Is anyone glad they're married?

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HH

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Re: Is anyone glad they're married?
« Reply #20 on: September 22, 2019, 10:14:23 AM »
Yes I’m glad I’m married -  even with a dxBPDw:
- I’m learning what it means to live out my vows
- my children don’t have to deal with divorce and all the fallout emotionally, financially, and spiritually as a result of that choice
- financially, married men make significantly more than single or divorced men which allows me to care for my family and children
- I’m having to take a hard look at myself and realize what caused me to get I to this relationship - I’ve realized that my grandmother, mother, and step mother all had significant trauma and that subconsciously I found a wife who was almost traumatized with the subconscious hope I could fix my past through fixing her - at least that what my T says. 
- I’m protecting my children from having to bear the weight of the care for a PD parent
- I’m learning to love regardless of it being reciprocated
- I’m learning by necessity to take care of myself and be a healthy person, because I don’t have the luxury of breaking down. I had almost a mini nervous breakdown in 2015 and lost all physical control of sleep, shaking, etc.  I had a short relapse in 2017, and I’ve had to take a hard look at how I got to that point by not taking care if myself.  It was likely a culmination of complex PTSD or secondary trauma related to PD spousal relationship. 
- I get to learn everything possible about this thing called BPD and trauma to help my wife, children, and future grandchildren as well as others in the world
- I get to keep the extended family relationships on my W side that have become my own family over last 20 years
- I get to know God in the way of suffering - as Christ did. In my tradition the reality is that God suffers too, and that there is ultimate purpose and redemption in suffering - not needless or abusive suffering-  but the struggle of what it means to be committed in sickness and in health.  I feel solidarity with those who suffer real, deep, gut wrenching pain and I feel greater compassion because of it. 
- I have a greater purpose to not only pursue my own dreams and desires as I thought once upon a time - but now to shepherd and shelter other hurting families and people and call them to hope and care for each other

I could list all the reasons I’m hurting - and there are many right now. Constant stress, unpredictability, lack of intimacy, physical numbness, financial struggles, spouse with constant medical, emotional, and existential crises. But she was traumatized so often and for so long - she didn’t choose any of this, and she doesn’t want it.  She may leave me - she may cheat - she may do all sorts of things I have no control over -  but I’m glad I’m married to her. I choose to be glad. I have to choose it or I’d be consumed by the list of current realities in front of me.  This is the irony of a “happy” marriage - you have to choose it to experience it.  I hate that it is that way - but there is no perfect partner who will make me happy.  I have to choose to build a happy life and just do the next right thing.  If I needed to separate because of abusive behavior - then I would.  If I needed to shield my kids from unsafe behavior - I would. But it’s my choice, and that doesn’t mean I’m. It committed to the relationship. 


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Pinky

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Re: Is anyone glad they're married?
« Reply #21 on: September 22, 2019, 10:39:45 PM »
I used to be much more hopeful and committed to trying to make things better, but things are only getting worse. He refuses to get help and doesn't think he needs to change. I've been detaching more and more and it hard. I feel very alone and I am Relaizing more and more that this isn't something I can keep doing because it's making me physically sick and hard to function at times. I can't discuss my feelings, goals, dreams. I fear holidays and my birthday because its painful. I'm starting to work on taking care of me and build a life without him. I have a way to go and have to get myself financially ready, but I'm gonna eventually leave. The good times aren't worth it anymore. I want to be happy and healthy. I wish I could say I wanted to stay. I used to. I just can't take the abuse anymore.

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SquarePegs80

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Re: Is anyone glad they're married?
« Reply #22 on: September 23, 2019, 02:39:00 PM »
I used to be much more hopeful and committed to trying to make things better, but things are only getting worse. He refuses to get help and doesn't think he needs to change. I've been detaching more and more and it hard. I feel very alone and I am Relaizing more and more that this isn't something I can keep doing because it's making me physically sick and hard to function at times. I can't discuss my feelings, goals, dreams. I fear holidays and my birthday because its painful. I'm starting to work on taking care of me and build a life without him. I have a way to go and have to get myself financially ready, but I'm gonna eventually leave. The good times aren't worth it anymore. I want to be happy and healthy. I wish I could say I wanted to stay. I used to. I just can't take the abuse anymore.

My heart goes out to you.  :hug: Detachment helps a lot and it sounds like your coming Out of the FOG. Hold tight to yourself and yourself alone.  :bighug: This time of year can bring on depression because the holidays the PD people in our lives can ruin them. Make new memories for yourself, see a therapist, you are worth it.  :) Keep coming back to this forum(especially with the holidays ramping up) use the tools in the toolbox it can get you through. It sounds like you are on your way to making yourself number one for a change.  :yes:
Discover yourself like a Lotus flower in full bloom even in a muddy pond. Beautiful and Strong!

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Arkhangelsk

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Re: Is anyone glad they're married?
« Reply #23 on: September 23, 2019, 05:46:45 PM »
I used to be an evangelical Christian, HH. 

So your perspective is something I know about.  I wish you well on your chosen path.  We all have to navigate this things best we can, as our conscience dictates.  But it does make me very sad to read your post. 

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Liftedfog

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Re: Is anyone glad they're married?
« Reply #24 on: September 28, 2019, 09:14:39 AM »
I regret marrying my expdh.  Ignored many red flags but I was too young anyway to understand what I was getting into.   Today, I have lost my home from the ongoing legal battle and may never recover financially. But I am mentally and physically safe having separated. I don't regret leaving.  And I will NEVER invest in another relationship. Freedom is priceless. No more being controlled.  No man will ever treat me like that again.

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Crushed_Dad

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Re: Is anyone glad they're married?
« Reply #25 on: November 11, 2019, 07:07:32 AM »
Nope, but as we have children together the notion of marriage means little really as all anyone is really focused on is the upbringing of the children.

Thing is I blame myself. I ignored so many warning signs that screamed run. The only bright side is seeing two beautiful children grow

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Fae Greenwood

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Re: Is anyone glad they're married?
« Reply #26 on: November 15, 2019, 02:26:01 AM »
I’ve been watching this topic for months and finally decided to answer. The answer, ultimately, is yes I am glad I married my uNPDh. Dealing with his behavior meant that I built a strong foundation of right and wrong that I could teach my children because I wanted them to learn the right way, not their father’s way. I had to find a way to limit the damage my husband and the crazy that came partly from my family and mostly from his (sorry but it’s true). I learned to verbalize how people should interact, how people should respond when faced with negative actions, and talk about making love a choice and not an accidental feeling. I chose to stay in the marriage because I thought and still think that it was the best way to protect my kids from him as they would have had NO protection if I wasn’t present. I talked with them about boundaries when they saw mine violated by their father. I sometimes had to privately talk with them about what they’d just witnessed from their father and evaluate it’s effect, trying to find a way to do that without tearing him down or making them feel less because they were his child and they loved him. I had to give the Golden Child perspective and the Scape Goat a refuge and encouragement. I talked with them about dating as a time to choose if this person was what, not just who, you wanted in your life and about making a choice for the long term. Not everyone can or should stay but I literally did the best I could do, not just the best that I was willing to do,

At a family wedding, my husband made a statement using my words. He said that “attitude counts,” he said that “we must choose to treat those we love like we love them,” he said that “we shouldn’t act in ways that force us to constantly depend on our spouse’s good nature” and more. It was a shock as I didn’t think he’d heard a word coming out of my mouth all those years.  I wish he’d actually put that and other wisdom in action. Perhaps then I would still love him. He is a better man because he married me. I am a better woman because I was faced with challenges that I had to meet. But it has been very hard and the work never ends and now I’m tied to a man from whom I cringe away. Am I happy I married him? No. Am I happy I am still married today? I am happy with the financial and social stability that my marriage brings me as I head toward retirement age. I think I’ve done a good job. I am thinking, though, that he doesn’t understand that he’s BEEN my job and just what my retirement might mean.
I have to remind myself constantly that I am responsible for my choices but not the choices of anyone else.

When we have a child, we give a hostage to fortune and to the other parent.

I may not respond as I have to sneak onto this site and more than a quick view is challenging.

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Pepin

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Re: Is anyone glad they're married?
« Reply #27 on: November 15, 2019, 02:24:04 PM »
I am thinking, though, that he doesn’t understand that he’s BEEN my job and just what my retirement might mean.

Fae, everything you wrote resonated with me.  I am literally teary reading your words.  Especially this last part...like you, it has been my "job" to deal with DH and I know it will have a huge impact during our empty nester years/PDMil's death/retirement.  My anxiety is huge thinking about this uncharted territory.  Obviously DH plays a significant role in all of this as my spouse.  His way of behaving (enmeshed GC/enabler, fleas, etc.) over the last number of years has largely been influenced by PDMil and magnified after his father died.   This has affected the way he has treated me and our teens -- a very different man than whom I married. 

If DH is unable to simmer down after all of the above life changes, then my future will need a different course of action.  Like you, I will need some peace as I am exhausted.  My health is letting me know that I cannot do this forever.
Why work so hard to have a relationship with someone that does not care the same way as you?

No PD is going to tell me what to do.

Born into a dysfunctional family and married into a dysfunctional family.

People who don't bring joy, let them go.

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GettingOOTF

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Re: Is anyone glad they're married?
« Reply #28 on: November 15, 2019, 02:51:24 PM »
If you’d asked me I would have said I was happy when I was married. The “we are different, I can fix this” story I told myself kept me in the marriage and gave me something to focus on. I was proud that I supported the both of us and I was giving up so much to help this damaged person who just needed to be loved the right way. Genuinely proud. I sacrificed so much and made sure everyone knew it. My dysfunctional, abusive marriage was my entire identity.

Now after years of therapy and learning about codependence I see how I used my BPDxH’s issues as a distraction from mine. I also wanted to honor my vows, I thought that good, decent people don’t leave those in need, that this was my life lesson, that God brought us together for a reason.

I don’t blame my ex. I see now how broken I was and how I could only pick other equally broken people. I mean even as a kid if I had some silly crush on a movie star or a tv character it would be with the most broken, “needy” one. If I hadn’t married my ex I would have married someone exactly like him BUT I found something inside me that caused me to look at myself and acknowledge my role in the marriage.  I was abused and in an abusive marriage because I picked an abuser. No more, no less. Today I attract and am attracted to totally different people. There’s something about “broken” people that now repels me where as before it drew me in.   

I’ve said before that if I met my ex in a bar today I wouldn’t let him by me a drink, but really if he saw me he wouldn’t offer, he’d look straight past me to someone as broken as I used to be.

So yeah at the time I was happy in my marriage and it was fulfilling some needs I had at the time. Today I wouldn’t be happy in that same marriage.

I also want to add that I do not blame my BPDxH for the abuse and awful things he did. As I said above, it it hadn’t been him it would have been someone just like him. I picked someone who couldn’t give me what I wanted and needed. Instead of walking away I tried to control his behavior and actions, tried to force him to be someone he wasn’t. I chose over and over again to stay and force him to be someone he didn’t want to be. Yes I wanted him to get a job, be present, not abuse me. These all sound reasonable but he wasn’t capable of giving them and one could argue that it was equally abusive and controlling of me to try and force him to be anything other than what he was. We both wanted something the other was never going to give.
« Last Edit: November 15, 2019, 02:57:54 PM by GettingOOTF »

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Poison Ivy

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Re: Is anyone glad they're married?
« Reply #29 on: November 15, 2019, 07:14:25 PM »
These are very honest words, and they describe me  and my ex, too:  "Yes I wanted him to get a job, be present, not abuse me. These all sound reasonable but he wasn’t capable of giving them and one could argue that it was equally abusive and controlling of me to try and force him to be anything other than what he was. We both wanted something the other was never going to give."  Thank you, GettingOOTF

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Arkhangelsk

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Re: Is anyone glad they're married?
« Reply #30 on: November 25, 2019, 07:11:31 PM »
Heady, powerful stuff, GettingOOTF.

I had such a similar narrative in my head.  I am so goddamn grateful I shifted things.

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MountainGal

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Re: Is anyone glad they're married?
« Reply #31 on: December 07, 2019, 06:25:06 PM »
I think my answer to this question is "yes" right now. If we hadn't been married--if we hadn't had a kid together--I don't think I would have made the effort I have made to try to keep this relationship. I'm not saying I've done all the work. My husband has also done a lot of work this past year in therapy and 12 step meetings. But I wouldn't have stuck around to see him do that work. I've learned a lot about myself this past year, about codependency and the issues that brought me into and kept me in this relationship for so long. Things aren't perfect, but I believe that if we both keep working hard things can and will improve. I've been starting to get more into spiritual growth lately--learning to ask for a higher power to help guide me in my decisions and actions. That's really hard for me, since I'm pretty agnostic. But I think these new perspectives are helpful. I could look at my marriage as a horrible situation that was thrust on to me by someone who lied about who they were. Or I could look at this as a necessary lesson for me, one that I needed to experience to learn and grow as a person. So I'm still learning and growing. That does not mean that I will stay in this marriage forever, but for right now I'm going to stick it out until I feel that I'm done learning.

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Poison Ivy

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Re: Is anyone glad they're married?
« Reply #32 on: December 07, 2019, 06:31:41 PM »
I love your post, MountainGal.

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bat123

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Re: Is anyone glad they're married?
« Reply #33 on: December 15, 2019, 06:21:08 PM »
This is a difficult question, but it’s been interesting to read the responses.  I am overwhelmed at how similar many of these are to my own situation.  I guess almost all of us with children are hard pressed to state that we regret our marriages.  And for many of us, we have experienced significant personal growth as a result of trying to cope with our situations, so there’s that.  I feel sad, though, when I look back at my former self, who for years languished in an abusive dynamic I could not name.  I always knew something was extra difficult about my marriage, but I thought that it was my fault.  After years of therapy and educating myself, I now know what this is, and has always been.  Abuse.  The endless cycle of blame, accusations, interrogations, threats, suspicions, name calling, character attacks, and physical aggression— all of which I was willing to forgive and forget the moment he’d say something to me like “Do you know how much I love you?  You’re my wife for life.”  Wash, rinse, repeat.  Now the sad, bleak reality of what this has been all along is sinking in.  And I’m left wondering if any of the “good” times were even real?  The cuddling on the couch watching movies, camping trips where we’d tell stories by the fire, working side by side contentedly doing projects around the house— a lifetime of good memories that exist alongside the horrors.  Yet, I know in my heart that every “good” moment we’ve shared has been tainted by a little voice in my head saying “Be very careful, this might not last.  Don’t screw this moment up.”  I don’t know how to answer the question posed on this thread, and I suppose it doesn’t matter.  It’s been a learning experience, if nothing else.

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Crushed_Dad

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Re: Is anyone glad they're married?
« Reply #34 on: December 17, 2019, 11:20:24 AM »
perfect response bat.

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feelingflatnumb

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Re: Is anyone glad they're married?
« Reply #35 on: December 17, 2019, 11:49:45 PM »
Yes, I am. Haven't always been. But am now. He's more lovely than he is BPD. He's working hard on it, as am I in not reacting, in focussing on myself. Both of our extended whole families are rife with BPD, NPD or some sad mix of addiction mental illness...so I'm kinda used to it.

No one else would touch my extended mess of a family with a 10 foot barge-pole quite frankly, and we've been through so much.

He knows me, I know him, we share many things together. Kids, pets, hobbies, a huge house and property we love...friends, memories, family chaos, a movie obsession...and a wicked dark sense of humour.  He's weird and crazy but also wise and worldly, funny and cool. As long as we both keep up our health and sleep, our boundaries and manners, all is good enough. Anyone else would be kinda naive and boring I think:-)

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whitedeer

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Re: Is anyone glad they're married?
« Reply #36 on: March 07, 2020, 10:12:19 PM »
I think my answer to this question is "yes" right now. If we hadn't been married--if we hadn't had a kid together--I don't think I would have made the effort I have made to try to keep this relationship. I'm not saying I've done all the work. My husband has also done a lot of work this past year in therapy and 12 step meetings. But I wouldn't have stuck around to see him do that work. I've learned a lot about myself this past year, about codependency and the issues that brought me into and kept me in this relationship for so long. Things aren't perfect, but I believe that if we both keep working hard things can and will improve. I've been starting to get more into spiritual growth lately--learning to ask for a higher power to help guide me in my decisions and actions. That's really hard for me, since I'm pretty agnostic. But I think these new perspectives are helpful. I could look at my marriage as a horrible situation that was thrust on to me by someone who lied about who they were. Or I could look at this as a necessary lesson for me, one that I needed to experience to learn and grow as a person. So I'm still learning and growing. That does not mean that I will stay in this marriage forever, but for right now I'm going to stick it out until I feel that I'm done learning.

Yes, I am. Haven't always been. But am now. He's more lovely than he is BPD. He's working hard on it, as am I in not reacting, in focussing on myself. Both of our extended whole families are rife with BPD, NPD or some sad mix of addiction mental illness...so I'm kinda used to it.

No one else would touch my extended mess of a family with a 10 foot barge-pole quite frankly, and we've been through so much.

He knows me, I know him, we share many things together. Kids, pets, hobbies, a huge house and property we love...friends, memories, family chaos, a movie obsession...and a wicked dark sense of humour.  He's weird and crazy but also wise and worldly, funny and cool. As long as we both keep up our health and sleep, our boundaries and manners, all is good enough. Anyone else would be kinda naive and boring I think:-)

Hi there - new here - and I guess bumping this thread, but just want to say I love these responses.

I've joined this forum due to feeling bewildered and seeking support/similar perspective in my marriage, but I want to say the underlying feeling I have is always hope. I have new boundaries to set but if I stick to them and things get better, then it's worth it. We'll see where they go - the journey right now is more important than the destination - but once the destination starts looking bad, it's time to reassess.

But otherwise, like feelingflatnumb said, I honestly haven't met someone better than my DH ever. We're both so weird, share so many jokes, and intimacy is still alive. I'll take my chances even when things look dark.  :)

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tragedy or hope

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Re: Is anyone glad they're married?
« Reply #37 on: March 13, 2020, 05:31:19 PM »
What a great question. I think happy is the key word here. Happiness comes and goes depending on whether or not I get heartburn from eating pizza.

Really, happy? Maybe on my wedding day. (while I was in blind bliss) I was happy when my children were born, when they each got married, when my grandchildren were born, when I got my dream job, when I lost 25 pds. and the number on the scale was true to my drivers' license and when I found there are people like me here on this website, living with insanity in some form.

Seriously, I am so glad for this site. People, therapists; more than one, told me to consider getting out on my own years ago, but I had children, and I have a broken sense of loyalty. And the biblical thing kicked in, along with being unable to tell anyone what was really going on in my house.

I spent many years crying alone... looking at my beautiful children unable to bring sadness into their lives for my sake. I was and always have been a natural actress. I learned it in my foo. Pretend and it all goes away. when unpdh went to work, or watched a game...whatever; after tormenting my soul with something I said I needed from him. (emotional) I had no clue it was a personality disorder.

No, happiness is not a part of my vocabulary in marriage but I am happy with myself. I am happy about how much I have grown to be more than his victim. I am happy there is an answer to why for 40+ years I knew something was askew and now I have answers.

He too doesn't care much for me. (always if one considers the un)  I get love bombed and told he has to "pray" each morning to love me. Really! I take all the good I can get out of it. I don't want to get up to get my own coffee sometimes, and now that I know it is love bombing, I enjoy that I am getting what I want but he is not. I am no longer his victim for that stuff. I just take it with a grain of salt that HE has to do these things. My one friend who knows about all this tells me "receive the good from God," it isn't coming genuinely from unpdh.

I have a beautiful home, I love being in it. I love where I live. He says very little. We are kind most of the time to each other. My life does not feel repairable at this point. I am making the best of it.

I NEVER would have gone near his charming sweet smile and good looks, had I come from a normal healthy family. We all have issues. I appreciate the people here who have gotten out while they were young.

I can't live in sad. It has made me ill in the past. Anxiety related ailments are in my past due to fretting and not understanding I can't get ice cream out of a hardware store.

My childhood was riddled with parental drinking and drama, so I will not fault myself for never knowing what normal is. I DO know abnormal and have lived it my whole life. It makes me sad, but I still have hope for my own life. Not ours. I am too old and would be too poor to live on my own.., for what?

We have beautiful grandchildren. We do enjoy all of them together and we have some good times. Mostly through the years I have put the effort into gatherings etc.

Alone we are not so good together over longer periods of time. (now he is retired, it's own nightmare) I manage, I have interests. I am a diehard optimist, which is why I am still here. This is childish thinking. I know nothing will change, I can't see him "repenting" of his GIANT ego. However, I am a good person, and I know I deserve better. Little by little I am standing up to insanity when it comes my way. I must learn to live my own life, whether or not he changes or gives me what I think I want. Apparently, I want the distance I have now. I think I kind of like it.