“Well you chose it.” A bunch of negative self-talk.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I often feel that I don't have any legitimate claim to be having a hard time, or to ask for help. Over and over, as a child and as an adult, I heard a variation of, "You made your bed, now lie in it." Homeschooling is tough? Well you chose it. You're pregnant and tired? Well what did you expect? You're overwhelmed? Well whose fault is that? Don't expect other people to fix your mistakes. You don't know what to do in a certain situation? Well that's your problem.

I still speak to myself in that invalidating voice I'm noticing. More so in times of stress, which right now definitely is. Pregnant and moving in a few days. You're still feeling grief over NC? Well you should feel awful. Worried they'll track you down? Well what do you expect? That uncertainty is a consequence of your choice to try to cut them off. You're feeling sad about moving away from certain people? Well this move was entirely by choice, so suck it up buttercup. Now they know how little you really did value them so don't expect much from that friendship in future. And asking for help moving? That's an insult. Who do I think I am that we can build a better life for our FOC? I should have found a way to make it work and be content and grateful with what I have. Which is much more than 95% of the world. It would serve me right if the people I think are going to be my friends in the new place find out that I'm actually just a drain on their resources. I worked so hard to build up our home and community here and now I'm just throwing it all away. That's the kind of stupid thing I always do. And of course I *had* to have sex that night and made myself even less competent than usual. 

I know this is not reality. But it's Just really hard to shut off the anxiety and nagativity just now. And I don't have a therapist now, because moving. I feel like I'm barely functioning, it's all I can do choke down some food (nausea) to get the boxes packed without screaming at my children. I've been dreaming about my mother again, too. I wake up feeling guilty. And then guilty about what seems like such a huge all-around regression.

Hopefully I'll start feeling more myself when the move and first trimester are both done. But I don't want to be suffering this much in the meantime.

[athene1399]

Cordelia,

Whenever I find myself in the negative talk trap, I try to reword the mental chatter to more positive and/or self-compassionate sentences. For example, in regards to the NC instead of thinking "well you should fee awful" change to "i made a challenging decision and it will take some time to get used to.I am doing my best learning to adjust."

I sometimes get like that too, but the more I practice reframing a situation or changing the negative chatter to positive, I feel more empowered and better about my decisions. I hope things get better for you soon. 

[sarandro]

Hi Cordelia...
I have been pretty negative with my thoughts too...
I hope you can find a fresh start with your move and pregnancy
Sending you lots of loveXX

[looloo]

I often feel that I don't have any legitimate claim to be having a hard time, or to ask for help. Over and over, as a child and as an adult, I heard a variation of, "You made your bed, now lie in it." Homeschooling is tough? Well you chose it. You're pregnant and tired? Well what did you expect? You're overwhelmed? Well whose fault is that? Don't expect other people to fix your mistakes. You don't know what to do in a certain situation? Well that's your problem.

Oh my gosh, this is SO typical of what I experienced with my Nmother!
I was having a hard time socially in middle school?  "Well, you wanted to switch from private school to public school..." (because it was becoming horrible being at the same school, 1 year behind my brother, as he was morphing into an awful teenager).

I was in my first serious relationship (in my 20's!—late bloomer), had gone on the pill, my periods became very irregular, and I admitted to being worried about a possible pregnancy despite birth control.  "Well, you should have thought about that!"   

When I was horribly sexually harassed and intimidated by a boss (who has since coasted through life as a high level exec  ) - "Well, if you wanted respect, you should have chosen a different job."  Yes, she said that.

When I finally divorced my PD H and he prevented me from seeing my dogs ever again (probably the saddest, most painful consequence of leaving the marriage) - "Maybe next time you'll make better decisions." 

Anyway, enough about me    I hope you are able to see another side of this, which is that despite all the negative self talk, you are being brave and tough, doing something for your FOO that isn't easy, but that is the RIGHT decision for all of you.

Maybe if, every time you hear that negative talk start up, just interrupt it immediately with a firm "knock it off!!"  And then give yourself a hug, literally!  And tell yourself you're doing amazing!  Oh, and also ask your hormones to give it a rest too 

Good luck!

[TriedTooHard]

You certainly don't deserve this, you are doing the best you can.  Instead of that, can you replace it with proud feelings for what you have accomplished so far?  Especially for your ability to look inward.  Its really eye opening to read your negative self talk and think how you don't deserve that harsh treatment!  Yet, I do it to myself and I'm sure many others here do it to themselves as well.

[moglow]

Woah there! You did choose these things and that's a GOOD thing! You realized you don't need and had no reason to expect their support or approval, and went for it. So YAY!!!

The last therapist I saw pointed out to me that I "should and ought" myself an awful lot, I put needless senseless pressure on myself. "You have yet to give yourself anywhere near the grace you give your mother." I countered her observation with  "but I should ...and I ought to..." while she sat there looking at me with a raised eyebrow. Yeah, it took a minute for that eyebrow to sink in, but I got the message.

Sitting here, eyebrow raised for you this time, my friend. Try to be more gentle with and find some grace for yourself.

[Aingeal]

Cordelia -

What you're embarking on is AMAZING!!  You're AMAZING!!  It takes courage to do all you are doing.  You are daring to carve out a brand new healthy life for you and your family. 

And moving away from toxic FOO - even though is the best decision - ever -  change makes us second guess ourselves.  Listen to your gut.  This sounds like good decision making to me. 

Our FOO grooms is with their negative talk which we then hear in our heads even long after we've gone NC.  But we can change that negative self talk and tell our inner critic to Bug Off.  We have that power
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2v3W6lLj7MM   the first 10 minutes of th I Kris Godinez video addresses shutting up the inner critic )

I don't think you're throwing all away - I'd rather take a chance on something than stand still .... Forever

You got this

A healthy family response to a daughter feeling stress from homeschooling,  a big move out of the area is usually "how can I help/ can I do anything? Let me know".

Healthy response to pregnancy is CONGRATULATIONS!!  Ditto - "Can I help with anything?". Moving/ watching the kids for a while so you can rest

Soon you will be surrounded by healthy people and have a beautiful baby too.  That inner critic negative talk can be silenced and even changed  to positive talk.  Don't stop now - Don't look back -  ignore the doubts.  It sounds to me like you're making very positive change

[Sojourner17]

Wow CMC, you are making big but healthy changes and congratulations on your pregnancy!
I too get those messages running through my mind. A lot!  When I think of it I work on taking those thoughts captive. I have a tool I printed off and tucked away to help me when I'm feeling/thinking certain things. It's not easy and I don't always remember to do it but it's been helpful.
This is what I use : http://alittleperspective.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/02/37-feeling-trainer.jpg
Plus a print out that goes through basic feelings and thoughts (which I can't seem to find the URL for right now ☹️ Sorry).  I don't know how much faith comes into play so I won't say more but this has helped me when I DO remember to pull it out.

[Spring Butterfly]

Pregnant and moving !?!?! You're amazing!!

Yes to all the other replies plus I'll offer Pete Walkers website and overcoming the inner critic that helped me.

Yes uPDm is *all* about blame and shame. Someone or something is at fault. The whole 'you made your bed' shaming which basically translates to "I told you so"  even if she hadn't told me a thing. "Shame on your for choosing something other than what I wish" was the message. You had to go off and be an individual, shame shame shame.

Let me offer a little gentle spin to reframe this:

Here's the thing. Life happens and lots of time no particular person or thing is to blame. We made a choice and it works or doesn't work out. That's called living.

Here's another thing about living. ALL choices that matter are work. Nothing worth anything is coasting. It's going to take effort and it's going to have some sweat moments along with the glory moments. That's what living is all about.

Staying in a comfort zone is boring! Living life, making choices is what life is supposed to be. You only get one shot at life, there's no do over. So you're making yours count and actually live it! This is awesome!! 

PD persons often don't live life. They sit quietly in their comfort zone and they want others who do their bidding, controlling, enmeshing. Not us, we're waking up and living our own individual life.

I'm immensely happy for you that you've started your Out of the FOG journey so early and able to live a rich and full exciting life! You got this.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Thank you so much, everybody. I could see what I was doing and even some of why but just didn't have it in me to conquer it on my own just then. I referred to this thread throughout the day when the thoughts and bad mood would spike up again, and it helped a LOT. I'll probably keep doing that over the next few days. Wish I had time to respond to you each individually! Really grateful for all the support here. ❤️

[AD]

Cordelia,

You've received lots of good advice already, and I agree that you're doing a great thing by moving. To try to counter your negative thoughts, a few other ideas came to mind: a meditation class, a yoga class, a funny show/movie that will get you laughing and out of your head, at least for a few minutes. You mentioned that you don't have a therapist because you're moving - perhaps you could try something like TalkSpace (online access to therapy)?

Glad to hear that you're feeling better - keep being kind to yourself, and best of luck with your move.