Oh, the dread

[samtosha]

After months of peace and minimal contact, we are seeing my unPD parents next week. My NDad has evidently been diagnosed with dementia, which comes as no surprise. I have no idea what we'll find when we see them. As I wrote last time,  crazy unPDmom was taking care of him alone and very dramatically refusing help for one "reason" or another. They also have to move by the end of the year and I can almost guarantee that nothing's been done about that either.
My sense of dread is not so much about the horror show their lives have become - that's entirely down to their weird, stubborn, anxious, comtrol-freak selves- but about a boundary I've been trying to set with my mother.
So, before I was Out of the FOG, I used to share a lot of information with her about my life and my kids' lives. I would always always always end up upset because she's so judgmental, dismissive, critical and really unkind when she wants to be. But some buried part of me kept hoping for a close relationship where I'd be accepted and understood. Ha!
Anyway, I've decided that my life and the lives of my (adult, in their 20s) kids are off limits. No discussion! I can gray rock it to an extent but there's always drama. "Don't I have a RIGHT to hear about my OWN grandchildren?!" Etc.

Here's the thing. She doesn't have any relationship with my kids! None! She's never been interested in that! She wants material to brag about with whoever she talks to - period! There's nothing stopping her from contacting my kids directly and catching up. They're nice, they'll talk to her. But she wants to make me do it.

But I don't like being in the middle. The conversation always ends up with me feeling stressed out from explaining, defending, justifying, feeling interrogated about adults whose lives I don't control! (Of course, as a PD person, she doesn't understand not controlling one's kids' lives!). And she's never just nice and delighted about whatever I tell her. There's always judgment and weirdness.

So I'm thinking I'm just going to give a tiny nugget re each kid and say she needs to ask them her questions, that I don't want to be the middleman. Yeah?

The business about her "right" to information- or really whatever she demands from me- used to stump me! But really, there are no rights, right? Just what someone freely chooses to offer. I'm amazed it took me this long to see that!

Of course there will be drama - poor her, struggling with my a-hole father! And why am I Iso mean? But it's on HER. If I felt safe telling her things, I would do it!!

Thoughts? Advice? Prayers? Thanks in advance!

[moglow]

Hello, and welcome!

Me, I'd deflect and share only what's comfortable for me. I would also feel icky sharing about other adults whether my children or otherwise. Oh she's upset because they dont contact her? Hmmmm ... They're still adults. They get to choose when and how much they share with grandma. If they've reached adulthood with her showing so little interest, all same same. She needs to take that up with them. Oh, she doesnt have contact info for them?? Again, hmmm...

That's all on her, honey. Practice saying "that's not my stuff" and keep saying it to yourself. Her behavior/lack of same drove this wedge, its not your responsibility to fix it no matter how much she insists to the contrary.

[WomanInterrupted]

Hi and Welcome, Samtosha 

You wrote:

"Don't I have a RIGHT to hear about my OWN grandchildren?!"

Actually, NO, she doesn't.   

I'd deflect all demands with a light, airy, "If you want to hear what they're up to, give them a call.  I don't feel comfortable talking about them, without them present.  It's too close to gossip, for my liking." 

If she says she doesn't have the contact information, don't volunteer it unless *asked* directly, and only if you've cleared it with your adult kids.  If they don't want granny having their numbers or email addys, tell her you have to check before giving out that info.  Hopefully, she'll forget about it in a few days.

If she just steamrolls over you and *demands* the numbers and addys, regardless, keep it light with, "I respect their privacy and I can't do that without talking to them, first." - and change the subject, apropos of nothing. 

If she says it's their jobs to call her, shrug it off and say, "Well, then I don't know what to tell you..." - and change the subject. 

Moglow is right - this isn't your stuff.  It's HER stuff and if she wants a relationship with her grandchildren, she'll have to work on it herself, without you as the middleman. 

[samtosha]

Yes! The ridiculous thing is that she has their info! And my kids are fine with talking to her. It's more that I'm setting a boundary and she hates that. I have gotten frustrated a few times and stopped answering her annoying questions so she has it in her head that I'm being "difficult" for no reason. So, after months of silence on both sides, i recently got a passive aggressive little text asking if Daughter had moved, because she "hasn't heard anything". And then a few days later, asking where Son is living. When I didn't answer immediately, I got the same question phrased 3 different ways!! WTF! It's ridiculous what a boundary buster she is!

This is all about competition with her siblings, I think. My aunts and uncles are all lovely people with great relationships with their kids and grandkids - and PDMom needs to keep up! Unfortunately for her, she sucks as a parent/grandparent so she needs to bully me and try to get her way so she can feel like she's great. So annoying!

I appreciate all the advice/pep talk! This is feeling more do-able. Thanks!

[qcdlvl]

Maybe having some phrases ready might help - "You'll have to ask them," "Like I said, you'd have to ask them," "I don't know what to tell you," "I don't care to discuss it [further]." There may be no phrases that will make her respond reasonably, but if they fail you can always leave - easier said than done but better than engaging in endless circular conversations. I do think your children have a right to not have their private lives discussed with someone judgemental and disordered who could ask them directly but chooses not to.

[Kiki81]

She wants you right in the middle, nuggets count too, and the only one who can get you OUT of the middle, is you. 

It's tough, I know. The triangulating you describe is be!oved by my FOO. I sure don't miss it

[samtosha]

Kiki81, that's true! It's a control thing. It has very little to do with my kids - if she cared about them she'd already know what they're doing because she'd talk to them! She just hates it when anyone says "no" to her. It's funny how I'm just realizing this now, in my 50s. Wow.