need some advice on how to stay calm

helpmeplease · June 04, 2019, 05:43:18 AM

I am looking after my elderly pd mother. Most of the time now she is fine after two years of hell after my dad died. She had a really bad infection that caused a delirium a few years ago. She has had falls and strokes, so I know it is not all her fault she can't help some of it but sometimes I wonder if some of it is just to wind me up. My problem is that this morning I absolutely lost it screaming, I mean screaming at her. I need some ideas/ thoughts /actions I can use to remain calm. I am woken every morning by this uhhuh-uhhuh fake crying noise. She continues this all morning, I ask her please don't make this noise, I have explained it drives me mad, I have begged her to stop, I have tried changing the subject, distracting her, giving her tasks to do. She can't cope with instructions. I asked her today right you sort out which cardigans need washing and she just looks at them or does her hair or puts different clothes on. She continues . She does not do it when we are out or if in company, it usually stops by lunchtime. She alternates this with a list of things that need doing housework and errands, she gets herself whipped up into a frenzy of panic and anxiety and I do too. I start off being really calm, saying right I will do this now then this. I try to slow her down but the panic and the uhhuh get worse and faster and I end up exploding. Any advice would be great. This is changing me into a really horrible abusive person and the stress has aged me.

looloo · June 04, 2019, 08:34:50 AM

Talk to her doctor about anti anxiety meds for her. Maybe even consider some temporary meds for yourself as well. I'm not a professional but have had experience with elderly/infirm family, and they can really display a lot of anxiety. Which drives us crazy having to be around it, and be calm at the same time!

Please see a doctor-for her and for you. It might be a really good solution.

Psuedonym · June 04, 2019, 08:48:48 AM

helpmeplease,

Just reading that post raised my anxiety. I can picture that situation and I'd legitimately be in jail or would have left town and changed my name in your situation. You are doing and excellent job, as a friend once told me, you are having a sane response to a crazy situation. I don't know what country you're in, but is there any way you can get help for your mother so you don't have to do this alone? This sounds like way too much for you to do by yourself and there are probably resources out there. I'm sure, depending the country you're in, there are members here who can give you advice.

As far as your anger, it is completely justified and you need to let that out. A PD person will just pick and pick away at your patience until that happens. Rational requests, begging, pleading and even yelling have no effect on their behavior. The only thing you can realistically is limit your time around them. Please hang in there and stop beating yourself up.

Pepin · June 04, 2019, 10:50:00 AM

Reading this also raised my anxiety and I can see this between DH and PDmil. Because PDmil is not able to behave the way DH knows her, he has gotten upset and frustrated. That being said, I am not surprised by PDmil's behavior even though I have only known her for 22 years. Her behavior has always been the way it is, but with her slowing down it has become magnified. PDmil has consistently needed help throughout her life for many tasks and care for herself and now that she is aging, she needs even more help. Sadly, I see her neglecting herself even more than she ever has! This in my opinion is a true cry for attention and she refuses to love herself.

The other day PDmil got dizzy and fell again. DH is obviously worried as she has already had a fall and hurt her back - in addition to a mini stroke. Now her back hurts again. DH is looking into getting a wheeled walker -- even though he brought it up before with her and she balked at it claiming that people would view her poorly. What PDmil does not realize is that her not taking care of herself is actually what is making others view her poorly. She doesn't ask for help but rather waits until someone notices that she is struggling. This is in no way embracing the aging process but rather, shaming it. There have been many other older women in the family that have gracefully accepted aging and gone out with dignity. I guess with a PD this is not the case...

I am sorry that you are going through this. In DH's case, he cannot stand being helpless as PDmil does what she does...but he and I both know that nothing can be done unless she steps forward. Focus on you. Her business is not your business unless she asks for help. If she doesn't want her washing done, then don't do it. I am not sure what to say about the fake crying noise...but bringing it to the attention of her MD would be a great place to start. Maybe having some house rules would help? Otherwise finding a place for her outside of your home might be a better option.

Deb2 · June 04, 2019, 12:02:53 PM

Is there an organization near you that helps caregivers? It's very stressful to be a caregiver and worse if the person is a PD. I get stressed taking care of my very Ill DH. Also, maybe there is a place that provides respite care to gove you a break.

Thru the Rain · June 04, 2019, 12:27:15 PM

You need and deserve a break. Is there a service you can look into to help with care for your M?

Maybe look into a senior day care where she could go most or even some days?

Or an in-home carer who could come a few days a week?

This is not abandoning her. You can't be 100% responsible for another human being 100% of the time. Even new parents get to have babysitters.

Pepin · June 04, 2019, 12:48:36 PM

Quote from: Thru the Rain on June 04, 2019, 12:27:15 PM
This is not abandoning her. You can't be 100% responsible for another human being 100% of the time. Even new parents get to have babysitters.

Isn't this the truth? New parents need help and don't know or want to do it all. Why then when caring for an aging parent are we supposed to be able to do everything? It is impossible to navigate alone. While it takes a village to raise a child, it also takes a village to care for the elderly. I feel that society has flawed expectations with regards to adult children caring for their parents -- and elderly parents are also partly to blame for demanding the expectation playing the "you owe me card". Society and the elderly forget how much went into raising a child without realizing how much goes into caring for a person as they return to becoming dependent...

WomanInterrupted · June 04, 2019, 10:54:50 PM

Hi Helpmeplease

I was talking to DH tonight about your situation and made the noise you described for about *15 seconds.*

You should have seen the look on his face! His eyes went wide, he dropped his fork, he *cringed* and yelled, "Stop it! Just stop it!!!!!"

I did and said, "Imagine listening to that for hours on end."

His eyes went so wide, I thought they were going to roll out of his head.

My suggestion is that one of you has to move out because this situation is unsustainable. If you're living at hers, please find a new place ASAP and tell her she's on her own in *hiring* aides.

If she's living at yours, it's a bit trickier, because you're probably going to wind up having to legally evict her - but I *would* start the process because what you describe is unbearable.

There are *plenty* of senior apartment campuses out there, and independent living facilities. If she needs more help than that, she should consider assisted living - or anywhere that *isn't yours.*

While you're getting the ball rolling on either of those, *please* look into Adult Daycare for your mom and respite care, so you can get out of there, get your head together and just *breathe.*

Your mom can also hire an aid for certain days of the week.

I'd encourage your mom to be more independent, too - like NOT depending on you for every little thing. If she has to go to the doctor, she can call the Senior Van. If she needs to go to the ER, she can call an *ambulance*. If she wants certain meals, she can set it up with Meals on Wheels and leave you *out* of it.

By making those changes, you're going to make living with you *uncomfortable* - which is what you want. You're not catering to her every whim - you're forcing her to do for herself and NOT at her constant beck and call.

If your mom won't make those calls, you can make them for her and *tell* her the Senior Van is the only option. You're unable to drive her anywhere. If she pitches a fit - leave.

That leaves your mom two options - take the transportation or miss her doctor's appointment. The choice is *hers.*

Why I want you mom challenged and uncomfortable in these ways is frankly, she has it TOO easy with you - not only is she getting a supply (you blowing up - that's what she WANTS so she can feel like a victim and you're the big old meany meanpants), but you're doing everything FOR her, and you're pretty much a captive audience, too.

Once you start pushing back a little - call the Senior Van. Call Meals on Wheels. Bring your laundry to the laundry room by X or it isn't going to get done until next week. When she points out things that need to be done, take a deep breath and say, "Well, you'd better get on it, hadn't you?" - she's going to realize, "Ugh! I don't like this! I don't think I want to live here anymore!"

And that's *exactly* what you want!

Do NOT let her wind you up! Please go to the toolbox and look up Medium Chill. It will become your new best friend!

Please do *not* let her anxiety become contagious - I remember what that one was like and it was *awful* - tell yourself you're going to respond like she's a stranger on a bus (Medium Chill) and *not* feed into the drama.

That might be enough to make her want to leave, too - they don't like when they can't control our emotional buttons.

I'm *not* saying be neglectful or spiteful - but pushing things back to her side of the table, where they belong.

If she won't do stuff but is *capable*? Well, it just doesn't get done, then, does it?

It's time for you to start planning *your* life, without your mom as a ball and chain. You do not OWE her, and you are NOT responsible for her. If she made a bunch of bad choices that left her with limited income, that's on HER and *she* can figure out a way to live, that doesn't involve driving you insane.