A bit of a mess

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AllBottledUp

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A bit of a mess
« on: June 09, 2019, 05:10:54 PM »
Hi all,
Not sure whether anyone can help. Been to counselling 3 or 4 times but no one has helped yet.
Just read Narcissistic Motherís and Complex PTSD and think iím now starting to get on track.
Iím in my 50s and have had a life of bottling everything  up and never getting angry, canít communicate apart from pleasantries.
All started from the way I was brought up, only speak when spoken to, do as your told, no care, no support, no love. Mother always outwardly critical of father to me and others when he wasnít about, mother and father never had one to one time with me. If I was ill I had to spend the day in bed while they both went to work.
Bullied at school, mother always late picking me up (on average 40 minutes every day), as school was 12km away.
Then made to catch bus which dropped me off 1 1/2 km from home and had to walk the rest, rain or snow.

I was expected to do chores without thanks.
I left home when I was 17, had to get away, got a job in hotel industry so could stay away.
Father left mother a couple of years later. He has never tried to keep in touch. Mother always in contact, trying to make me feel guilty for not visiting - if I do there are always jobs to do. She sometimes looks accommodates students for a local college and when they are there, I donít get contacted as she has others to do her chores. Then when they go home I get another call, you never come and see me and so on.
If I go out of my way to organise things, theyíre never appreciated.
I married at 23 had a son and wife left me to raise him. Really hard work but never any help from either parents.
When he was 5, met another lady (now my wife). Son became abusive and was sent by authorities to live with his mum, who has since died.
Now.......I donít communicate for fear of doing or saying something wrong, always thinking things through to look at different possible outcomes before responding, donít have any Ďcloseí friends, fear that no one likes me or wants to get to know me.
Bit of a mess really.
Wife very patient with me but I must be hard work.
Not sure where to go from here, suggestions welcome!
Thereís more to it than that but it gives an idea.

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Starboard Song

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Re: A bit of a mess
« Reply #1 on: June 09, 2019, 09:09:51 PM »
Welcome to Out of the FOG.

Hey: we are all a bit of a mess. It's ok. Life has really hard patches, and you've had a hard time of it. It is ok to say that it is hard.

For my family, healing from damage came primarily from the resources in the first line of my signature: in particular Radical Acceptance and Mindful Meditation. There are so many people here, though, who understand. Find a topical board that matches your background -- maybe dealing with PD parents -- and see if threads apply. We learn from each other, here. We are stronger together.

And check out the Toolbox. It has so many key ideas and concepts that will maybe help you begin to better understand. And when you are ready, you may find sharing bits and pieces of your own story here can help, especially where you can ask others how it compares to their experience.

There is one abiding lesson: you are not alone.

Welcome to OOTF.
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

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Anywhere Else

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Re: A bit of a mess
« Reply #2 on: June 14, 2019, 02:26:40 PM »
Hi Allbottledup,

It sounds like you grew up unappreciated and with a kind of transactional relationship from your family and it's affected how you relate to others now. My family was a bit like that, except with my father, so I think I get how you feel a little. The thing that helped me most was the knowledge that the way your family treats you is not the way you deserve to be treated, and you do not have to accept their incorrect version of you. I know that sounds obvious but it took me a long time to internalize it.

I am a big fan of counseling and I think it's a good idea for anyone to go if they can afford to do so. It can be tricky to find the right one and I've certainly  found a couple duds, but it was helpful to speak my mind in a safe setting. Perhaps that action alone will help open up later to others if that's what you want.

What you're going through is difficult, and I hope you will be kind to yourself as you get through this.