Grandparent Who Is Abusive

[SomethingElse]

So, I have a grandparent who is abusive. And...when I returned home for the last time, he physically attacked me. Things like....cussing in my face, grabbing and pushing and scratching...
I was startled. He IS getting older, but still. There is never any reason to attack someone? I've known plenty of ill, infirm, elderly, etc..people who never would physically hurt anyone!

I'm so sad at this turn of events. I NEVER thought that my only surviving grandparent would remind me of how much I am NOT like my family.

[StayWithMe]

I've that Alzheimer's can make a person physically aggressive. He needs to get checked.
In any case, put your needs first.  I would go NC to avoid needing to defend myself but being accused of provocating.

[WomanInterrupted]

I'm so sorry, SomethingElse!   

Once physical abuse is in play, that's a *deal breaker.*

Do NOT ever be alone with this person, ever again - for your safety and his.  If you must be in your grandfather's presence, *always* have at least TWO witnesses present.   

A situation where you're being attacked can turn around in an instant if you put up an arm to block a blow and your grandfather falls and can't get up.  You wind up calling 911 and who do you think the cops are going to believe?  The old man on the floor, saying you attacked him, or you, who is younger and has more physical strength, saying you put up an arm to defend yourself from him, when he fell?   

The cops are probably going to believe your grandfather, every single time, even if evidence shows he was the aggressor - they just won't want to believe it and will *assume* you provoked or goaded him to violence, hoping to have his competency questioned or hoping to gain *something* from him - like money, the deed to his house, the title for his car, or information about bonds, life insurance or other valuables.

The LAST thing on earth you need is to be charged and convicted of *elder abuse* - or even just *charged* with it, with the charges later dropped.   

The media isn't kind to people who are charged (even wrongly) with abusing the elderly - especially their relatives - and they don't often print that the charges were dropped or were wrongly brought forth.

Yeah - the last thing you want to be remembered for is being a monster in the Court of Public Opinion - that stuff *will* affect future employment opportunities - or even just going out for a meal. 

You really don't want people saying, "Aren't you THAT SomethingElse, who abused your own grandfather?"   

Yes - he does need to be assessed for dementia (and a UTI, while he's there - they can do insane things in the elderly, including making them aggressive) - but *anybody who isn't you* can see to that.   

If somebody is caring for your grandfather - a relative, a paid aide - mention all this to them and ask them to bring it up with your grandfather's doctor, ASAP.   

I say this as  somebody who narrowly avoided the same fate - unNPD Ray wasn't steady on his pins, in his late  80's, *refused* to use a cane and walker  - and was starting to become violent again.

That scenario I wrote out about blocking a blow and your grandfather falling?  I had that nightmare about *myself* - and refused to be Ray's caregiver, in any capacity, knowing he's got a past history of violence and abuse (directed at me, as a child).

He fell, was declared incompetent and placed in a memory care unit.  I'm NC, but they still have to inform me if he falls or acts out in a violent manner.

Not only has he fallen, but he did take a pop at another *resident* and threatened to kill his roommate!   

The day I got those calls, I just sat and breathed and thought about how lucky I was to dodge the bullet - hell, the TORPEDO - that was headed in my direction.   

Now I'm advising you to do the same - your grandfather is off-limits.  Others can see to his needs, care for him and get him assessed for dementia or other illnesses that could make him behave so erratically - while you stay OUT of it, completely.   

Stay in the shark cage!  Keep your hands and feet inside!  It's SAFE - and it gets great WiFi.   

[Feral Child]

I'm with WomanInterrupted 100% on this.  Please take good care of yourself and don't let anyone guilt you into doing anything that will put you in danger.  A safe gentle hug, is offered if it will help. 

Please keep us updated.

[DaisyGirl77]

I'm echoing everyone else on this.  Run.  I say this as someone who went in & lived with my dad's mother for nearly 4 years & it left me with PTSD because she became physically abusive.  My story is in my signature.  Please read it.  Find somewhere else to live.  Even if you file police reports, they'll call APS & APS will turn around & accuse YOU of abuse.  Because that's exactly what happened to me.

Depending on which state you live in in the US, you run the risk of having your career path limited in certain fields with an elder abuse charge (or even a TRO--temporary restraining order) filed against you, EVEN if it's later dropped.

Be super careful.  YOUR life & YOUR livelihood are on the line.  You have lots of life still left to live; your grandfather has already lived his.  Don't let him destroy your life.

[qcdlvl]

I strongly advice you to put your own safety first -  as others note, if he hurts himself while trying to hurt you (which can happen even if you don't defend yourself, such as if he trips and falls while going after you) it could easily turn into a your-word-against-his elder abuse case, and I'd bet money that the authorities would believe your grandfather over you. Depending on the witnesses, if there are any, they could actually make things worse for you, if they're his FMs/enablers, they might lie to avoid making him look bad or embarrassing him. If you're the SG, I would expect your relatives to do this, and suddenly the prosecution has a slam dunk case against you. So I strongly recommend that you're never in close physical proximity with him ever again as the only way to be safe from him. If you must (but why choose to have an abuser in your life?), then have at least two witnesses who are firmly on your side (which probably excludes all relatives).