Oops, I did it again

[GentleSoul]

Groan, ok so I know better than this but I let myself get lulled into letting my guard down.

UPD/alcoholic husband was being pleasant, reasonable even for a while.  I let my Medium Chill slip and I suddenly got a hurl of verbal abuse at me.  He is very ill and had a nasty fall about 5am.  I helped him up, dressed the wounds.  Then, and I don't even know how it happened, he lashed out at me. 

He was very much playing the poor victim role after the fall.  He is too weak and physically ill to be able to get up on his own hence my help.  If he had been able to do it himself, I would not have helped.

To see him flip mood in an instant and become so nasty was quite eye opening to me.

I saw it very clearly - i think for the first time ever.  No Fear, Obligation or Guilt.   Just me seeing a very sick, dying man lashing out. 

What interested me was my reaction.  In the past, my body would have gone into panic mode.  "flight or flight" whoosh.  I would have felt sick in my stomach.  Today i had none of that, i just was angry in a non-codependent way.  Like a normal person would get angry.  A healthy type of anger, as best i can tell.

I seem to have been able to work through and let go of my codependent traits and feeling responsible for him. 

I feel "recovered" from him.

I carried on and had the day i had planned to have.

[Sojourner17]

Wow Gentlesoul, I am so glad you were able to step outside what was happening with your husband and recognize what was going on.  It sounds like you were able to stay in a good space where you remained separate and in a healthy place.

[bloomie]

Gentlesoul - what compassion you are showing - both for him and yourself. There is something so clarifying in seeing how deep and wide the sickness does go that a man would lash out at a spouse as they helped them and bandaged his wounds. Something about really "seeing" the brokenness of this response to us frees us doesn't it? Something vital in our spirit just unhooks and floats away from it. I am thankful you are able to disengage emotionally from the abuse.

[GentleSoul]

Thank you, Sojourner & Bloomie, such kind and thoughtful replies.  I appreciate them. 

I agree that being able to see the brokenness in him is liberating. 

It all made me think of the phrase I have often heard "hurt people hurt".  So very true. 

[nightbird2012]

Groan, ok so I know better than this but I let myself get lulled into letting my guard down.

UPD/alcoholic husband was being pleasant, reasonable even for a while.  I let my Medium Chill slip and I suddenly got a hurl of verbal abuse at me.  He is very ill and had a nasty fall about 5am.  I helped him up, dressed the wounds.  Then, and I don't even know how it happened, he lashed out at me. 

He was very much playing the poor victim role after the fall.  He is too weak and physically ill to be able to get up on his own hence my help.  If he had been able to do it himself, I would not have helped.

To see him flip mood in an instant and become so nasty was quite eye opening to me.

I saw it very clearly - i think for the first time ever.  No Fear, Obligation or Guilt.   Just me seeing a very sick, dying man lashing out. 

What interested me was my reaction.  In the past, my body would have gone into panic mode.  "flight or flight" whoosh.  I would have felt sick in my stomach.  Today i had none of that, i just was angry in a non-codependent way.  Like a normal person would get angry.  A healthy type of anger, as best i can tell.

I seem to have been able to work through and let go of my codependent traits and feeling responsible for him. 

I feel "recovered" from him.

I carried on and had the day i had planned to have.

This gives me hope!

[GentleSoul]

Groan, ok so I know better than this but I let myself get lulled into letting my guard down.

UPD/alcoholic husband was being pleasant, reasonable even for a while.  I let my Medium Chill slip and I suddenly got a hurl of verbal abuse at me.  He is very ill and had a nasty fall about 5am.  I helped him up, dressed the wounds.  Then, and I don't even know how it happened, he lashed out at me. 

He was very much playing the poor victim role after the fall.  He is too weak and physically ill to be able to get up on his own hence my help.  If he had been able to do it himself, I would not have helped.

To see him flip mood in an instant and become so nasty was quite eye opening to me.

I saw it very clearly - i think for the first time ever.  No Fear, Obligation or Guilt.   Just me seeing a very sick, dying man lashing out. 

What interested me was my reaction.  In the past, my body would have gone into panic mode.  "flight or flight" whoosh.  I would have felt sick in my stomach.  Today i had none of that, i just was angry in a non-codependent way.  Like a normal person would get angry.  A healthy type of anger, as best i can tell.

I seem to have been able to work through and let go of my codependent traits and feeling responsible for him. 

I feel "recovered" from him.

I carried on and had the day i had planned to have.

This gives me hope!

Hello NightBird

I am glad it gives you hope.  I believe full recovery is possible.  We can detach and become ourselves.  Best wishes to you.

[TurkeyGirl]

Wow, thanks for sharing GentleSoul. You can be very proud of yourself, remaining your integrity by still taking care of him, but doing it in the most healthy manner. I'd love to hear some more on how you've done this, if you feel like sharing.

[GentleSoul]

Wow, thanks for sharing GentleSoul. You can be very proud of yourself, remaining your integrity by still taking care of him, but doing it in the most healthy manner. I'd love to hear some more on how you've done this, if you feel like sharing.

Thanks, Turkey Girl, I appreciate your kind words. 

I have completely changed my outlook, attitude and behaviours.  I have done this by working through my codependent traits and traits learned growing up in an alocholic/dysfunctional home.  Literally everything about me has been updated.  A lot of my unehalthy traits were left over from childhood when i needed them to emotionally and physically protect myself.

I now give myself top rate self care.  I say "no" to more things. I have also worked on my physical self.  I am at a slim weight, work out at gym classes which i very much enjoy. I eat well, plenty of water.  No smoking, booze.   No self destructive behaviours.   

I see my post was made early June, since then things with uPD husband have got a lot better.  I can tell this is purely down to the changes in my behaviour and reactions (or rather none-reactions).    He is pleasant all the time now.  Completely stopped 90% of his PD horrible behavoiurs.   Stopped trying to manipulate me as he realises it doesnt work on me.  He has completely stopped demanding things from me.  Or using emotional blackmail. 

Onwards. 

[TurkeyGirl]

Wow! I'm lost for words, this is so incredibly great. It gives me hope. Go you!

[GentleSoul]

Wow! I'm lost for words, this is so incredibly great. It gives me hope. Go you!

Thank you so much, your post has made me smile. 

Another thing I notice is as I gradually identified and then discarded my unhealthy thinking patterns and behaviours, me as a person has started to widen out.  I was living in such a tiny, narrow world  My interests and hobbies are opening right up.  What a lovely side effect of my work.  I am full of gratitude for this.