Apology?

[Peaceforme]

Nmil and hubs have been going back and forth for months. I went nc with her last summer hoping to stop the cycle of triangulation and manipulation and hoping that it would help hubby to see more clearly what the best next step should be.
Long story short, he has been vvvlc for a while and was considering going completely nc because she is just so difficult to deal with.
Then this happens.
She sends a super long, bizarre, apology email to me and copies my husband. She says she's so sorry, thinks I'm the best mother, couldn't have chosen a better spouse for her son, hates that this has happened, life is too short, etc.
Husband thinks this is just the best email ever and is so happy that she has acknowledged that she was wrong, reinstates visits with all of us, and is now talking about the kids going to spend the night with her alone!!!

I just don't understand how we went from borderline no contact to this in the span of three weeks.
Has anyone ever gotten an apology/flattery from a narc? Is it just a manipulation? Help! 

[bloomie]

Peaceforme - I am an adult child of a uBPD/NPD mother and for many years hope was not my friend. When my mother would have a spell of normalcy and stable behaviors and seemed to see how destructive she had been I would hope and I would unwisely sweep open the door to my life to her without requiring changed behavior over time that demonstrated trustworthiness. I guess what I am saying is I understand what your DH may be feeling when he reads this email and the hope he still holds that she is sincere and will/has changed.

Honestly, no one can know if she is manipulating or flattering you and the only way I know how to test the authentic sincerity of this kind of thing is consistently changed behavior over time that honors boundaries, is humble and accepts baby steps forward to reconnection and reconciliation.

Is there a compromise you and your DH can find and way to step way back on testing the waters with a tiny toe instead of taking a big flying leap back into full contact?

[Peaceforme]

Bloomie, thanks for this. I do think he is hopeful and I also think he worries about total estrangement as she gets older and needs help from him and his narc brother who currently swindles her money from her.
I did something that I never do regarding our kids and put my foot down. I told him the kids and I were happy to spend time with her as long as he is with us but that, under no circumstances, would they spend time alone with her. He accepted that I was concerned for them and agreed to move forward that way, re-evaluating every few months.
I just don't know... They literally had a terrible fight where she said awful things to him like a week before the email. 🙄

[bloomie]

Bloomie, thanks for this. I do think he is hopeful and I also think he worries about total estrangement as she gets older and needs help from him and his narc brother who currently swindles her money from her.
I did something that I never do regarding our kids and put my foot down. I told him the kids and I were happy to spend time with her as long as he is with us but that, under no circumstances, would they spend time alone with her. He accepted that I was concerned for them and agreed to move forward that way, re-evaluating every few months.

What a great compromise and very wise. Thankful you were able to find unity in how to go forward with the kiddos.

I just don't know... They literally had a terrible fight where she said awful things to him like a week before the email. 🙄

It is really hard to understand the unhealthy and long standing bonds from the trauma and drama from his growing up years. I so get that. It is a bond forged around angst, spiraling emotions, uncertainty, manipulation and learning how to break those unhealthy bonds that keep us caught in a cycle of abuse.

Working though understanding unhealthy "trauma" bonds and how to break them has really helped me break free. Something for your H to consider working through as well if/when he is ready. Really hard stuff. I am so thankful he has a beautiful life with you and your children. What a blessing that must be for him.

[Spirit in the sky]

Hi Peace for Me

I understand your concern. The emotional connection between mother and son is a complex one even when the mother is emotionally abusive.
I see this with my own husband and his narcissistic mother, he will complain and judge her but at times if I criticise her behaviour he'll automatically defend her.

Although we are no contact at the minute, I believe he will give in at some point. He blames his stepfather for his mother's behaviour, obviously he's in denial because she was exactly the same before she met her second husband. If she were to leave her husband and cry fake tears of remorse my hubby would be back in mumy's arms like a flash.

He has always craved her approval and she never gave gave it, she preferred his brother. I think no contact is his way of punishing her.

What I'm saying in a long winded way is your husband and his mother have a bond, maybe a traumatic one. Maybe he is also desperately seeking her unconditional love.

You need to do what's best for you, your compromise soundly like a good idea.
Stay strong x

[gettingthere]

Seems like a last-ditch effort to me because she sees the trajectory your relationship is going in. I'm familiar with this predicament, although not so extreme. I would say that, if she is truly PD, this is a strategy, not a burst of emotion, and I would caution against any optimism. Unfortunately sometimes for SOs it can take similarly extreme negative whiplash before they give up hope as well. So sorry you're having to go through this - the rollercoaster is often the worst part. If they were only negative all of the time, we wouldn't all end up getting sucked back in and further prolonging the cycle of abuse. I would take as much time as possible to respond, if at all. You and your husband should really take a look at this carefully to see if it's a strategy or if it's heartfelt. Thinking happy thoughts for you <3

[Cat of the Canals]

Sounds like hoovering to me, and I think you're absolutely right to keep your guard up, especially when it comes to not allowing her to be alone with your children.

I like what Bloomie said about "baby steps forward to reconnection and reconciliation." Since it sounds like your husband is the one so keen to forgive and forget, maybe he should have the first interaction with her -- alone. If she can pass that test,  and if you are willing to go from NC to LC, take it slow. A short visit with everyone to see how willing she really is to respect your boundaries, etc.