Projection of mental illness

Started by Stepping lightly, June 05, 2019, 02:50:43 PM

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Stepping lightly

Not really a question, but more of a vent.  BM has always been projecting her mental illness on those around her.  She chooses different issues for each person, but everyone falls into a mental issue/illness category; sociopath, bio-polar, OCD, depression, anxiety disorder etc etc etc. I am the scared victim of domestic abuse that I am too dumb to notice.  :stars:

Interestingly, when the kids were younger and the custody climate was heating up quite alarmingly, DH insisted that the kids go to therapy.  BM always insisted that he was "trying to prove there were issues with the kids were there were none" (except a horrible custody situation).  But now (years later), she has full control over therapy, and I feel like that is exactly what's she's doing.  She works in the mental health field herself, so she feels she has the narcissistic authority to diagnose everyone around her.  She has the kids seeing a therapist, who sadly is the worst therapist EVER (has told us that she thinks BM emotionally abuses the kids but won't stand up for them, but continues to "treat" them). 

So DSD comes back last weekend and is listing off all of her mental challenges; OCD, axiety, depression, aphantasia (that was a new one for me), and obsessive thougths about harming herself (but it's different from suicidal apparently).  She doesn't exhibit any of the issues associated with these conditions when she is around us with the exception of anxiety if BM is involved.  It really concerns me because I feel like BM WANTS her to have these issues, and constantly reinforces that DSD has them.   I'm sure DSD gets attention from BM if she agrees/shows signs of the issues, which the horribly T is not nearly sharp enough to figure out.  DSD is not on medication, but the T did threaten that she would need to put her on medication if she didn't get it under control.  There is so much wrong with that statement, increase her anxiety about her anxiety after you have done nothing to help her with the emotional abuse you "see", but ignore.  Lovely.

I had posted about a year and a half ago about BM forcing a mental illness diagnosis on DSS when he was 10, that is completely not accurate, and was solely based on her input to the Dr.   So he'll be strapped with a false mental illness diagnosis for the rest of his life and there was nothing we could do to stop it- and we did try (and we asked the T to intervene since it was being done through a psychiatrist, and she said she'd "get back to me" and never did).

Anyway- just makes me sad- fingers crossed all of this doesn't stick to them forever.  I have higher hopes for DSS, BM pushing him through that diagnosis was a wake up call to him, and I think she broke his trust for good.  DSD is so desperate for BM's attention, she will keep going along with it :-(


Penny Lane

There must be something in the water this month because I just posted a vent too!

This is all very scary and I'm sorry you're watching it unfold. I'm REALLY sorry that the T seems to be actively making the situation worse.

It's just not fair! These kids deserve better!

If it makes you feel any better (and this is not super comforting) I don't think a diagnosis would necessarily follow them into adulthood. None of my doctors have my childhood files. I know because at one point I had to figure out if I'd ever gotten a specific vaccine and the regulations were different in the state where I grew up so it caused a sort of debacle. But the not comforting part of that is that the projection will continue into adulthood in their brains even if the diagnoses doesn't follow them to their doctors office.

Hang in there, this is soooo hard to watch and the kids really need you to be a stable reasonable adult in their lives.

Whiteheron

I can relate. My stbx does this to DD15. It started a few years ago. DS goes along with it because when he describes his "symptoms" he has his dad's complete and undivided attention, which he has been craving for years. DS sometimes tries it with me when he wants my attention. He gets upset when I don't give him extra attention or buy into it (I'm not playing these games).

It's very frustrating, I can see exactly what's going on. I believe DS has told his T about it, but I'm not 100% certain.

DS made an offhand comment the other week about how his dad has diagnosed him with 3 separate mental illnesses. I was floored. I had suspected, but deep down I was hoping stbx had the capacity to not harm our son like this. I was wrong.

I am so very frustrated because no one can/will do anything about this. The T knows what I've told her (DD's T knows about this as well, because DD brought it up in her session), my L knows, the GAL knows, the judge probably knows. And no one can do a damn thing to make it stop because there is "no proof." Even if there were proof, I doubt anyone would do anything anyways.

I do my best to reassure DS that he is not mentally ill, and that the things he is going through are normal hormonal/teenage issues/thoughts/feelings. DS seems to agree and told me that a lot of his symptoms seem to fit PTSD rather than any diagnosis his dad comes up with.

I feel like I'm screaming into the wind for all the good it does. All I can do is constantly reassure DS that he is not mentally ill and give him extra positive attention. I constantly worry it's not enough. I mean, I can't imagine how it feels to have a parent tell you there is something wrong with you that has no cure and makes you different from everyone else.  :-\ I just want to go up to stbx and scream at him "how dare you?! (among other things  ;))
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

Stepping lightly

Hello!

Thanks PL- It would make me feel better about the diagnosis, if BM wouldn't take every opportunity to document it.  She just loves the medical stuff (can you say Munchhausen by proxy?) and has control of listing all their issues for every school, camp, activity.  She even called the police on DSS after she rammed the DX through and told the police, so it's listed in the police report.  She wants to make sure it sticks, she went to great lengths to get it after all.  The good things, I don't think DSS buys it, and calling the police seems to have opened his eyes to her behaviors.

Whiteheron- sorry you are dealing with the same thing.  It sounds like the PD parents are reinforcing these symptoms in a similar manner, positive reinforcement for issues.  Poor DSS did the same thing with physical symptoms for awhile,  it was so bad that every time he moved he "ouched".  We can't outright tell them there is nothing wrong with them, because then we'd be "disagreeing with a doctor/therapist" and that would be hell to deal with.  I just say, "I just don't see it", but DSS wants to have these issues for the attention they get her.  It is horrifying, nobody will stop it on our end either- nobody wants to stand up for the kids....especially against a raging narcissist. 


Whiteheron

(That's supposed to say DS15, not DD15)

Big difference seems to be that my stbx works from the inside - I'm not certain he'd tell any professionals that DS is mentally ill. He did tell his L, in an attempt to prove this is why he should have more custody time - because he can relate to what DS is going through and I can't. Thankfully, stbx doesn't speak with DS's T at all and he rarely takes DS to his regular doc appts.

I can't believe BM went so far as to involve the police. She must really be craving the attention and sympathy this is giving her. I hope DSS realizes he's not the one with the problem. Although it's really hard for them when they hear it from someone they love. I use the excuse of hormones or stress a lot to explain away most of the 'symptoms' DS comes up with. He gets annoyed with me, but from some offhand comments he's made, I think he's listening.

Hang in there and keep telling DSS that as far as you're concerned, he acts like a normal (age) year old.
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

Stepping lightly

We couldn't believe the police situation either.  From what we could gather, BM intentionally made DSS angry on the way home from school (the day he was returning from our home of course) by accusing him of something he didn't do.  It appears BM prodded DSS  emotionally and told him that if he didn't calm down she was going to call the police (which they have made the kids terrified of, they call police terrorists) and they will take him to the hospital and drug him.  Then her BF got involved (once they were home) and started physically pushing DSS around while BM called the police.  DSS of course didn't report ANY of this to the police, even though he insists he did. 

Our assumption- BM wanted to show how unstable DSS is when he returns from our house (even though there was a full day of school in between, she reported to the police he was coming directly from our house) and that although we contradicted her reports of his behaviors, she got them documented by the police. 

It's so heartbreaking.  She reported horrible things to the Psychiatrist about DSS, like him threatening her with violence.  When I say we don't see those behaviors, I mean....DSS doesn't even speak back to us- he is an awesome kid, the kid that the teachers say "I wish I had a classroom full of him".  He ges up before us in the morning and voluntarily empties the dishwasher and puts the dishes away.  He consistently asks us, "What can I do to help?". Both DSD and DSS- amazing kids.  So, if her report IS true- I can't even bring myself to think about what type of situation she pushed him into to make him say those things.  But- nobody wants to address that piece- nobody.

I was so relieved one day when DSD was harping on DSS about his behavior, and he walked away and looked at me and rolled his eyes and said, "it's because they think I'm "mentally ill""- he did the air quotes...and the way he said it...I knew he didn't believe it...and I said, "yeah- don't see that AT ALL"

athene1399

SL,

I wonder if there's a way to be supportive of DSD without buying into the Dx, but in a way that doesn't give her more attention (and reward her for following BM's Dx blindly). Like not in a "Poor you for having these sicknesses" but in a "let's learn to navigate and work through these together to improve your life and decrease your symptoms."

Ignoring the aphantasia Dx (I'm not even sure that matters per se. I googled it and it looks like maybe that would affect her in school? I really am not familiar with that), the rest are generally connected. We can probably agree that the anxiety, depression, OCD (which is usually anxiety driven, the behavior can be a compulsion to help the person feel more in control), and the urge to self-harm (another act that can be used to feel more in control- depending on the person or situation) are related to the stress she experiences at BM's IMO. I'm generalizing and making assumptions as I do not know DSD or the entire situation (also, not really an expert, but I hope some of this helps). BM probably eats it up (if she's anything like our BM) because she can get sympathy for having a child with problems. And as you suggested, DSD possibly uses this as her way to fit in at BM's.

It sounds like you have a very supportive environment at home. I'm sure that helps DSD a lot.  Especially since you said you guys hardly notice these symptoms when she is with you. I'm sure there's a reason for that. Is there a way you can support her when she's at BM's? Like if her anxiety gets too bad there, can she call you? If not, maybe try to help her with mindfulness and breathing exercises. Sometimes that helps bring the person back from anxiety and focus more on living in the moment. Maybe ask her what helps her feel less anxious and help her cultivate that on her own so she can practice it when she not with you. If she learns healthy ways to work through the anxiety and depression, the other symptoms should decrease as well (if she has any of them). Hopefully one day she will have a better T who helps her work through her childhood trauma instead of just saying "oh well...".  :mad:

But I also think that DSS going through something similar and more dramatic has helped him (which I feel terrible saying as it sounded awful!), so maybe he can support DSD as she works through this. It sounds like DSS doesn't want to believe BM's false narrative. I think that's very good news. Hopefully one day DSD will figure it out as well. And I learned that you can either use your Dx as an excuse to act however or as a guidance tool to work through your trauma. I hope DSD learns the latter as well. :)

Stepping lightly

Hi Athene,

I really appreciate the thought you have put into your response!

BM unfortunately has made a lot of our options....not options.  DSD calls BM when she is anxious, unable to identify that BM is the actual root of her anxiety issues to start with.  They are simply not allowed to call us, especially not if they are in crisis, BM has made that clear to them!  DSD actually believe that when she is in crisis, BM is the only one that can calm her down.  I believe, again, that's because the anxiety stems from BM, so only BM can make it go away.

Technically, according the order, DSD and DSS shouldn't know about each other's "mental illness".  Beyond that, DSD "likes" her issues and wouldn't want a solution to them.  To me, that's the crux of the problem.  She gets much wanted attention from BM, so if she can exacerbate her own problems and get more attention...she will.  We wouldn't want to involve DSS, even if it wasn't against the order, because he is surviving by laying low and he does not want to bring attention to himself if he can help it.  It's all very messed up!  they are on opposite sides of the issue...because one is a golden child and one is a scape goat.

I do try to bring the rational mindset into the conversation with DSD.  Give her tools to manage situations, help her understand that we all have anxiety to some degree and that a certain amount of anxiety is NORMAL!  She's 13 and in middle school, it makes me anxious just remembering middle school, much less going there everyday :-).

There has always been an exacerbation of any physical or mental situations BM can cling to.  DSD has a birth defect with a barely noticeable hearing deficiency.  BM has taught her how to be a victim.  We take opportunities where we can to applaud the opposite when we see it- people with severe disabilities that excel in what they do.  I have a remote family member who has a severe disability due to a genetic disorder that should have left him as a vegetable/dead.  He certainly has noticeable challenges, but it amazes me how he has overcome everything and he is just about the happiest person you could meet, full of joy.  Most of his success is due to his mother not being a victim either and working with her son to give him the best chance in life.  We talked about him quite a bit with the kids and explained, "XX has every reason to be depressed or angry, but he has chosen happiness.  He overcomes his challenges with a lot of hard work and has not acted like a victim of them.  We are so lucky to be healthy, and he is certainly a great reminder to how blessed we are".  blahblahblah.   

athene1399

I should have guessed that BM had already bricked you guys into a corner. It's probably one of those situations where's she's trying to make DSD rely solely on her and these Dx are a part of that plan. That is really sucky. :( But it sounds like you know how to point out good role models to show DSD how they make the best of the cards they are dealt and refuse to play the victim. I hope this slowly sinks in with DSD. And as you said, anxiety and middle/high school go hand-in-hand. It is a very anxiety provoking time of life.

I feel bad for both DSD and DSS with the environment at BM's, but luckily they have you and DH. :) We have to keep in mind that part of how they act after coming back from a PDs is their "survival mode" behaviors. They learn what they have to do to survive and we just do our best to give them the tools to be resilient and hopefully well-adjusted later in life. It just gets so frustrating sometimes! Especially when we can see the cause of their issues but can't do much about it. You are right, the whole thing is totally messed up.

Penny Lane

Quote from: Stepping lightly on June 11, 2019, 03:35:48 PM
DSD calls BM when she is anxious, unable to identify that BM is the actual root of her anxiety issues to start with. 

Oh god that is awful. I think you're totally right - BM creates the anxiety, BM can take it away. How sad all around.

As you know we've had an especially rough time lately and recently BM called unexpectedly and you could SEE the kids getting stressed and anxious. And they got in a huge fight during/after the call that seemed to directly stem from the anxiety. Just 10 minutes with BM almost undid an entire day of deescalation at our house. Calls with BM, as far as I'm concerned, are NOT a way to relieve any anxiety at all.

They are so lucky to have you to model healthy behavior.