for those of you whose ILs ruined your wedding, does it get easier?

[sharkey]

My two year anniversary is coming up. I want to love my wedding anniversary and celebrate my marriage to my husband but I'm really struggling.
I'm still filled with so much anger and resentment that my PD inlaws ruined my wedding. It wasn't just the wedding, it was the culmination of months of abuse while living with them. I think the wedding part is worse than all the other stuff they did because not only could FIL not behave for one important day but MIL subsequently made it about them and how this was their day too so FIL has a right to do whatever he wants! But I have a particular date that I attach to this event as opposed to just remembering that it happened and this day is supposed to be happy for me. And that date is approaching.

Instead I'm anticipating my anniversary with dread because remembering it and thinking about it just feels so painful.  I can't really figure out how to balance celebrating my marriage with my husband vs not thinking about this utter disappointment, hurt, and anger.  And I am starting to panic a little. I am worried that I'm never going to enjoy my wedding anniversary.  I had a lot of trouble with it last year, as well.

Really I'm looking for advice, help, resources or ideas to overcome this so I don't drag my husband down. I do want to get over this and enjoy the day but it's so incredibly hard. I've thought about renewing our vows on a different day, but right now the idea of doing that makes me feel even more resentful.

[Sidney37]

My uNPDm came close to ruining my wedding day.  She was uninvited 2 days before because of her antics.  My dad insisted that I let her come, as to not upset her and other relatives.  I was still in the FOG.    She managed to behave on the actual day, so my experience was different.  I will say that after almost 15 years, the actual day is much less important.  Maybe we're different, but we're so busy with life, work and kids that sometimes we actually forget the day and our anniversary is on a holiday weekend.  It's not like we don't know that we have a 3 day weekend and our anniversary is usualy on that weekend.  I don't want to downplay your anniversary, but it's possible that the actual date will become less important as the years go by? 

Could you take a fabulous vacation over your anniversary and look back on that rather than the wedding?    Create some fabulous new anniversary traditions?  Is there somewhere you've always wanted to go or something you really want to do?  If you can't afford it this year, plan it for an upcoming anniversary so you have something to look forward to?

[Call Me Cordelia]

I'm really sorry that your in-laws hijacked your wedding, and by extension your anniversary.  A lot of us relate.

For me, I prefer to celebrate where we are today and that we've arrived after x years together, and here's to many more years to come. We don't really reminisce about the wedding day. We watched our wedding video one time, so I could show DH that yes, uNF did in fact purposely trip me up coming down the aisle!

I also no longer display wedding photos with any PDs in them, just one of me and DH in our bedroom.

Something that also helped me this year was for our 10th anniversary, I gave myself a bit of a "redo" on the dress. I didn't buy a wedding gown, but a formal one that was much nicer than what uNM "allowed." Maybe you can make some new anniversary memories too, like Sidney suggested. I do think the wedding day becomes less important as you build your marriage over time, but it's still a loss. Who doesn't want to have a wonderful wedding? But the best revenge is to have a wonderful marriage I think!

[Nomoreblind]

Hi I am sorry you feel that way about your wedding anniversary.  I think it is unfortunately common here that pd in laws make the wedding of their offspring all about them.  I am one of them as well.

I find that celebrating our first date with my husband, where no in laws were involved brings happier memories than my wedding day.  We celebrated our 10th year in Venice this year and did not tell a thing to in laws.  I did not feel any anxiety or sadness, because the beginning of our story belonged just to the two of us.  Maybe that could be an alternative way to celebrate for you?  That's what helps me get over the sadness of my wedding day/week which was when I met MIL for the first time.  That whole week was all about her.  I was not even in the car with my husband after the wedding ceremony.  She and SIL were in the same car as H.

Being in the FOG meant you don't notice the huge disfunction at first.  However, once you get Out of the FOG I think the biggest work and most difficult one is not letting PDs be taking all the space in our heads rent free.  Create new occasions to celebrate   your relationship with H.  The wedding day is an important date in someone's life, however, it is the little things you do for each other everyday that builds the relationship.   As time goes  by the sadness about that day does reduce a bit, but the relationship with PD in laws do not get better sadly.  We change and notice disfunction, they don't change and they think we bring in balance  in their original family dynamics.  Which we so,  as we do not obey blindly to their manipulations.   I am still on the path of being happy with the fact that I am allowed to say no to things that do not bring me joy, even if it means I will not always be a people pleaser.