How to respond

[losingmyself]

I am new here, I don't know how to abbreviate the last 10 years, so hopefully I can just get ideas on how to respond to my h's comments. I don't know if he's got a personality disorder, but he checks off most of the boxes in common behaviors, and I have known for a long time that something is just not right with the way he thinks. So, knowing that, normal responses don't work on him, like "hey, that thing you said hurt me/us."  To my topic, he has developed a hatred for my 16yo daughter, because people are either good or bad. I don't respond when he says crappy things about her, because I don't want to encourage the conversation. What could I say? Defending her invites anger, escalation of his feelings. Thanks for any ideas

[11JB68]

In addition to getting specific/examples from others here, check out the tool box - for me medium chill, not JADEing and some minor version of gray rock have helped tremendously.

[GentleSoul]

Using the Medium Chill technique has helped me with my uPD husband too.  I will link below.

It has transformed our home into peace and quiet.

My husband sees things in "black and white" too, so people are either good or bad. 

[GentleSoul]

Medium Chill

https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/medium-chill

[losingmyself]

Thank you. I have reduced the tension greatly in our home using the toolbox here. I just didn't know if my lack of response was a sign of agreement. Once, he tried to convince me that she's a narcissist, and wanted me to read an article he found. I wouldn't look at it, and I said shortly,"I'm not reading that" I think he was a little shocked. I see his projection now all the time. She just happens to be his target this month...

[capybara]

One of our kids got scapegoated a lot, and I just try not to JADE if/when it starts. I also try to let my kid vent to me privately without getting drawn into the disagreement, and I do my best to support my kid in setting his own boundaries. They went to family counseling together and that did seem to help.

[losingmyself]

We went to family counseling one time. The therapist was against him, and the kids lied... He still brings it up. Didn't help at all. He tells me conversations that he's made up in his head that my daughter and I have. It drives him crazy that we work together, and he can't over see our conversations. At home, he comes and stands in the room that we're in so he can hear us.  He truly believes these things he's made up. He also truly believes that he can read my mind... (ohhh, if only he could)  The thing is, I feel very much like I'm betraying him by talking here. This is very uncomfortable for me. But I appreciate it so much, and hopefully it will help me to talk to someone in person. I feel guilty, though. My children are his step kids, and he is very jealous of them, because I belong to him. He has always tried to alienate me from them, and he has almost succeeded. I know that they love me, but I am a huge disappointment to them. And the guilt and grief I feel for losing all this time with them is overwhelming sometimes.

[Whiteheron]

I'm so sorry for what you and your children are going through.

I can completely relate:

He tells me conversations that he's made up in his head that my daughter and I have. It drives him crazy that we work together, and he can't over see our conversations. At home, he comes and stands in the room that we're in so he can hear us.  He truly believes these things he's made up. He also truly believes that he can read my mind... (ohhh, if only he could)  The thing is, I feel very much like I'm betraying him by talking here. This is very uncomfortable for me.

My stbx insisted DS and I were conspiring against him. He was so angry that DS and I have a close relationship. He's tried everything to get DS (and DD) to 'like him more'. It's insane. He *needs* me to be isolated from the kids, even now that we're separated. He *needs* me to be isolated from the world. Again, even now. He's tried to isolate me from my friends by trying to tie them to his business in some way or by adding them to his witness list for court. He firmly believes they will turn against me and be on his side.

stbx would spy on DS and I. He would stand close and listen in, accusing us of conversing about him, demanding to know exactly what we spoke about. My stbx also believes what he's made up in his mind. It's insane.

When I first joined the board I also felt like I was betraying stbx. I had been told repeatedly over our 20 years together that I was not to talk about him to anyone, ever. It took me quite a while to start opening up here and revealing some of the things I'd been through. It does get easier with time. I was so afraid he would find out my user name and read everything I'd written. I'm not concerned today. If he found out, well, happy reading to him. It's my story, it's my truth. I stand by every word.

He doesn't like your DD? Too bad. Any insults start, get up and leave the room. Give no visible reaction. Ignore. He will try harder, he will try different ways to get you riled up, but hold firm - Medium chill and grey rock are your friends. It takes a lot of practice and patience to get it right, but it's well worth it. Your kids will see you not giving into his childish taunts and insults. They will see you being strong. For them. Hang in there.

[1footouttadefog]

Proceed with caution.  It seems like an abusive dynamic exists between your husband and your daughter. 

I agree with others that the toolbox is the place to start.  I always encourage everyone to print out the 100traits list and Mark it for you and him and note if it's habitual or occasional offences.

This gives great insight on paper and it's hard to deny or gloss over or ignore the truth.  It helped me a lot.