Angry!!

[Twinkletoes88]

Typing this in the heat of the anger...

Basic story: there was a "family" bbq a while ago with my NPDm and her husband (we do not speak and haven't done for nearly two years). Me and my NPDm rarely see each other.

I didn't go to the bbq for those reasons and went on holiday with my husband and stepkids.

My sister didn't contact me for a long time until asking if I was going a few days before. I told her I wasn't and she said "ok" - I knew she would be angry. She then didn't contact me again until today where she text me asking "are you dead?".

Long story short - I said I assumed she had the ump with me after her short "no" message and she said she does and ranted about how important the day was to my grandparents and how I should have gone. I told her I was on holiday. That didn't seem enough. In the fact end I got angry and told her that she can be angry with me, that's fine. But that's her issue and not mine. I said that I couldn't go as I was away but even if I wasn't, I wouldn't have gone because of my mother's Husband. She knows this already.

It ended with a message saying have a good weekend and some "hahaha okay"'s which were sarcastic.

It's like she was spoiling for an argument.

She said that I go through phases where I'm lovely and nice and then don't talk to her. She said she can't make a joke without offending me (she kept writing nasty things on my social media so I came off social media).

I know I shouldn't have snapped but my god I'm so tired of this. Unless I agree with her and apologise then she doesn't speak to me. I now won't hear from her for months again.

I've just found out she's moved back in with my NPDm and her husband so o imagine they are all talking about me and how selfish and horrible I am.

I feel shit

[LemonLime]

I'm sorry to hear you're having to deal with this Twinkle.
It seems to be the way PDs operate.  They have very poor boundaries.  They will try to make you feel guilty as a way of controlling you.  My PD gets all upset/angry/crying because my daughter doesn't "ask her grandmother to tell stories about grandmother's childhood, before grandmother gets too old and dies".

Well, why doesn't the PD ask grannie to tell stories?  Instead of trying to make me feel guilty that my tweenage daughter doesn't ask grandma to tell stories?

It's always SOMEONE ELSE'S fault.   Always.

I would recommend to you learning about the Karpman Drama Triangle.   It's worth its weight in gold to understand how this drama triangle works.  There is another post somewhere on the board about the KDT, or you can just look it up online.

Also worthwhile is Eckhart Tolle's work on the Pain Body (PD's have a huge Pain Body):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AcYrm7h86Rk

Good luck and let us know how it goes!

[Twinkletoes88]

Thank you Kat, for understanding and validating my anger.

I'm still angry now - 2 days later!!

Thank you for reminding me about that triangle. I had forgotten. I've tried to figure out which role I'm playing. I'm not quite sure but guess I'm being cast as the persecutor and my sister is playing the victim?

I know I shouldn't have got angry or argued back. I've learnt that soooo many times but I just felt like I was going to explode lol.

My sister gets all high on her horse for any perceived injustice towards anyone other than me. It seems it's fine for people to treat me as terribly as they see fit, but when I try to protect myself by not attending things, I'm the devil. I think maybe I interfere with her deluded fantasy of the happy family. After all, its "only me" with the issues!

[Thru the Rain]

When you mentioned your sister has moved in with your M, it made me wonder. Disordered family systems usually "need" a scapegoat. And I'm guessing you've filled that role in the past.

But now you've essentially removed yourself from being an active scapegoat. (And good for you for protecting yourself!)

Just going on what you've written here, it feels like an attempt to get an annoyed reaction from you. And now that they have it, they can dump all their current bad feelings on you. And just like that, they have their scapegoat back, at least in their minds and at least for a little while.

Your last sentence says it all:  "so I imagine they are all talking about me and how selfish and horrible I am."

Don't beat yourself up over this. Sometimes just recognizing what might be going on is so helpful. I often try to imagine what I might have done differently, so next time (and there will likely be a next time) you'll have a response you feel better about.

And I agree with the previous poster about the Karpman Triangle. And I also agree with your thoughts that you've been cast in the role of Persecutor. Which leaves poor, poor them as victims.

[BunnyLover]

From what I've experienced in person and seen on these boards, once the scapegoat finally has enough and removes themselves from the equation, the first person who contacts the scapegoat demanding they "get back in line" is usually the one being treated as the replacement scapegoat - and they don't like it one little bit. Before you feel any sympathy for her, remember that she was perfectly fine with the status quo when it was you getting emotionally/verbally crapped on, not her.

[Twinkletoes88]

From what I've experienced in person and seen on these boards, once the scapegoat finally has enough and removes themselves from the equation, the first person who contacts the scapegoat demanding they "get back in line" is usually the one being treated as the replacement scapegoat - and they don't like it one little bit. Before you feel any sympathy for her, remember that she was perfectly fine with the status quo when it was you getting emotionally/verbally crapped on, not her.

That's very true... she is/they are desperately trying to make me the scapegoat but I wonder if that is the reason as it seems to me she's now GC? Maybe I'm wrong.

I had therapy last night and my T said my sister is projecting all her crap onto me and isn't able to emphasise with me at all that it would be painful/difficult for me to have gone to the bbq. She said it's all about her.

I know I shouldn't have bitten, she got to offload all her negativity onto me and I shouldn't have let her. I'll have to just learn from it.

I'm clearly being scapegoated though - it's "only" me with the issue you know, the rest of the family is happy and fine you know!! 

[Twinkletoes88]

When you mentioned your sister has moved in with your M, it made me wonder. Disordered family systems usually "need" a scapegoat. And I'm guessing you've filled that role in the past.

But now you've essentially removed yourself from being an active scapegoat. (And good for you for protecting yourself!)

Just going on what you've written here, it feels like an attempt to get an annoyed reaction from you. And now that they have it, they can dump all their current bad feelings on you. And just like that, they have their scapegoat back, at least in their minds and at least for a little while.

Your last sentence says it all:  "so I imagine they are all talking about me and how selfish and horrible I am."

Don't beat yourself up over this. Sometimes just recognizing what might be going on is so helpful. I often try to imagine what I might have done differently, so next time (and there will likely be a next time) you'll have a response you feel better about.

And I agree with the previous poster about the Karpman Triangle. And I also agree with your thoughts that you've been cast in the role of Persecutor. Which leaves poor, poor them as victims.

Thank you - you are absolutely bang on the money here. I had therapy last night and my T said exactly this. I've been the scapegoat a lot and then I removed myself by refusing to "rescue" everyone in order to "keep the peace" and I've walked away from the drama until I bit and allowed her to project all her crap onto me on Saturday. Now she probably feels better koz I'm so nasty and mean and selfish blah blah....

Oh well! I have learnt my lesson and next time I will not emotionally react.