Advice for living with verbal and emotional abuse?

[Consumed]

DH has what I believe to be fleas picked up primarily from his uNPDF. This amongst other things is mainly in the form of verbal abuse such as swearing, name calling, put downs, aggressive behaviour etc. There is also a lot of withdrawing when he is unhappy, and giving the silent treatment. I believe both his father and brother treat their wives similarly so I think he just perceives this behaviour to be the norm. I've communicated how hurtful this is and how it chips away at our marriage. In times when he is calm he recognises he does have a problem. But at other times he will downplay it and say he is not bad at all, I am making a mountain out of a molehill, and one common theme is how it is all my fault because I antagonise him and bring out the worst in him and he wishes he never married me.

He is not very self aware, and has some real unhealthy behaviours. I do not want to leave him so as absurd as it sounds, I am looking at how to ultimately live with this. Helpful stuff so far has been to leave the room when this occurs, to not engage and retaliate, to let it go in one ear and out the other, to not take it personally as I know the issue lies with him, and I am also trying to work on radical acceptance of who he is as a person and loving him regardless, although this is easier said than done. I also think its probably in my best interest to keep myself busy and try to spend as little time with him as possible.

I just wondered for those who experience or have experienced something similar, do you have any advice or tips or care to share your experience?

[notrightinthehead]

Radical acceptance in the sense that you do not try to change him seems a wise choice. I don't think it means you have to love him for the abuse like name calling, silent treatment, or blaming you for his abusive behaviour. To tell you that he wishes he had never married you appears outright cruel to me.
Have your read the Toolbox? Medium chill and grey rock are valuable strategies. Read about boundaries and JADE too.

[Whiteheron]

I second the Medium Chill and Grey Rock. What really helped when my stbxuPDh was really bad, was to envision a wall around myself. My fortress. His words would just bounce off - I refused to let them in. It really helped me feel better about myself to not take his words to heart - to tell myself that he was just being a *difficult person* and that I hadn't done anything to cause him to act that way. I also stopped reacting to what he called me or said to try to provoke me. That took a lot of the wind out of his sails.

By the way, fleas or no fleas, you don't deserve it.

[not broken]

Hi Consumed,
I am sorry you are living with this- I can empathize with how much the themed conversations and harsh words can hurt.  I don't know how log you have been married, or how long this has been going on in your relationship...some thoughts regarding things you have said stand out to me very clearly:

"what I believe to be fleas......he just perceives this behavior to be the norm"- What I hear in your post is that he believes this to be the norm, rather than his perception. I say this because although it may seem like semantics, there is a real difference.  It is a very different thing for someone to change their perception than it is to change their belief.
"In times when he is calm he recognizes he does have a problem. But at other times he will downplay it and say he is not bad at all,..." - This is common with verbal abuse and NPD.  If he concedes that he has a problem when he is calm, I would suspect that the stakes are not high in that moment.  Everyone who is emotionally and verbally abusive throws us a bone every now and again to keep the emotionally abusive cycle active. Maybe think about what is happening when he recognizes this.
"He is not very self aware, and has some real unhealthy behaviours...."- Please forgive my directness, as I have also said this sentence thousands of times.  I believe this to be a common excuse that we use to minimize, deny or make sense of their cruelty and behavior that I suspect almost all of us have used at some point.  It is reasonable because how could we possibly think someone we love, are in love with, or really anyone could treat us this way?

"I am also trying to work on radical acceptance of who he is as a person and loving him regardless..."- I have lived in denial for so many years on this exact premise.  It has been my experience that at some point, accepting him regardless of who he is and his behavior, means you will ultimately have to give up the worth of who you are.  I would ask yourself at what cost to you/your family are you willing to tolerate "regardless"?

Finally, notrightinthehead is spot on. You cannot change him- not his behavior, actions, beliefs nor his emotions.  You can only control your behaviors, actions and regulate your own emotions.  Don't try to control or avoid your emotions- feel them- they are real. It's the regulation of them that is important when using the tool box strategies.  Sending hugs. You deserve to be treated with love and kindness; not name calling, demeaning, devaluing, aggression, etc. 

[ThatFishguy]

Hi Consumed
One word of advice is to avoid "normalizing" the kind of behavior you described. Certainly there are ways to minimize the effect it has on you. In my experience though, it led to even more outrageous verbal and physical abuse. To my BPD spouse, my self control was interpreted as not being sufficiently punished. I don't want you to have that happen to you. Boundries can help. Best wishes. -Thatfishguy

[capybara]

This sounds so difficult and I am sorry to hear you are living with it. I do think emotional abusers find ways to separate people from what keeps them strong. So if it's discouraging you from exercising, or following your faith, or seeing your friends, or succeeding at work... Whatever it is, they find ways to undermine.

I think it's especially important to keep in touch with your friends and whoever is supportive in your FOO. Even if you don't want to, or can't talk to them about everything you are going through, it is a lifeline to know other people love you.

I would also keep some financial independence, whether that is keeping your job and/or hiding some cash somewhere. Knowing you are not totally financially helpless makes a big difference.

[StayWithMe]

Read the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans.