What About the Kids

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Mitchy

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What About the Kids
« on: June 10, 2019, 06:31:37 PM »
So, I was thinking last night and this thought slapped me in the face:

With all of the tension, self-doubt, fear and other BS I feel living with my OCPDh, I feel like I'm absolutely nuts. So, OK, I'm an adult. I am able to rationalize a lot of this and find help for myself. But, I cannot for the life of me understand what this does to children. How do we as adults help them? I mean, I know the standard answers. Therapist, support groups etc., but they are kids! There is not one rational reason that any child should go through that. It's awful and I'm feeling extreme levels of guilt as a mother right now.

That is all. Just needed to get this out of my head.

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Cascade

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Re: What About the Kids
« Reply #1 on: June 11, 2019, 02:07:41 AM »
I think we can step in to defend them when needed, rather than portraying a united front at all times like parenting books recommend. I also think itís okay to tell our children that what their other parent did wasnít right or appropriate or whatever word you need, in a respectful sort of way. 

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notrightinthehead

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Re: What About the Kids
« Reply #2 on: June 11, 2019, 04:07:18 AM »
I agree with Cascade. I think parenting books are written for normal people. Special situations require different responses. The earlier children learn the tools from the toolbox, the better for them in the long run.

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Swirlingemotions

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Re: What About the Kids
« Reply #3 on: June 13, 2019, 01:48:42 AM »
I was married for 32 years to a OCPDh with three kids.  My oldest has OCPD but started receiving intense therapy while in her teens.  Her spouse was aware of her condition long before they dated.  My middle daughter received the brunt of his anger, passive aggressive responses and general disdain.  My youngest has autism is generally oblivious.

When I left, I called my middle and received a very blunt and cold shoulder.  Then she told my OCPDh, you should've divorced ten years ago. 

I feel all kinds of guilt.  I saw the signs and begged, coerced and bribed therapy.  Couples therapy and individual therapy. 

In the end, I will always have guilt.  I think that is part of motherhood.  When the guilt gets too great, I reread the boards/go over the toolbox/take deep breaths and remember that I can only make the best decision I can with the info I have at the time.  And the reality is - I may have seen the signs but I didn't truly understand.  I didn't have the capacity within me to really comprehend. 

As for the children, they are fortunate they have you to love love love them.  With your love, they will thrive.