In-home separation - as fun as it sounds.

[Blackbird11]

Living with my uPDh right now and it took about a week or so but now he finally (sort of) understands that we are separated. What I mean is that he was still trying to schedule stuff together as a family, and I had to keep telling him we are doing things separately right now. He is still saying some things that indicate he's holding out hope we'll continue on together. The other day he asked me about buying something for the house (a non-necessity) as though we'd use it for the next 5 years. I looked at him and said that it was definitely not the time to talk about something like that.

We don't have to see each other that often - we work opposite schedules. But there are times when we do cross paths and it is very awkward. He is being very respectful (right now) so it's not unbearable, but you can really feel the tension.

He is starting to dive into self help and healthy living habits now - and trying to show me that he's giving it his best shot. This would have worked about the six other times I asked him to get it together to make it work, but now it's just too late. I sincerely hopes he keeps up with it for the sake of himself and our child, however.

I got a little sad for him the other day when I saw him wandering around the house by himself looking mopey - and then I thought to myself "gee, if we lived separately I wouldn't have to see him like that and I could move on with my life."

I don't mean this in a mean way - I never WANT someone to feel sad and depressed. But he has put me through so much. It's hard for me to feel sorry for him like I used to now that I'm coming Out of the FOG. Like we discuss here - they are adults and they need to handle their emotions.

We have a joint therapy session coming up and I'm thinking of asking him to move out (before I try and go find and apartment for me and the kid). Based on our childcare situation and where I work, it makes more sense for him to leave. If he doesn't, well then I'll definitely have to move forward with finding a place to live asap.

It would be great if the "respectful" behavior continues, but I won't hold out hope. They are too unpredictable.

[notrightinthehead]

Keeping my fingers crossed for you. Seems like you are MC and grey rock successfully. The longer you can keep your home situation calm, the better for all of you.

[bohemian butterfly]

I got a little sad for him the other day when I saw him wandering around the house by himself looking mopey - and then I thought to myself "gee, if we lived separately I wouldn't have to see him like that and I could move on with my life."

I don't mean this in a mean way - I never WANT someone to feel sad and depressed. But he has put me through so much. It's hard for me to feel sorry for him like I used to now that I'm coming Out of the FOG. Like we discuss here - they are adults and they need to handle their emotions.

I totally get this.  Keep strong, you got this!

Last night while my boyfriend (drunk) lay beside me snoring, I looked at his face and realized that he is someone that I don't even really know.  Asleep, he looked peaceful and innocent and it crushed me for a moment to picture him in the future, possibly in pain and/or crying.  But you are absolutely right, he is an adult and I can not stay with someone just to prevent some temporary pain versus a lifetime of my potential misery.  I think (for me) that this is my old people pleasing conditioning rearing its' head.  I also think there is some unresolved guilt (my alcoholic father used to cry when I was a child- age 8) he once cornered me in the kitchen and (crying) said, "why don't you love me anymore?"  He then said, "when you were a little baby you loved me so much!"   As you can imagine, as a child this absolutely crushed me.  I cried and cried and pleaded with him "Daddy I do love you!"  Guilt followed me from that day forward.  So my father was emotionally absent and when his young daughter (me) started avoiding him (not knowing what was going on and probably for my own mental protection) I was conditioned to "prove" my love and protect other peoples' emotions instead of my own.  I took on their pain.  Sorry I went off tangent.....

You (nor I or anyone else on this forum) are NOT responsible for anyone else's emotions or reactions.  They are responsible for themselves.  They can get help (or not) by their own free will.  They can get therapy, they can go to AA, they can go to church or they can try to be on their best behavior for a few days, or do absolutely nothing.....but we are absolutely not responsible for them. 

You are in my thoughts!  You are so strong and I'm proud of you!  Keep walking or like Spygirl says, "Just keep swimming!"

[Elsbeth]

I feel for you and understand all you are going through. Me and the now ex-uNPD partner "lived" for more than half a year in the same house while "separated".

One thought/advice I will throw out there is this ... waiting for him to leave is putting the control with him on the situation. If you can leave, then why not do so and be in control?

Best of luck.