How do you guys handle unsolicited advice?

[StayWithMe]

It happens to me frequently enough for me to think about it.

Lately, because I have become involved in tennis, I'm not the best but I am also not the worst, I find too often doubles partners who hit balls into the net that don't go over and double default often enough to lose a game, have lot of advice for me.

I am wondering if I am too good natured responding and that not encourages them to continue spewing advice and, possibly, that may encourage to be scornful........ that is, someone to dominate.

in any case, I'd like to hear your situations when you are doused with unwanted, and especially, unhelpful advice whether from family member or anyone else in your life.  Have you found an effective way to handle this behavior.

[notrightinthehead]

I keep on telling myself that whatever others say tells more about them than it does about me. It has become sort of a mantra for me.
I don't play tennis but I play bridge and I encounter a lot of people who tell me I should have done this or bid that. In the end all that matters is: did I play as well as I can given my limitations?

[Jsinjin]

It's always worth what you pay!   Unless it's been carefully screened in a double blind test study, is mathematically a fundamental law, or it's one of the coaches with successful athletes at the US open.   Otherwise just say thanks and avoid the temptation to have your racquet slip when you swing it near them.


I am rrfurbising  a house to get away from my ocpd spouse.    I have so many friends who ask when I will move in like a project management request.    I used to stress but I've started letting them know that their need for the action is hurting me.    Not the same as unsolicited tennis advice from  a doubles partner.   But perhaps letting them know you're concentrating on something else and while you appreciate the feedback your coach or YouTube videos are helping you.

Best I've God    but remember what you paid for my advice!

[commongoal123]

I keep on telling myself that whatever others say tells more about them than it does about me. It has become sort of a mantra for me.
I don't play tennis but I play bridge and I encounter a lot of people who tell me I should have done this or bid that. In the end all that matters is: did I play as well as I can given my limitations?

Boom.  This right here.  Very well put. 

[Hazy111]

Find a new partner.   

Golf is worse. I just enjoyed playing most with my brother in law , because we were both equally bad! It never got too competitive. 

The amount of players who cheat (move the ball when no one is watching), then miss count their scores. Then you have to listen at the bar or whatever to their B***S*** about how well they played.

* PD is the norm not the exception . 

[Thru the Rain]

DH ran a small business for a while and he received a tidal wave of unsolicited advice.

We made a private joke out of it. The advice always seemed to start with "what you ought to do....." Which when someone is actually speaking comes out as "Chauttado...".

We started calling them the Chauttado People, which cracked us up. It's silly, but made it easier to identify the uninvited advice and to give it the zero attention it deserved.

And to be clear, these were kind, well-meaning people. They just had NO idea what they were talking about.

[clara]

I have a good friend who is always giving unwanted advice and it's starting to get really irritating.  It's gotten to the point where I don't say anything to her that she can even remotely perceive as a problem or "issue."  Because if she does, she'll have advice no matter how ill-informed or dumb or impossible it is.  For example, recently I told  her I wanted to purchase a carpet from an on-line seller but the seller said he could no longer sell it because it was found to be defective.  Well, my friend suggested I negotiate a lower price and get it repaired.  I didn't even bother asking where one went for carpet repair around here, and it wasn't even the point of her comment--the point was to find a solution to my "problem" (which wasn't even a problem).  She's forever saying "well perhaps you could" or "why don't you" and then we have to have a discussion over why her suggestion isn't practical/doable/interesting etc.

She's not a PD which is why I find it hard to shut her down.  She's coming from a sincere place because she was raised to be "helpful" in all situations and she no longer knows where the boundaries are.  She doesn't seem to understand that not every discussion about an issue or situation isn't the same as asking for help.  She has a bottomless need to be "useful" because of her family upbringing and this is one of the ways it manifests.  Mostly I've learned to ignore her and say nothing when she gives her so-called "advice" because I have no idea how to even address her habit let alone try to break her out of it!  Long ago I tried to explain to her that not every problem has a solution or even needs one, but she wasn't able to understand that.  So my solution is to just shrug her comments off (not much of a solution, I know).

[sevenyears]

It depends on who is giving me the unsolicited advice. When it is my uocpd stbxh, I say thank you, I will do it my way. That drives him crazy, but usually he backs off - until the next round. He is like Mr. "You should have" or "You should do" because he believes he is always right and knows best. Personally, I've nearly eliminated the phrase from my vocabulary and refuse to use it anymore unless someone asks for advice. If the unsolicited advice is coming from friends or family members, then I would let it roll off me. If there's too much of it, then I would tell them thanks, but no thanks for the advice, I'll ask for it if I need it. And, if the unsolicited advice comes from someone who's relationship I don't put much stake in (ie acquaintances, etc), then I just basically disregard it or tell them I've already thought of that.

Can you tell your tennis partner that you appreciate her good intentions (if that is indeed the case), but you want her to stop giving you advice because ... (insert reason here)?

[StayWithMe]

Can you tell your tennis partner that you appreciate her good intentions (if that is indeed the case), but you want her to stop giving you advice because ... (insert reason here)?

I have done that before.  Sometimes, they get defensive.  For example, in my late '50s, I'm not getting any f aster.  So I hedge sometimes and not stay at my station at the baseline.  Sometimes, you get it right since the returned ball goes out anyway or stays close to the net.  Winsome, lose some.

this particular woman was having trouble getting balls over the net.  I don't normally like doing tit for tat, but I may well start doing it.

[Poison Ivy]

This thread is a good reminder to me (an inveterate "mom") to stop giving unsolicited advice. Thank you!

[Wilderhearts]

In the sport I do, there's a specific term for giving unsolicited advice - let's call it "spraying advice." (sorry I'm being vague - just trying to stay anonymous and it's a less common sport.)  It's unacceptable for a number of reasons, but let's just say people who do it are breaching the custom and are considered green, or just rude/obnoxious.

Most often I share an eye-roll or raised eye-brow with someone else who recognizes the offending behaviour.  If I'm  think they're well meaning but ignorant of how little they know, I may just inform them that spraying advice is considered poor form, and often is counterproductive because how you move as a muscular 6'2 man is not how I move as a smaller woman.  Sometimes I'll explain specifically how my attempt would have failed and I would have likely gotten injured if I had taken their advice.

General, less involved but deflective responses are:
- "well I'm glad that works for you" (i.e. I'll find what works for me, thanks)
- "Is that so?"
- "Hmm" and
- "SHUSH!"  (A man much less experienced than I am was shouting at me what to do during an attempt - everything he was saying was wrong and I knew it, and it is NEVER acceptable to shout advice during someone's attempt in this sport's culture.  Literally shushed him over my shoulder and went back to my attempt.)

Also, around beginners I lead by example.  I always ask them "Can I offer you a suggestion?" before giving them an observation or a tip on technique.

[foobarred]

This thread is a good reminder to me (an inveterate "mom") to stop giving unsolicited advice. Thank you!