To confront or not

[HeadAboveWater]

This is a bit of a spin-off thread from my "saying 'NO' to a visit" thread.

On occasion, my husband and I host developmentally disabled adult SiL for a weekend at our home. These visits are very, very difficult. She behaves a lot like NMiL --fleas, possibly. It's also clear that she's been infantilized by her mother in a way that has prevented self actualization. For example, though she's nearly 40 and of normal intelligence, she can't slice bread or accurately estimate how long it will take her to get ready in the morning. While I understand that her disability might make it harder for her to learn these tasks, she's certainly bright enough to master them. This is, after all, a woman who holds employment and a driver's license. And, while SiL will read the newspapers and want to have conversations about complicated political topics, she'll silently wander off in public places rather than say "Hold on; I'm going to find a water fountain," or "Can you tell me where the restroom is?" Since she so easily gets lost on her own, this is a little disconcerting.

SiL just left my home recently, so I'm processing her last visit. My husband's main take-away is that he's sad that his parents have raised and cared for his sister in such a way that she is codependent with their mother. I'm wondering if their father, who is the more rational of the two parents and who has done the long-term health and financial planning for his disabled daughter, understands her lack of independence. As an example, he booked her return air travel on a non-refundable fare on the last flight of the weekend with an airline that has no codeshare partner. He didn't seem to contemplate that she lacks the skills to save her travel confirmation emails, handle a rebooking phone call, or take a taxi to the airport on her own in the middle of the night. When I last visited my in-laws in their hometown, FiL was irritated that we had to cut a family outing short so that MiL could race home and make coffee for SiL before SiL's work shift. FiL insisted that SiL do it for herself. Well, this past weekend, I learned that SiL doesn't know how to make coffee and, when taught, botched it so badly that the coffee was undrinkable, the kitchen counters were flooded, and the coffee maker had to have loose grounds cleaned out of it before being used again. My parents in-law have SiL do a lot of the food preparation in their home because she has an interest in nutrition. Yet, I've observed her using knives unsafely, such as attempting to cut corn kernels off the cob in a horizontal sawing motion moving toward her hand. The parents in-law also allow SiL to drive herself and provide her with a vehicle that they pay for. But SiL is someone who cannot manage making several decisions at once or making decisions when surprised or disappointed: she hung up on a phone while in a hold queue because she was flustered, and she opened my car door into a light post while we were at a dead stop . 

Is it worth confronting my FiL, who may be a non, once to share my concerns about SiL's abilities? I think he's in denial. I think also that my MiL's identity has been so wrapped up in caring for and doing things for their daughter, that he may not know how much her "help" is concealing the true level of my SiL's disability. He is also very avoidant. Until my husband and I confronted him a few years ago, we did not have confirmation that SiL had a diagnosed disability (as if it weren't obvious). Also, SiL is his employee. She very much wants a promotion to a professional office worker position within his organization, instead of the hourly menial labor position that she currently works. Yet, though her degree qualifies her for the position she wants, she's unable to behave professionally and will never be promoted. She pines for the possibility of increased status, but neither her supervisor nor her father is breaking the bad news.

If I had hard evidence that FiL was PD, I'd mind my own business. Is there actually any chance that he doesn't know just how bad things are for/with his daughter? Has anyone been there-done that with a dysfunctional family and a disabled or otherwise vulnerable family member? If I were to communicate with FiL I'd also be going around my husband, which may be an inappropriate violation of a boundary.

Thanks to anyone who's read this far. I'm sort of "thinking out loud" in a time of upset. I guess I still have that abuse survivor's instinct of wanting or needing to be the fixer.

[Cat of the Canals]

I can absolutely understand wanting to speak up on your SiL's behalf. Your concern is valid and noble. That being said, I think there's a very high risk for things to turn ugly here.

Is there a way you could talk to your husband more directly about it so he can have this conversation with his father? If it were me, I would first and foremost avoid going behind his back to have this discussion. Don't put your own relationship at risk. Especially not when you can't be sure your concerns will even be heard by your FiL.

Does your FiL seem to be an enabler for your MiL at all? Any flying monkey behavior? Is he likely to turn around and tell your MiL everything you/your husband has said, and then all hell will really break loose? If so, I'd consider abandoning the entire plan all together.

[bloomie]

HeadAboveWater - it has to be unsettling to see your sil's vulnerability and her potential to be far more independent in her activities of daily living. It is incredibly frustrating to consider how limiting this could be for her after her parents are no longer in a position to go home and make her coffee before she goes to work.

I have to agree with Cat of the Canals that this is an extremely high risk dynamic for you to get involved in. Does your DH want to involve you all in this?

[HeadAboveWater]

Thanks to you both for helping me to see the risks. And thanks for giving me a safe space to process my feelings about it all.

[StayWithMe]

Have the in laws suggested how they see you supporting your SIL when they are gone?

[HeadAboveWater]

Have the in laws suggested how they see you supporting your SIL when they are gone?

They have not. We only know that her room and board has been arranged. They can't even talk about how best to support her during visits; we've had to figure out what she needs through trial and error. There seems to be a lot of denial and avoidance.