Struggling on so many levels

Started by Spirit in the sky, June 02, 2019, 02:04:07 AM

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Spirit in the sky

I've recently be able to find all the pieces of the jigsaw that represents my life, full of anxiety and depression. I just don't know how to put them together.

My first revelation was discovering I'm an Adult Child of an emotionally unstable mother and alcoholic father. I've been trapped in a world of co-dependency all my life and my childhood trauma is deep rooted. Both my parents are now elderly and need a lot of support, more so my mother who has an undiagnosed PD.

Add to the mix I have discovered I have been emotionally and mentally abused by my NMIL for 18 years. My programming and childhood conditioning made me very vulnerable and although I knew I was terrified of my mil I didn't realise how intense and devasting the effect of her toxic behaviour had on me.

My people pleasing, self sacrificing personality allowed me to be manipulated and controlled. I'm trying to heal from my childhood trauma and also the years of abuse at the hands of my nMIL. My hubby has also just woken up to his mother's behaviour, having been the scapegoat all his life.

I'm an only child and feel like I have been the golden child and the scapegoat within my family all my life. We are trying low contact with my NMIL but she lurks like a dark shadow over our lives, just waiting her opportunity to spread her poison.

I'm setting boundaries with my parents, which they do seem to be getting. I think the problem is more in my own head because I still feeling guilty and have the fear of rejection. I'm always trying to be the perfect daughter to keep my mother happy, which is impossible because she doesn't know how to find her own happiness.

I have felt responsible for my mother my entire life, here I am at 47 years old feeling my life isn't my own. I'm not really sure how to move forward, I'm still looking in fear mode most of the time.

notrightinthehead

Yes, it is quite a shock when the situation becomes clearer -  you now understand how toxic some people in your life are and how you contribute to your situation. You have identified that your people pleasing, self sacrificing traits enable your parents/mother in law to continue abusing and mistreating you. Your feelings of guilt, fear of rejection, responsibility, wish for perfection keep you in your trap. That is your angle where your work begins. My way out of the trap was to feel the fear and do it anyway.

Do you have real life support? A therapist? CoDA meetings?  Does your husband understand and support you? For me, when I understood how much I conrtributed to my situation, that was such a big step forward in my journey. I am sure it is for you too. It might be painful now, but you know pain and can handle it - you are working on your liberation from abuse and towards self determination.
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

Spirit in the sky

Thanks Not Right in the Head

My husband is supportive but is also trying to deal with his own feelings regarding his mother, and his entire family who have been controlled and manipulated by her.

I have had therapy and identified my issues, I know what I need to do to heal but the fear keeps me trapped in a cycle of ruminating and overthinking. I'm making progress with my parents, my mother had heart surgery so I have been looking after her. I set myself mini goals to stop me falling into old patterns of behaviour with her. I still find it difficult to say no but I can do it and live with the discomfort.

My NMIL is more challenging because she can be verbally aggressive and I am actually afraid of her. She has violent outbursts of screaming and swearing if she doesn't get her own way. Confrontation is one of my biggest fears, because of my childhood trauma living with two parents who continually fought and yelled at each other.

I know I need to face the fear head on, but sometimes I still feel like a sad lonely little girl. Afraid of everything and willing to suffer in silence for a quiet life, except it isn't quiet because I'm screaming inside.

notrightinthehead

I can relate to that. Especially the fear of confrontation - I suffer from brain freeze and inability to speak when someone yells at me - which my NPDh used to his advantage in our marriage. I froze to the extend that I did not even remember to physically remove myself from his presence when he had one of his explosions. This was rooted in the abuse I had to suffer in my childhood. But by implementing the tools from the toolbox with time I got better at recovering and remembering that I can actually walk away, which I did immediately when I remembered.  In the beginning it might have taken me 15 minutes of yelling until I remembered I can remove myself from the situation, then 10, then 5 until I got up and left.
Tap into that sad lonely little girl who is afraid of everything and willing to suffer, take her by the hand, hold her, comfort her, protect her and lead her to a place of safety. You are a strong and competent adult now.
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

SunnyMeadow

Quote from: Spirit in the sky on June 02, 2019, 02:04:07 AM
My first revelation was discovering I'm an Adult Child of an emotionally unstable mother and alcoholic father. I've been trapped in a world of co-dependency all my life and my childhood trauma is deep rooted. Both my parents are now elderly and need a lot of support, more so my mother who has an undiagnosed PD.

I'm shocked to read all this, we could honestly be sisters! I'm a co-dependant, adult child of an alcoholic and child of a covert narcissist, people pleaser, and everything else that goes along with growing up that way. I'm a few years older than you and started coming Out of the FOG at about 47. I've been reading all I can here and all over the internet. I watch YouTube videos about narcissism and more. It's helping me to be stronger.

My uNPDmom has had several scary and mean outbursts toward me because I'm not putting up with her crap now. I've been getting angry thinking about her treatment of me and everyone else she's ever known. I've lost so many family members because of her. She discards people quite easily. Well, after sending them disgustingly long letters of how they hurt her!  :stars:

I went NC with her due to some really heinous things she wrote me. Recently, she's been emailing me the nicest things, it's creepy and so mentally disordered.

As far as you feeling like a sad lonely little girl, I get it! I'm turning those feelings into anger and indifference towards her and it feels better. I think to myself "How dare she get away with such awful treatment of others"? I like to repeat to myself that I am a fully grown woman who doesn't need to take that terrible treatment. I wouldn't put up with it from a neighbor or acquaintance, why put up with it from my 80+ year old mother?

If the time comes that I talk to her again, I will tell her that she is the ONLY person I know who tells me how hurt she is with the level of contact I have given her. I have included her in everything in my life and my children's lives. I am the only one left who interacted with her, and quite a bit too! Lunches, dinners, visits, shopping, phone, text, email. She really f'ed that up by emailing me how little I visit her and all her other Woe is Me awful problems caused by me! I felt white-hot anger reading her shitty email, I spent days thinking how to reply to her. I did it forcefully but calmly of course, I'm a good girl after all.  :bigwink:

Going forward, I only want light-hearted, healthy, easy and fun relationships. She doesn't fall into that and couldn't interact with me that way so it's vvvLC to NC for her.

This new way of standing up for ourselves and being true to our sweet and loving nature is hard to do at first. It gets easier as I realize I don't need her. We aren't the little sad lonely girls who need our parents to survive. We are grown ups who don't have to put up with bad behavior. Life is short and can be hard, I'm choosing to surround myself with positive people who don't find pleasure in tearing me down.

My mother has never been able to find her own happiness either. She's always lurking in the shadows to rain on people who have found their happiness. It's sickening. I'm sorry you have this dark cloud in your life from your parents and your MIL. Keep reading, watching videos and learning all you can. Lessening contact, giving them almost no information about you and your life, gray rocking and medium chilling through conversations can help protect you and help you to be stronger.


Spirit in the sky

Thanks Sunny Meadow

It's lovely to hear from someone who understands and has made progress.
What I'm actually noticing is I'm probably more co-dependent on my mother than I realise because I have always used her as a measure of my own happiness.  I seemed to thrive in the role of Adult Child and thought I being needed made me happy. Of course now I see myself over giving to everyone and then becoming resentful when I get nothing back.

I understand why my parents are the way they are, and I don't blame them. I do believe they tried their best but both came dysfunctional families. My NMIL is a whole different level of PD. I realised today I was becoming obsessed with researching narcissist behaviour and ways to cope and really my focus needs to be on me.

I love the Serenity Prayer. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change.
The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

My parents aren't going to change, my NMIL is never going to change. Like you said I need to stop being the scared little girl and make a life for myself. One step at a time.