I left, now to clean up the mess

[Whatthehey]

I left my OCPD husband of 32 years.  I have been working with a EMDR therapist to address my PTSD from incidents in childhood and college.  While working with her and my psyciatrist, I came to the realization that despite three couple's counselors and multiple therapists, my husband was emotionally abusing me.  I gave hime one last chance to continue with therapy and he said he didn't have time.  I worked with the Domestic Violence Network, made a plan and left one day while he was at work.  I have two adult children and one still in high school.  Two of the three were not surprised.  My oldest is very upset and unfortunately, has the same diagnosis as her father with OCPD.  On the plus side, she is accepting of the diagnosis and has worked hard on her issues.

My middle daughter is angry.  She received the brunt of her sisters and fathers anger.  She has been in therapy for quite some time and I am sure that I am also the recipient of her anger - for not removing her from the home long ago.

To be fair to myself, I have stage IV cancer and while I am ten years from my last tumor, I live in the constant fear of the cancer returning.  I also have a child with autism.  The cancer treatments have left me disabled and I work every day on managing my pain.

Since I left, I feel joy every day.  I love having control over my life.  I see the area I live in with new eyes and actually enjoy the area.  I do not regret the choice.  I do feel sadness and anger that we will no longer have family Christmas, vacations or thanksgiving.  I feel deep sadness that the kids are dealing with this loss.  If I could take their pain, I would.  But I need to deal with my learned coping behaviors that are not healthy and retrain myself.  I need and deserve to be happy.  I shouldn't live in an unsafe environment just to keep the image of happy family alive.

Yet, I just can't leave them to flounder.  How do I support them?  How do I address the fact that as an adult I should have known better and removed them all from the situation long ago?  When does that guilt go away?  Does it ever?

How do I take responsibility for my inaction and also allow for the fact that I am a victim too?

In order to spare feelings, I say that yes I still love your father but he needs to get help and learn to better control his emotions.  Yet, I don't love hime anymore.  Wow, that was hard to write.  I really don't though.  I feel now empty and hollow.  Those moments of joy are beautiful but as for loving another man - that is empty and hollow and will probably never be filled.

So I am adopting the AA mantra - one day, one hour and one minute at a time. 

Any advice, is appreciated.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome!Welcome!Welcome! You have come to a good place.

I am out just over a year now and still dealing with the after effects of marriage to a NPDh. While the TOOLBOX is a great resource when dealing with a PD person in your lfe, we have to look further for support and guidance when healing.

Like you, I feel guilty for not leaving earlier with my kids, they are adults now,  and I have apologized to them several times. One, the scape goat of the constellation, is very angry - with him, with me, and rightly so. Luckily we are talking. I will apologize as many times as required, and I truly regret not having been stronger, cleverer, more courageous, more resourceful so that I could have left with my kids while they were still young.  Once I realized what I was dealing with, I protected them the best  I could, while building on a way out of that disastrous marriage.

The golden child, my NPDh's favourite, is trying to find a balance to accommodate both parents. I try to avoid the subject of my PD when we talk. I don't want to be hurtful or put pressure.

I am still working on forgiving myself but I get better at it, remember the mantra : "I did the best I could, given the information and resources I had at the time." If you look back, you will probably agree with that. Had you seen a way out or known what you were dealing with, as you do now, you would have made a different decision. I feel warmth and sympathy for my former self. I look at her as I would on a beloved friend and then it is so much easier to forgive.

I try to be as honest and authentic as I can be, no more putting on a show of the perfect family and successful couple, as I did when I was still with my NPDh. I want people to know who I am and I want to be true to my feelings. Even if I get rejected as a consequence.

Like you, I am so grateful for my new life. There is so much joy in it. I do sometimes feel sad that I have to do everything on my own, but then I remember how it was with him and it is so much better now.

I hope you will keep on posting and share your path of healing with us - see you around on the boards.

[Poison Ivy]

I agree with notrightinthehead, especially the point about not expecting more of your younger self than is rational, given that you know things now that you didn't know then. One thing that I say, kindly, about myself is that when I got married, I was young (23) and dumb. 

[Whatthehey]

Night time is the worst.  Always has been.  When going through the cancer treatment, I would wander the house at night.  Now, I stare at a new ceiling and hear different noises outside.  Lights and smells are different.  My son has had to sleep at my OCPDh house while I put together a home for him.  Fortunately, he is OK so far but his father has been at times, short and angry.  I have never seen my spouse angry with my son.  But I am coming to realize that I am not there to buffer.  Still, until I have a bed, I can not have him here or I could loose him completely and be called an unfit mother.

Your advice on being kind to my younger self is well noted.  Not sure how to do that yet.  I need to work through my guilt first I suppose.  It's funny, so many people have said Wow you are so strong. or You are amazingly OK. etc.  But inside, deep inside, I am still that young girl looking at a boy and imaging the future.  I am inside, trembling, with insecurity and fear.  Perhaps I just to really, physically not imaginary, look in the mirror and say, you are strong.  you can do this.

As for apologizing, I have.  But with your input, I will apologize again.  and again.  Until I have many more sparks of happiness.

[notrightinthehead]

You are both, that young insecure, frightened girl and the strong woman who was so strong that she survived the abuse for 32 years. 32 years! Weaker people would have cracked much sooner, would have not been able to give PD supply for so long. You are a survivor.