Is this just me? I don't know but my heart aches...

Lilyloo · June 06, 2019, 03:48:12 AM

My brother died. He was 61. Long battle with cancer. He and I grew up surrounded by 15 cousins. We shared our childhood with them. We grew up living the country life. We played every Sunday with cousins. We were either at their homes or they at ours. Picnics, playing softball, swimming in the river, etc, just a very simple but peaceful life. I loved them.

I always knew 100% that when the first one of us died, (My brother was the first to pass away.) that the others would be there for support, to honor his life. As I sat at the burial in a chair behind my brothers coffin, I looked up to search the people for my cousins faces. I wanted to hug them. Not one of them came. Not at the viewing, nor the funeral. I recieved no cards, no phone calls, no messages.

15 cousins who could not show any care. My heart broke even more. I could not and still cannot process it. Three of them live a few hours away, which I understand is more difficult to make the trip,but the rest of them within an hour, some only 30 minutes from where my brothers services took place.

Even during his 18 month battle with cancer none of them visited him. He was a great guy deserving of more than he got. I wonder if I believe in people to much, or is this just a self absorbed world with selfish people who do selfish things

I heard a few excuses from others. One had to mow the church yard, one had an appointment, etc etc. We had a family night and the funeral service. To busy, to busy to show respect

They are planning a reunion now....how nice! Time for that but not time to say the final goodbye

Call Me Cordelia · June 06, 2019, 05:08:14 AM

I'm so so sorry, LindaLoo. I can hear how much that hurts. You're grieving your brother you loved, of course, but your cousins' selfish behavior adds more layers to the grief. The post-funeral reunion really takes the cake. I hope you don't feel obligated to go and act happy to see them all. Ignoring your brother's death understandably really hurt you!

I think most of us here relate to the disappointment of counting on family and having them fail to show up, in a variety of circumstances of course. The underlying experience of being betrayed by the very people who would normally bring our main support, and then them acting like nothing is wrong, or the problem is us, is why we end up here.

You said something about this being a selfish world. I relate to that feeling. It's hard to accept that there is a world full of good and caring people, when I've had primarily the opposite experience throughout my formative years. When the people who are supposed to care don't, why would I hope for the rest of them? It's a tough world and I've got to make it on my own. I've come to believe that that's not the truth, and I'm making excuses or minimizing the hurt from my family members. If the whole world is selfish, they aren't so black in comparison. But no. The world is indeed full of good and caring people. I had the misfortune of being raised by some who were not. They really were that bad. It's been a journey to accept that, and then I think I'm struggling just as much to accept that most people are nothing like my uNfamily. The problem isn't your faith in humanity. The problem is with those who don't appreciate the gifts they have in you and your brother.

TriedTooHard · June 06, 2019, 05:18:45 AM

I'm really sorry LindaLoo. I hope you can find some solace in the good memories of your brother. You are dealing with losses on many levels.

Regarding your cousins, this is somewhat similar to my own FOO. I don't mean to cast a shadow over the good times you had with cousins, but perhaps there were signs there all along that you and they weren't aware of. I found later in life that many of my aunts and uncles are just as damaged as my own parents, but somehow, I didn't notice it until later in life. I didn't want to believe this because I was uncomfortable with finding a problem with yet another family member. I thought I was the common denominator - statistically speaking, how can the problem be with all of them and not me? Well, I didn't know about dysfunctional family systems back then and how the cycles of abuse affect many generations unless someone is brave enough to end the cycle. I can only imagine what life was like for my cousins. I'm not making excuses for any of them, that is terrible what happened with your brother's services and I too hope you don't feel obligated to go to that reunion.

Lilyloo · June 06, 2019, 06:25:09 AM

Call Me Cordelia, Thank you so much! I agree the world is full of good people. I can't lose hope in the goodness of people I was i raised in a very dysfunctional family also. I am so sorry for all you have gone through with your family

I was conditioned to believe I had to be the healer, the caretaker, and the person who did all the right things, and I did that my whole life until the fog lifted! This reunion I will not go to! I won't pretend!

You are right, it's the reason we end of here. It's the expectations that those who are family are supposed to love us let us down, whether it's a parent or other family members. Again, Thank you so much, your reply was so very helpful! Just the words I need to hear. Bless you

TriedTooHard, Thank you so much! They do have dysfunction. Some of it very troubling. They put on acts when I have been to funerals for their parents, and various family members. I know the issues, but it didn't stop me from honoring the lives of their family who passed away. I read a quote that we will be very disappointed if we believe everyone will do for us as we do for them, and not everyone has the same heart as we do. How very true is that quote!! It's terribly sad to accept that

I must toughen up because it's a harsh world. Thank you again so much! Bless you

Lilyloo · June 07, 2019, 03:46:58 AM

Thank you, you two very wonderful people who replied. We all need to be heard and feel like we are worth something. I will remember how you helped me. May life be kind and peaceful for you both

SunnyMeadow · June 08, 2019, 10:33:55 AM

I'm so sorry LindaLoo. Many hugs and understanding. My older brother passed too and I know how hard it is. It's a shock to the system and things just don't feel right.

As far as your cousins, what on earth?? Out of 15 not one of them came to his service, wrote a card, a call?? I'm shocked and sad for you. You are heard here and you are most definitely worth something.

I don't normally read this part of the forum so I'm sorry I didn't reply before now.

Lilyloo · June 11, 2019, 03:17:44 AM

Dear SunnyMeadow,

Thank you so much. I am so sorry for your loss. I think it changes us forever. Siblings are our first friends. It surely doesn't feel right. Bless you and I appreciate your kindness

Lilyloo · July 01, 2019, 10:59:09 AM

I brought this back up because there are actually family members who think I am the bad one for being hurt by those 15 cousins who did nothing regarding my brothers death. I tried to discuss it with a relative that did show up(not a cousin) and she refuses to even talk to me about it. Loyalty to family who went to every family funeral but not my brothers?? Is that her reason.

Somethings just so not right with this. It could be that shes the one planning the REUNION and I told her point blank h*** no I wont be coming, but she wouldn't discuss it even before that! I am so confused with peoples behavior! I have listened to this specific relatives every hurt, woe, and gripe, but I get nothing. I poured my heart out to her about how it hurt me. NOTHING!!

Best maybe to just stay away from everyone

Summer Sun · July 02, 2019, 04:23:51 AM

Lindaloo, I am so sorry for your loss. As well, the loss of support from your cousins! What a let down. Your disappointment and hurt is so understandable.

I too have lost a sibling, an empty hole in my world. Recently a cousin passed away, i would have attended the service but it was two states away and there were previously booked medical for DH.

It sounds like something is really off that none of 15 of your cousins came. And now you are the bad guy? Is this vilifying the victim? The relative that did show, that you've been there for, the relationship sounds somewhat one-sided?

Is there any possibility you have been designated the role of Extended family SG? I ask because I am.

Please surround yourself with supportive individuals, and self care during the grieving process. Perhaps a grief support group could help with processing too and fill the gap where family should be?

Summer Sun

TriedTooHard · July 02, 2019, 04:59:36 AM

I agree it somehow seems that you're now in the SG role.

Its extended family like this that keeps me active in this forum. All the while the folks who contributed to this mess are experiencing their elder years supposedly in complete ignorance of all this.

Not sure what it is that causes you to be cast in this role. As we all know, when we are children, it could be something random, like birth order or whatever else is going on in the uPD's mind that we can't read. Or it could be some key positive trait about you that upsets them. With my extended family (aging aunts, uncles, and cousins), the dynamic seems to be that most of them spent a life time of "keeping up appearances" and forming the "perfect" lives, while I and a smattering of siblings and cousins don't care about that outwardly stuff.

Call Me Cordelia · July 02, 2019, 05:10:50 AM

In this case it could simply be that LindaLoo is rocking the boat. Dysfunctional people can't stand to experience consequences for their actions. And there are 15 cousins against her. It's definitely easier for the one planning this reunion to invalidate Linda and cling to what has been the status quo than take her side against so many. Maybe self-preservation for her even. Doesn't make it okay, but it's hard to survive in a dysfunctional family and the most normal ones tend to become scapegoats to keep them upholding the dysfunction. If what the scapegoat says is accepted in any meaningful way, in my experience the whole house of cards comes crashing down. Your speaking your truth and your true feelings are a THREAT.

TriedTooHard · July 02, 2019, 06:41:40 AM

Call Me Cordelia

I forgot to add in my prior response, don't be surprised by the extreme hypocrisy.

One of their own is a drug addict: "its inherited, lets pray for them." One of your's has cancer and has trouble getting off the pain meds: "I'm not compromising my principles and I won't be around that loser."

One of your's has an unplanned pregnancy: "kids are brats, and it won't be raised properly in my religion, so stay away." One of theirs has an unplanned pregnancy by an affair while married to someone else, "lets run to our pastor for support, and start the gift registry so they can pay me back for all the gifts I gave."

These are true stories and I could go on and on! Sorry if I hi-jacked your thread.

Lilyloo · July 02, 2019, 07:54:03 AM

I can't even explain how full my heart is that all of you are helping me through this! My gosh the love I never felt I feel here. Can you be my family

Call Me Cordelia, no you didn't high jack. I am so open to any discussion. You are so right, I am rocking the boat! I am a threat! I am the SG! It is an extremely dysfunctional family and because I see the truth and speak it, I will also be the bad guy. I just could not believe they had the nerve to even plan a reunion

My other relative said to me "this will be the last one, you know" I find myself thinking everyone are N's. It;s sad that I think that way. Thank you so much!

TriedTooHard, Me too! I am on this forum to try to understand. I think and feel deeply and that is my downfall. Yes, keeping up appearances is perfect! SG I am! Siblings stand by mother who is so much an N. They ignore, they are in denial. Oh they say "she is our mother" or others say ''it's just old age" Nooooo...........I saw it as a child, just didn't know what to do about it. Now all the other dysfunctional relatives. As far as birth order I am the only daughter and the oldest.I was bound to be their SG Thank you so much!

SummerSun, I am so sorry for the loss of your sibling.

Nothing ever fills that void. I read a lot after he died about sibling grief. It gets ignored, people tend to show compassion for the parent. Siblings are our very first friend! We will always keep them tucked inside our hearts, and never forget the role they had in our lives. I totally understand when relatives live so far away. I understand how you could not attend. I myself could not get to an uncles funeral who was 8 hours away. I had 3 cousins who were that far away. All the others only 30 minutes to an hour away. They did not reach out in any way to me. No simple card, message, nothing! This is what hurt so bad. Thank you so much and SG is absolutely true!

Lindaloo was and is always expected to step it up! It's ok for mother to not visit me but I get bashed for not visiting her. Its ok for her to go to any event at my brothers house, but she wont come here. My Christmas invite got turned down. So yes SG I am. I think I'm partly to blame as I allowed it for so long. I am going to get bashed so badly for not going to this reunion.

Oh and here's a few excuses they gave, the ones who are close by. One had to mow the church yard, one had a sore shoulder, this type of excuse. My husband went to be a pallbearer for my cousins husband who he hardly knew. We visit, we attend their parents funerals, and others.

I would have been totally ok if a card, a message on FB, but they did nothing! I stand up for my deceased brother, he lived, he meant something, he deserved better than he got.

Bless all of you

Lilyloo · July 04, 2019, 07:47:06 AM

Forgot if I added that my relative said to me. a few days ago..... "now you know this may be the last reunion" and 25 years ago while she was planning that same reunion, I had a planned trip to the beach with my hubby and children. She called me and said "shame on you" because I wasn't coming. Stupid me cut our beach trip one day short and came back for the reunion. now 25 years later and not the doormat. I refuse to go. I guess I feel I've grown but what she recently said really ticked me off!