Final decision is so hard

bohemian butterfly · June 03, 2019, 02:03:08 PM

So my house inspection went well this morning. No major issues at all! I can still back out, I have until Friday to make my final decision. And I'm so scared! I don't know if I'm making the right choice!

My boyfriend was "normal" and even happy! on Saturday night and Sunday, (although I admit, he was drinking). I have noticed that he's happiest with a drink in hand. But, (and I know, with my "but" that he's probably an alcoholic and I'm in denial) It is during these times that I remember how it was and could be. It is during these happy times that I "forget" my unhappiness. In fact, if I hadn't journaled these past few weeks, I wouldn't have realized my unhappiness. This confuses me. It makes me feel crazy. I feel like I have amnesia and I'm the one who is the problem, but even as I write this, I hear myself saying, "no, it's no you".

I keep thinking, oh, maybe it will get better in the fall (when produce season is over) and/or maybe it will get better in a few weeks (as we get into a rhythm with farmers markets).

I did talk to him on Saturday morning, I told him that all we do is farm and that it's taken over my life. I have no idea who I am anymore. When he came back from the farmers market, he suggested a bike ride, which seemed like he took my conversation to heart, but I feel this is temporary.

Part of me feels like I need to tell him about this house. I feel like I am in the wrong for doing this behind his back. But when I first started this process, it was so bad I was halfway out the door.

I'm getting cold feet guys!

Spygirl · June 03, 2019, 02:15:37 PM

Its very scary, i agree.

When i was on that cliff, i knew if i jumped i would probably never be able to climb back to that spot again.

Do i stick with the devil i know? Or the Devil i dont know?

The first two weeks away were very very painful, but during that time i got the first rest in many years. I was becoming calmer. I felt safe. I had 2 trash bags of clothes, a chair, and a mattress, and i was happier.

Look at it this way, you can afford the space. He likes to farm. Perhaps you continue to date from a place where you are not treated poorly, and you both can get perspective. You can always rent the hs or sell if it works out. If it does not, you have a place. Having a fallback gives you confidence.

I was encouraged to sell my hs and pay down my pdh's morgage many, many,times. I refused. I am glad, because i would have been homeless with no funds to get into anything. He would have control.

Put your own needs and safety first. You can do it.

bohemian butterfly · June 03, 2019, 02:22:41 PM

Thank you so much for your reply. I appreciate you sharing your story. It's very helpful to know that you came out on the other side (although I'm so sorry that you even had that experience)

I teared up when I read: 2 trash bags full of clothes, a chair and mattress. I just wanted to reach back in time and give you a gigantic hug. How brave.

Your analogy is so right on the mark. The cliff of the unknown.

I'm so very tired friends. I'm emotionally spent, but this forum and all of you give me strength and hope.

One step at a time.

Spygirl · June 03, 2019, 03:57:47 PM

What helped me be brave was this forum. I read all the posts of people who went back, time after time, expecting something would change and it never did.

Some of those people sacrificed 30 yrs.

Some of those people were treated much worse, but stayed the second time, and complain and become bitter, or shells of themselves.

I decided to LIVE, and jumped. It was and is the best thing i ever did. I needed to learn something from that marriage, and i got the message.

The hardest part after initially leaving, is coming to terms with how YOU allowed YOURSELF to stay in a toxic situation. To own your stuff. When you get to there, and it.may take a year for the skies to clear, life is amazing. It is better than anything you have now. I.promise.

Blackbird11 · June 03, 2019, 04:18:04 PM

BB - first - I think it's awesome you can buy a house on your own. Congratulations and hope all goes well.

Regarding our PDs, I've also had similar thoughts and I'm doing exactly as Spygirl says - reading and saving links to threads on here of those who have gone through it for decades. It has been very helpful.

notrightinthehead · June 03, 2019, 04:47:00 PM

I am one of those who doubted herself and stayed and stayed and stayed. And there were good times too. I think there will always be tiny bits of doubt, you will never know for SURE that you made the right decision. He could change. He could be kind and respectful and love you as you want to be loved. There is always hope. What price are you willing to pay for it? What are you willing to sacrifice for him?

bohemian butterfly · June 03, 2019, 06:03:59 PM

Update: (tw)

So he did 3 things this evening that definitely crossed the line and were my "signs" from God/higher power. In truth, I'm glad these 3 things happened because I definitely know now with 100% clarity, I gotta go.

After I got home from work, I asked if he'd like to walk the farm with my dog. He said sure. Note: he had to get a beer first (not a good sign). As we walked, I asked him about his day. I asked him about our full time employee (now our full time employee is a Godsend. He works very hard and he knows how to farm). Well my boyfriend said he "punished" him today. I was like, "what?!" He said, " yeah, that's what he gets for slacking off, coming late. I made him drive stakes into the ground (this is grueling work). I thought he was joking (he wasn't).

Then we got to the electric fence. He stepped on one of the strands so we (dog and I could cross). Well my dogs paw got hung up in the line and he got shocked and totally freaked out! I comforted him and was my boyfriend was like "well, he'll learn". Learn what exactly???? 🤬On the way back, as we got close to the fence, my dog of course totally freaked out. I told my bf to disconnect the fence (there was a plastic handle right beside us, easy to detach). He was like "gimme the leash!" And I was like, "no, he's scared to death!" An angry look flashed across his face and he "bumped" into me (not hard, but angrily). He was pissed that I wouldn't "teach" the dog. I actually picked up my 55 lb dog and carried him. My bf was like "oh my gosh". I was just freaking out inside. I am still freaking out.

I am so outta here. He might bark at me, but my animals are my children. I'm collecting them and we are out.

I just can't even believe this. I'm sick inside.

The crazy thing is I asked for a sign. This came through, loud and clear.

Liftedfog · June 03, 2019, 08:47:32 PM

Big hug. That was horrible and you are completely in the right. You go girl. Take your fur babies and don't look back. Yes. God gives you signs. My faith is what has kept me sane through my 30 year abusive marriage. He delivered me! I am now free. It's bitter sweet. You will be fine. Just be extra vigilant as he may become unhinged. I feel bad for your employee. Maybe he should leave too.

11JB68 · June 03, 2019, 09:44:02 PM

Oh boy...he punished him....Once again he sounds so much like my uOCPDh...

So glad your home inspection went well.

I thick it is completely normal to have mixed feelings.

bohemian butterfly · June 04, 2019, 11:20:12 AM

I am a mess today. I am focusing on just taking it a step at a time, like literally. Every step, I take a deep breath and try to focus on the fact that I am taking a step on this precious planet. The anxiety is super high. I posted a sign on my office do that reads, "do not disturb, working on time-sensitive projects" (so I am hopefully that people will leave me alone) and I'm wearing earphones and listening to Binaural Beats: reducing anxiety (basically this is subliminal music that soothes your brainwaves). I think that it is starting to work.

I need to heal my precious brain. I was conditioned from birth to be a people-pleaser and I am having a very hard time remembering the negative. It's like I have amnesia. It is difficult weighing the pros and cons and making a decision. I know that I am not alone, but this stuff is really difficult at times.

I think that one of the hardest parts is knowing that if I leave, he will give me a hard time and I am not good when people come pleading to me, crying, begging for second chances. I usually give them another shot, but end up regretting it almost immediately, only to have to go through the process a second time...... Thankfully I have a therapy session tomorrow and after that I sign my final paperwork for this house. I am trying really hard to keep it together, but I need a mental break. Even my cat is stressed (he is feeding off my emotions - he has a mouth ulcer) I asked my vet if he could be feeling my stress and she was like, "yes, absolutely." She and the vet tech kinda looked at each other, like "hmmm, what is going on with this woman?" They have probably seen situations like this before.... This made me want to cry because this cat is like my BFF.

Focusing on the breath and walking one step at a time. One. tiny. step. at. a. time.

sad_dog_mommy · June 04, 2019, 01:55:42 PM

Abuse amnesia is a real thing. I think it might be our brain's way of protecting us. I made lists in my head when I was in doubt about my exBPDBF. 10 things I wont miss about him. 5 things that will be different when he is gone. 5 times he made me cry. I even made a list of things I would miss when he was gone. (I am happy to say that 4 and a half years later the only thing I miss about him was the way he cooked salmon on the grill.)

I am also a people pleaser and I forgive much too quickly. I just want the drama to be over so I sweep things under the rug and hope for the best.
I don't think there is anything wrong with being a people pleaser now that I am Out of the FOG and better able to establish boundaries and say no once in a while. All I can say is trust your gut.

((( hug )))

bohemian butterfly · June 04, 2019, 03:10:06 PM

Quote from: sad_dog_mommy on June 04, 2019, 01:55:42 PM
Abuse amnesia is a real thing. I think it might be our brain's way of protecting us. I made lists in my head when I was in doubt about my exBPDBF. 10 things I wont miss about him. 5 things that will be different when he is gone. 5 times he made me cry. I even made a list of things I would miss when he was gone. (I am happy to say that 4 and a half years later the only thing I miss about him was the way he cooked salmon on the grill.)

I am also a people pleaser and I forgive much too quickly. I just want the drama to be over so I sweep things under the rug and hope for the best.
I don't think there is anything wrong with being a people pleaser now that I am Out of the FOG and better able to establish boundaries and say no once in a while. All I can say is trust your gut.

((( hug )))

Thank you sad_dog_mommy. Your words meant so much to me. I feel better knowing that you've walked through, came Out of the FOG and have boundaries, you def give me hope!

Jsinjin · June 05, 2019, 06:27:51 AM

BB:

You sound so much like me and I pray for you in sympathy. The idea of teaching others a lesson is such a strange behavior and you got a double dose. I too forgive. I believe that it's one of the gifts God gave me but in the case of my spouse all it takes is one kind word or a request for a walk or time and somehow I think everything may be ok. And then a version of a dog on an electric fence or a story of abuse comes up.

I will cheer you on continuously! I too have a house and it's not one that I'm buying, it's one I'm refurbishing and I pray daily that she does not thwart my plans.

bohemian butterfly · June 05, 2019, 12:10:22 PM

Quote from: Jsinjin on June 05, 2019, 06:27:51 AM
BB:

You sound so much like me and I pray for you in sympathy. The idea of teaching others a lesson is such a strange behavior and you got a double dose. I too forgive. I believe that it's one of the gifts God gave me but in the case of my spouse all it takes is one kind word or a request for a walk or time and somehow I think everything may be ok. And then a version of a dog on an electric fence or a story of abuse comes up.

I will cheer you on continuously! I too have a house and it's not one that I'm buying, it's one I'm refurbishing and I pray daily that she does not thwart my plans.

Thank you Jsinjin,

I can feel your cheering and positive vibes!

I get the "I pray daily that she (he) does not thwart my plans." me too Jsinjin, me too

I had a therapy session 2 hours ago that was very, very helpful (I'm telling you, when you find a great therapist, it is life-changing - I've gone through many therapists throughout the years, but this one is pretty great!) This woman helped me unenmesh from my mother. She did not enable, but "walked beside me" throughout the journey. She guided me through my fears, my anger, my depression and my acceptance. She was brutally honest and helped me deal with my own BPD fleas. Today she listened as I talked about my situation (boyfriend, moving out, buying a house). I told her that I was worried that I was doing the black/white thinking and "running away" (which is usually what I do "flight and/or fawn" Again, she is brutally honest (and has met my boyfriend) and she was surprised by his "change of heart" and behaviors, but told me that I was right in believing that I am in an unhealthy relationship and that I needed to leave (for my own mental health). I was worried that she would not agree with me not telling my bf about the house, but instead told me that it was imperative that I didn't. The codependency part of me was relieved for this validation, but I soon realized that I was seeking permission too. Ironically I'm watching one of Lisa Romano's videos on my lunch break and she is talking about just that issue. we don't need permission (even if it feels like we do). Lesson learned, but again, it was such a relief, such a relief to be validated and heard.

Immediately after my session, I sent a text to my realtor and told him that I accepted the inspection ( I was holding off...just in case I needed an out) and "let's do this"

So I am turning a page..... I will keep you updated.

Spygirl · June 05, 2019, 04:58:53 PM

Just keep swimming
Just keep swimming......

bohemian butterfly · June 06, 2019, 08:55:34 AM

Quote from: Spygirl on June 05, 2019, 04:58:53 PM
Just keep swimming
Just keep swimming......

Thank you so much! I will take your advice and I won't reach for a life preserver, I can swim on my own just fine. Hey I see the land ahead!

I keep thinking about your post and say it in my head as a mantra; I will continue for the next 21 days.

bohemian butterfly · June 07, 2019, 01:38:41 PM

The stress is starting to get to me. This morning I woke up with hives, and my left eye and cheek was swollen. I stayed home from work and have taken antihistamines and Advil to decrease the swelling. My boyfriend has been outside, working with his 2 employees. It's raining and we're under a flood watch, so I went outside to relocate some young chickens that were getting wet. In the process, my boyfriend scolded me for leaving a chicken waterer out of the coop area. when I grey rocked he said, "sorry I'm being ornery" but the compassion is just gone. He picks and nitpicks about everything.

I went downstairs a few minutes ago and noticed that he only took his clothes out of the dryer and left mine in a heap (we usually take turns, but always take care of each other's laundry). Evidently it's my turn to be "punished" (a few days ago he "punished" his full time employee by making his do the grueling work).

18 days until I'm free.

Spygirl · June 07, 2019, 01:51:33 PM

You hang in there.

The best revenge is living well after.

sad_dog_mommy · June 07, 2019, 02:25:02 PM

For the next 18 days make sure you do whatever self-care you can while you keep your eyes fixed forward towards the future. Hot bath? Netflix binge? Massage? Hot tea? I bet you are already mentally decorating your new home. Think about paint colors and window treatments.

The 18 days will be over be over before you know it.

cant turn back · June 07, 2019, 06:00:41 PM

Don't be so hard on yourself BB. It is excruciating, all the untangling and undoing. Especially when the other person sees you pulling away, so they double their efforts to keep you in place. I like what you said before, take a step everyday, no matter how minute it might be. Purposeful, forward focused things so you don't get mired down, great advice. Keep focused on what will be your sanctuary in the future, your new life.
Like Sad Dog Mommy said, trust your gut. You know what is right for you, though we sometimes lose the words, or doubt ourselves.