advice dealing with communal narcissism

[TriedTooHard]

Hi all, after growing up in a uNPD family, I spent many years shying away from events and groups, but have come a long way.  I'm trying to be a better role model for my child, who is old enough to notice certain things in the community.  My encouraging him to have good friendships and community involvement seems to be working.

The problem is, I still get triggered by people whom I suspect to be communal narcissists.  My parents were communal narcissists, so I spent some time in T trying to figure things out.  As a result, I'm pretty good about recognizing the obvious signs of trouble, for example, people who gossip, name call, and try to obtain inordinate favors for their children. 

But what about the more subtle signs?  Sometimes I wonder if I'm over-reacting to these, because my husband is ill and I don't have help from FOO, so maybe I'm jealous that I don't have as much time and money to volunteer.  How do I still encourage my child to get involved, but not fall in with questionable people? 
I would appreciate any advice on how to deal with these examples:

1.  The coach who after many years of volunteering, decides its time her or his team win every game.  For example, recruiting a really great player for the last 2 games of the season, waive the fees, and bench the kids who showed up all season long and paid their fees.
2.  The mom who doesn't need to work and donates a lot to the public school, and now wants to publicly list in the school hallway and on social media, all parents' financial contributions to the school.
3.  The mom who encourages her teen child to earn money and umpire for little league, then shows up to a game and tells him to call all strikes so the game can end quickly and they can go home.
4.  The parents who won't invite over a child who's mother just died, because that may disturb their own children too much and their children shouldn't have to deal with the dysfunction.  But, they post a lot on social media about how sorry the feel for the child.

[Penny Lane]

The more I learn about narcissists the more I learn ... they're everywhere! As much as I would like to totally avoid them, I don't think we can. And it's harder if their behaviors are triggering you over and over.

I like to think of it as a superpower. You can spot a narcissist a mile away and so you'll never get stuck with one as a boss, etc. Those you MUST be around, you can keep them at arms' length.

How old is your child? With younger kids I think it's OK for parents to naturally gravitate toward playdates and stuff with kids of other parents they like. You can avoid other unpleasant parents with no regrets!

As the kids get older there's less interaction between parents. So you don't have to stop your kid from hanging out with someone else whose parent is questionable. But you can still set boundaries! Like, if the other parent is jerking you around, or if they're making things difficult for you, then you can say, nah, let's make plans with someone else. And if you're worried they're unsafe I think you can put up some boundaries like "you only play with that friend at our house, not at their house" pretty easily.

On coaches and other community members, if it were me personally I would wait till the season ends then pull my kid out of the team. Narcissistic behavior like what you're describing isn't fun to be around, and I think it's a matter of protecting your kid. That's too close for comfort, in my opinion. If it's more mild and your kid isn't bothered, maybe the solution is giving them some tools (like telling them, just because the coach is obsessed with winning doesn't mean the kids have to be, or whatever).

With other parents that are sort of in your orbit, can you ignore the bad behavior? It's certainly obnoxious to put the amount everyone donated on the walls (I mean ... what?? surely other people see how ridiculous that is as well) but ultimately it doesn't really affect you. But it is a good signal that this isn't someone you want to spend a lot of time with, you know?

For what it's worth I don't think you're overreacting. You don't have to formally diagnose someone as having a personality disorder to find them unpleasant and set boundaries.

[Hazy111]

The more i observe and pick up on the signs. Speech, actions, behaviors, etc that its my increasing belief that PD is the norm, not the exception. I think Freud said "neurosis is the norm not the exception"

You start to see it everywhere in so many people. I dont think you are "over reacting" its just you are now aware and have insight. As the old saying goes " if i knew then what i know now."

I wouldnt know how to give advice on so many complicated situations. The important thing is to "trust your gut" . The problem is that you may see the " alarm bells" , but they dont and may resent you for interfering.

[countrygirl]

Hi TriedTooHard,

Yikes!  Everything you're seeing is so real and your responses are right-on.  I think you need to pick your battles, because--let's face it--the kind of behavior your describe is all too common and you can't address every instance of it.   For example, out of the four examples you gave, which one upsets you the most?

I find them all appalling, but am especially appalled by the parents who won't invite over a child whose parents just died, because it might upset their child.  Meanwhile these hypocrites post on social media about how sorry they feel for the child.  What heinous behavior..  Would it be possible for you to post no the same social media about how important you feel it is for a berieved child to receive comfort from his or her community?  And to say how people do their own children no favors by trying to shield them from grief.  Grief is part of life. 

However you choose to deal with these situations is up to you, but I'm sure everyone here would completely validate your perceptions!  And may I say that any sensitive person, whether raised by narcissist or not, would feel as you do.  Your example of how to behave will stay with your child, and will teach them never to behave as these people do, but to treat others with kindness and fairness. 

[TriedTooHard]

Thank you all for your support and validation.  It eases my anxiety about being in these situations, so I will better be able to ignore this bad behavior when that is the best course of action.

PennyLane, my child is now a "tween" and I agree, there has been less parental interaction lately.  I have been doing some looking back and wondering if I did the right thing in "tinkering" with his play dates and activities, or if I was a little too manipulative and caused him to miss opportunities.  Your validation makes me realize I did the right thing and I should be very happy with his current group of friends, whose families don't have much in common with the communal narcissists.

Hazy111, it is everywhere, but we have also been able to find some nice people to befriend.  It took time, and those people are harder to find, because they tend to be too busy for nonsense.  I hope my son appreciates this.

countrygirl, I agree, the most appalling one is the parent who won't invite the kid over because his mother died.  This is the first mom I met in town, and up until then, I blamed myself for not becoming close with her family.  Thankfully, I trusted my gut.

[countrygirl]

Wow, TriedTooHard,  were you ever right to listen to your gut!