This year my birthday falls on fathers day :(

[newlife33]

I feel like a sad, small depressed bag of wet sand right now.  I have been NC with my entire fam for almost three years.  Things are going good.  That being said, I cannot deny the emotions that are coming this week and the significance of them.

My birthday is Sunday.  The same day as father's day.  I want to be able to celebrate.  I have a party to go to the day before, I have friends coming over and things are going to be good.  But none of them know my true story, none of them know my history of abuse.  They just thing I am a ok.  And when I do reveal even a little bit of my past, many shrink up, get uncomfortable or back away.  Thank god I go to therapy to get most of it out.

Anyway, as hard as I try to focus on the good, I am just in so much pain right now.  I struggle to sleep, I think of all the times he hijacked my birthday and made it about him.  How many times friends didn't want to come over because of how awkward or uncomfortable things were.  I didn't feel like I had a birthday till I was about 28.

Writing this out now though is cathartic.  I realize I have had five years in a row of good birthdays and fun.  I have managed to look less angry every year in my photos, and maybe even crack a legit smile now and then.  I will let these sad feelings swell in when they may, but I will not let them overwhelm me.  In the end, I will rise above and have a good time.  Their are too many awesome things going on in my life right now to let some manipulative narc loser bring me down.  When I get through this week unscathed it will make me stronger, and every year it will be easier and easier. 

[athene1399]

 I am so glad you have had five good years of birthday memories. Happy birthday!  I am sorry that your birthday falls on a day that triggers some of your sadness and past to come up. That can be tough. Especially since you weren't allowed to have the one fun day that is all about us each year for such a long time. But you can have that day now. With that being said, don't pressure yourself into having a "perfect" weekend. Let the feelings come up and sit with them for a moment before moving on.  You can still have a great birthday even if you are sad for part of it. That is okay. Sit with the pain for as long as you have to. Grieve for your younger self if you have to. You don't have to be happy all the time. I'm sure you will have a great birthday regardless. I hope you start to feel less depressed as time goes on. It sounds like you are getting there.