Do they ever decide?

[capybara]

A little background... BPDH has been showing a lot more BPD behaviours in the last 3 years. We are doing better now and his anger is much more under control. Whenever we talk about our relationship, I feel like he asks for (1) more affection/validation from me; (2) more limits on my behaviour so I don't trigger him, and (3) for me to share more of my emotions with him.

I have been getting better about setting my boundaries and refusing to make unrealistic promises.

He has threatened to leave (and once, left) in the past, and just a few days ago he said maybe he would be better alone... It's hard for me to hear those things, and it's hard for me to invest in the relationship when I don't know if he wants to stay or go. I feel like I can never truly make him feel loved and not triggered. I also am not willing to build my whole life around not triggering him!

Do BPD's actually leave, or do they just keep us in limbo forever?

[sad_dog_mommy]

In my experience, my exBPDbf would claim he was going to do things such as kill himself, leave me, stop talking to his kids or quit his job ONLY to get narcissistic supply out of me.  I think he liked me to beg him to not do what he was threatening.  (and they were always hollow threats)  As a caring (codependent) person I would say "Oh pleeeeease do not do X"  "Think of your children before you do X"  "What can I do to make you feel better?"

When I stopped 'feeding' him 'supply' and began to respond by saying "OK" or "I will call the police if you hurt yourself" he was a little caught off guard but be quit resorting to that manipulation because it didn't work anymore.

Try to put yourself in the 'drivers seat'.  Maybe you don't wait for HIM to decide.  What do YOU want?  Nobody wants to be in limbo and walking around on eggshells to make him feel secure can leave you empty and exhausted.

((( hug )))

[capybara]

Thanks, sad_dog_mommy. I am getting better at not jumping right in there to "fix" it, but I still find these discussions really hard. I wasn't seeing it in terms of him getting narcissistic supply, but that makes a lot of sense.

I am really struggling because (a) I am not sure what I want, (b) the kids, and (c) I think that any separation would go more smoothly if he initiated it, rather than me.

[sad_dog_mommy]

If you have read any of my other posts I am about to sound like a broken record but journaling is cheap (free) therapy.  It allows you to get all your thoughts down on paper instead of swirling around in your head.  (I tend to dwell on things...)  Plus it can give you a record of how you felt at a certain time.  It can be a 'historical record' of the highs and lows if you ever doubt your recollection of an event.   

I also found it helpful to re-read the posts I wrote when I first joined this support forum.  When I read them now I feel sorry for that girl but I know she (me) is happier these days. 

I thank my lucky stars for the day I stumbled across this website because I realized I wasn't alone.  There are a lot of us non-PDs out there and we have to stick together.