in OOTF land, hope you're all having a good-to-wonderful day  :wave:.

Nmother's caregiver and I spent the last several days preparing Nmother for when her dog would no longer be there.  H and I made arrangements to stay at a hotel there for the weekend (it's off season, so rates are good), in order to decompress a little and also be available if need be.  I felt "ok" emotionally--ready to just do what needed doing.

Right before we left our house, I got a text from the caregiver with some interesting news!  The hystrionic FM neighbor decided to relinquish the spare key to Nmother's house!  I asked caregiver if neighbor said anything, and she said no, it was left in an envelope on the porch, with a note saying she was returning it.   :boogie:  Now, I HATE to jump to conclusions  :yahoo:, but the timing sure is suspicious!  I have a funny feeling that the neighborhood volunteers group CALLED HER OUT on her b.s. claims, and now she wants to distance herself as much as she can!  :yes:  It's ABOUT f--king TIME!  The caregiver originally gave FM neighbor more benefit of the doubt, suggesting that the volunteers maybe just mistakenly contacted me.  But then she texted that it seems as though FM neighbor must have been behind the whole thing.  Ya think????  Anyway, we started our drive down there (4 hours, city traffic is AWFUL) with me literally feeling as if I'd lost 50 pounds of pure b.s.  :tongue2:  Really--I haven't felt that light in I don't know how long.

We stayed the weekend at a hotel, and the next morning, I picked up the doggie and did what had to be done.  I stayed with him, silently apologized to him for not being able to do better by him, thanked him for being such a good boy, and wished him well.  I wished I could have this be a "normal" grieving experience, but since it's Nmother related, my emotions were mostly anger/sadness over what should have been but never was.  I felt like I was giving a performance of how a grieving pet person would act, in order to convince the vet and staff.  I was sad, but my eyes were dry the whole time, and I was thinking about how I really wanted to pee, and then get something to eat....Yeah, it's true.

Anyway, Nmother seems to be handling it all very well.  Caregiver and I are pretty much just telling her what we think she wants to hear, and she seems ok.  It took a lot of discussion between the two of us, a lot of emotional work, and of course a lot of planning and coordination.  And Nmother seems fine.  On the one hand, I'm glad--our approach seems to have worked.  And on the other hand, I wonder if we gave Nmother too much credit for how she might feel about the loss of her elderly doggie.  She's fine.  I've honestly never seen her mourn the loss of anyone, or any of her other previous pets.  She would talk about them in sappy, overly sentimental tones, but it was never reflected in her manner at all.  Same with this.  Kind of anti-climactic, but a relief all the same.
“If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.”  Oscar Wilde.

"My actions are my true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand."  Thich Nhat Hanh

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: Rough Few Weeks-So Many Fires To Put Out-Exhausted, Depressed, Angry
« Reply #9 on: June 10, 2019, 05:03:03 PM »
Looloo,

I'm familiar with this one - I don't quite understand it, and was baffled when my aunt (unBPD Didi's younger sister) was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer, that had spread all over her body.

It was the lead up to the actual death that involved all the bloody DRAMA!  Didi was waifing to all that would listen that she was losing her siiiiiiiiiister, and then my cousin (aunt's DD) made the mistake of calling Didi and telling her the end was near.

My cousin, being close to her mother, kind of lost it a little and cried on Didi, not understanding she was crying on somebody who was going to make it all about HER - and Didi  DID!   :aaauuugh:

Later that afternoon, she had herself hospitalized for makeitupitis, because she wasn't going to be outshined or outdone by *somebody who was actually dying.*   :roll:

I refused to budge, regardless of all the, "Come NOW!" calls unNPD Ray hurled my way. 

Come now?  For WHAT, exactly?  So Didi could milk it for all the supply she could get?  Don't think so!  :ninja:

Instead, I took point with my cousin and explained - well, tried explaining - to her what was going on with Didi - and it fell on deaf ears.  We left it with her running information through me, and I'd pass it along to Didi.

I think that was on a Tuesday.  My aunt, wanting to hasten the end - and I really can't blame her - stopped eating and drinking, fell into a coma shortly after, and died on Friday.  :'(

My cousin told me, and I told Didi, who'd been released from the hospital earlier after, in her words, "They can't find a thing wrong with me!"   :wacko:

Well, if she didn't LIE through her teeth, they would have found *tons* wrong with her, and if a shrink took a crack at her, he'd find loads more!   :evil2:

I told her my aunt had passed.  She got very quiet and said something about Ray being such a pig and it was going to take *forever* to get the house put to rights.

I was really confused, so I said, "Did you hear me?"

She then said something about loving her new E-cigarettes. 

I said, "Mom...did you hear what I just said?"

She snotted, "Did you hear ME!?  I said I love my new e-cigarettes!"

Ooooooooookay then!  :stars:

Lead up to death = all the drama in the world. 

Actual death itself = oh, who CARES, back to MEEEEEEEE!   :dramaqueen:

I said something about not calling my cousin because she had a lot of calls to make and a funeral to plan, and she snotted, "Yes, MOTHER!" at me, so I told her I had to go, and she slammed the phone down on me, only to call back an hour later, gloating, "I called your cousin!" in a "neener neener so there!" kind of tone.   :roll:

But THEN she said, "She won't give me any details!"   :dramaqueen:

I said, "What details?  She died."

Didi said, "I KNOW there's a lot of stuff nobody is telling me!"

Well, there *was* but I wasn't going to sit and listen to her smear my aunt - or worse, have her smear my aunt to her own daughter - so I said, "She went into a coma and died. That's the whole story.  I don't know what you're looking for or what you expect, other than that."  :ninja:

She left it, got off the phone, and an hour or so later, Ray called, demanding DETAILS about my aunt's death.  Didi is very angry nobody is telling her anything, so I'd better tell him what happened!  :mad:

Or WHAT, exactly?   :ninja:

I kept to the Party Line:  she went into a coma and died.  Those are the details.

What ELSE, he demanded.  :pissed:

I got a little pissed off and said, "I wasn't there, so I really don't know.  I know what I was told, and I passed it along.  I have to go." - and hung up on him as he was yelling the information to Didi.  :ninja:

THAT was the last it was ever mentioned.  After that, it was like my aunt and my cousin didn't exist.   :disappear:

It was a stark contrast to their cat dying, 10 years earlier - we'd taken the cat to live with us a year prior, because she needed medication and they were having trouble giving it to her.  When the time finally came, I was the one who took Jezz to the vet, and stayed with her until the end.  :'(

Didi - who hadn't seen or even asked about the cat in over a year - RELISHED her grief and telling everybody, and receiving all kinds of sympathy cards from her friends at club about *her loss!*   :dramaqueen: :violin: :boogie:

DH and I were the ones doing the work, and we were ignored.  Me being there for the final vet visit was ignored.  All that mattered was Didi getting those, "So sorry for your loss" cards - and after a week or so of gloating about them, she went as far as to wonder where MY card to her was!   :aaauuugh:

I couldn't hide my irritation as I said, "She lived here for a year, and I was the one who took her to the vet, so where's MY card?"   :evil2:

She told me not to get snippy with her and hung up on me - and it was never mentioned again.   :disappear:

Strange stuff.  I don't miss those days at all!   :woohoo:

 :hug:

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looloo

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Re: Rough Few Weeks-So Many Fires To Put Out-Exhausted, Depressed, Angry
« Reply #10 on: June 11, 2019, 12:47:54 PM »
Hi WI  :wave:, yes, "strange stuff" indeed.

One of Nmother's stories that she loved to tell, was like a Friends episode, lol - "The One Where enH and I Put Our Dog Down".  If you're a pet parent, you know how it feels when someone tells their own personal story about this.  A combination of profound empathy that threatens to veer into a personal sadness that is hard to shake, including flashbacks to our own memories, and an instinctive desire to reach out and comfort.

Nmother would tell her story often, and I always hated hearing it.  As I came further OOTF, I began to understand why.  It was all about HER, what SHE was going through, all the attention she commanded, how terribly sad she convinced everyone she was.  In real life, what was happening?  My father was the one STEPPING UP and dealing with the difficult action of BEING there, in person.  My mother was in the main waiting area of the vet's office, hogging all the attention from the staff, probably mentally composing this entire story so she could tell it over and over, for N supply.  I wondered to myself why I always reacted w/such a visceral feeling of disgust and anger, and feeling just flabbergasted, when she'd launch into a rerun of this episode!  Before coming OOTF, I assumed it was because there was something lacking in ME.  But I know better now.

OH--and by the way -- this particular dog that she and EnFather had (not the one that I dealt with a few days ago)????  She was always jealous of it!!!!  I swear to God, I'm not over analyzing or making this up -- it was the only female dog they ever had, and Nmother decided that the dog liked EnFather better than her (well, yeah, who wouldn't)!!  The dog was a retired greyhound and it got her lots of attention, which she liked, and when it passed, she coasted on the sympathy as much as she could.  But when it was alive and in the privacy of their home, she resented the dog and complained about how it was "your father's dog, not mine."
“If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.”  Oscar Wilde.

"My actions are my true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand."  Thich Nhat Hanh