Constant Interruption

[Tricia64]

Hi Everyone,

In all honesty, my contact with my sisters is mostly now because I am so lonely.  I really do not get along with any of them and yet I am the one who calls because of my loneliness.  But again I end up getting so angry because of how my sister acts and she still believes I am to blame.

I had a question about one of my sisters.  She constantly interrupts.  I actually do this myself but I am trying to stop it.  She, however, will cut me off and act like I am wrong that I get mad.  I am starting to realize slowly how Narc. she is when she does this.  I thought maybe our relationship might be able to change, but I am realizing it is very doubtful.  I will hang right up on her (which I know is wrong) but I feel like I can't stop myself.  I get so embarrassed because I am literally talking in the middle of the sentence and she just starts talking and she won't even act like she did anything wrong.  I end up feeling like a nothing because I feel so desperate for conversation and then this happens within ten minutes.   But she tells me so much the things are my fault that I start to believe it.   

Thanks in advance for any comments.

[nanotech]

Two members of my family of origin do this. Whether on the phone or face to face.  My dad constantly  talks over what I'm saying.  You can put the phone down and go answer the door and there they be still talking when you get back on the line. The only  time my NPD dad goes quiet and listens? - if I'm giving him some new information. He needs to assimilate that so that he can come back at me with it. In time I always regret my decision to convey it to him at all. 😔 Sigh. I'm learning.
The other thing my dad does to me is ding to me down the phone. He sings in an amateur band. This is since my mum died. I've started to ask him not to. He sings in a very  bossy, affected voice. It's not pleasant, though he hits notes ok I suppose. He's trying to be someone else.  He tells me he could have done it professionally if not for  youthful shyness,  mum  not wanting him to, and ' family commitments' . Ah there's the old blame bunny again. He couldn't have been a singer!  He never wanted kids. Mum talked him into them- and he adored her so he went along. This singing just makes me cringe. He never sang to us as kids? It's not something I recognise about my dad.

[HeadAboveWater]

Hi, Tricia64. I have no advice, but I wanted to validate your experience. My MiL is a constant interruptor. She'll ask a question and then talk right over the answer. Sometimes she'll start a side conversation while one is responding to her. My husband and I have made it a habit to stop talking and stare at her in disbelief when she does this. She'll always declare "What?! I'm listening" when we do. We just hosted SiL at our house, and I realized she seems to have picked up the same habit. My husband and I will be talking to each other, often problem solving something like figuring out driving directions, and she'll just start babbling right over us. One of the reasons it's so infuriating is because the practice of talking over other people communicates "You don't matter enough for me to pay attention or respect what you have to contribute." It's also an infuriating reminder that for cluster B's it's often all about them.

[nanotech]

Yes that's right it's the lack of respect it conveys when they talk over you. If I continue to talk my dad gets louder, as if to ' shout me down' .
Not sure what to do about it. Stopping talking is a good move l think.

[Tricia64]

Thank you both for your support.

I feel like the not caring is what bothers me the most.  It is like someone doesn't even care or even pretend to care about your thoughts.  That is why I lost it last night.  But my sister will literally cut me off and acted almost like it is normal to act that way. 

I totally get the thing of your father shouting.  My sister does it all the time.  It is like she doesn't care and then just says I do it too all the time.  But I really I think she sees a conversation is just about her.  So if I talk normally she considers it interrupting.  She will be like "I didn't finish my story" but the story will just be way too long and I realize she doesn't want a conversation.  She wants an audience.  But it makes me terribly sad and upset all at the same time. 

There is so much competition.  I just can't stand it anymore.  It is like my sisters are in a constant competition.  Everything is a competition. But it has begun to get to me so badly that it feels almost traumatizing when it happens.

I think it will be better for me to cut off contact but I really have no one else.  I feel so alone and sad.  It is like I feel like I don't even know who people are anymore for the most part.

Thanks again for support.

[nanotech]

Oh bless you honey I do understand about seeing the problems and yet still needing the contact with them. There are some strategies you can use. I'll look them up and post them a bit later. They've helped me. XxxxxxxxxX

[nanotech]

Time was when my family were also my only friends. I relied on them to be my friends as well as fam.
Following therapy at 57 years of age, I then felt confident enough to join some social groups- and I met people and made some friends. Best thing ever.
What'd I do with dad?  I'm low contact. That's been a start. And I'm no contact with all but one sibling. No announcement I just don't contact them.
As the pattern was set up to  always have me chase them and initiate social get-togethers, just me stopping was enough to halt everything.
Scary at first, but so revealing. I don't think they'd know how to lower themselves to contacting me first. 
I see my dad, but less. I'm healthier and more confident. And guess what? -he doesn't miss me.
My dad can be quite verbally abusive, but it's covert. It comes in the form of ' joking' ' but it can get quite nasty. He can intimidate and accuse, blame and shame, all with a twinkle in his eye and/ or a curve of his tongue.

I've gone zero tolerance on it.
I use some techniques relating to assertiveness.
'No' is a complete sentence. NO need to JADE. (justify, argue, defend, explain)
MEDIUM CHILL OR GREY ROCK a lot.
You don't have to answer a request or an invitation on the spot. You can say, ' let me think about that, I'll get back to you.'  Be vague about when you are getting back to them.
' I don't know' is a complete answer to any question they might put.
If a phone call gets uncomfortable, drop the rope and politely (but firmly) end it.  You are not obliged to feel bad at their behest.
Use the broken record technique. If you give them an answer they want you to expand on, don't-  just keep repeating the exact same sentence. Don't expand on it or offer explanations. That's how you get into the kind of circular arguments where they will try to trip you up with your own words. If they then act hurt or annoyed,
you can validate those feelings while remaining firm;
' I can see why you might feel that way, but 'I'm not going to come this time'
'I have no free time Saturday' followed by ' 'whoops I have to go!'
Again no expanding or explaining, just a broken record repetition of the same sentence!
Remember that you are not that small child any more. You are a grown up, an individual being who both gives and expects respect from others. You no longer live with these people.

Boundaries. You are not their fixer. Express sympathy,  but don't get involved in any 'rescues' . They are not really victims and you'll get blamed.
Most of all make your damn mind up to live your life without their approval. Just stop trying to get it. You don't need it.
Hugs 🤗.
Join some fun classes/ groups and you will make friends. Find your tribe. 🔑🤗❤️

[Tricia64]

Thanks for all the advice.  I really like a lot of the tips.

I just have such severe emotional regulation problems myself that interactions wipe me out.  I guess changing interaction patterns have to happen.  I am really trying but getting so drained from constant issues.  I just fall apart pretty quickly with stuff.

Thanks again for the tips.  I need to practice more.