Article: “I don’t understand why my son won’t talk to me”

[Houstorm]

Hi there.  I found this short article so useful.
https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2019/06/my-adult-child-wont-talk-me/591274/
I'm so impressed by how the therapist pointed out (with empathy) why an adult child may choose VLC or NC with a parent, gently describing differing perspectives.  I wonder how many PD parents would be gently eased into some introspection of their behaviors, words, demands, entitlements after reading such a thoughtful essay.
It was so helpful to me to read this now.  I'm dealing with a lot of FMs, and occasionally guilt sets in, but NC has helped me to sit with myself and I emerge from these experiences feeling validated that for me NC is a healthy choice.  I grieve that NC means a loss of extended family, as currently FM cousins clearly are operating on behalf of my FOO.  I'm sad that I've concluded I must distance myself from the few cousins I had contact with, but if they blame me for causing pain to my FOO by being NC, obviously they don't care for me as adults understand that going NC is a difficult and considered decision.
Good luck to you all on your journeys.

[SunnyMeadow]

That's a good reply from the therapist, thoughtful and gently worded. I like how it points out that the parent may have caused the problem and how this relationship isn't always about the parents. The son may be going through things they don't know about.

I've heard my uNPDmom say this about my NC sibling. She just can't understand why sibling won't talk to her. The thing is, sib told uNPDm many times but mother never heard it. Heaven forbid that anyone tell her she wasn't a 100% perfect mother. She flipped that around into sibling being a terrible person.

Thanks for posting.

[Kiki81]

Yeaaaaahhhhh.

This therapist can have that approach ( 'everyone's experience is valid and subjective') but that was a powder keg when my mom helped herself to that the last time I saw her, and she denied that she and my dad hit me until I was 20. She told me we remembered the past differently, we each had our own experiences, everything is subjective anyway, right? I said nope, the last time my dad beat me in a college parking lot, the Head of the school in my major called the police to come. So NOT subjective, NOT everyone having their truth, etc etc.  There was a police report naming my dad as the assailant and my mom as sitting in their car watching the assault and doing nothing to stop it.

[Kiki81]

And if course, they have no idea why I left the relationship with them several times culminating in this last and final severing.

They've told our dentist, dermatologist, and internist many rage-y  (dad) and angry teary (mom) stories about how they have no idea what happened.

[Sojourner17]

Thanks for posting this. I think the therapist also did a good job of wording her response. 

[JustKat]

The therapist did write a nicely worded reply. Those words would not have gotten through to my Nmother, though. She was very much aware of her abusive actions and knew why I went NC.

This jumped out at me in the mother's letter:

My son also has always felt that my daughter got more than he did when they were growing up. However, this is not the case. Sometimes he doesn't remember what we did for him ...

Oh, and he drinks, so he MUST have forgotten.

When I went NC with my Nmother she sent a multi-page guilt letter. In the letter she said the same things, that my GC brother had never been given anything that I didn't also get. I didn't remember all the things they had done for me and was unnecessarily jealous of him. Two things about that:
1. Even though GCbro was given ridiculous amounts of cash, cars, free rent, college tuition, and the downpayment on his house, I just accepted it and never even brought it up. So why did she bring it up?
2. I watched with my own eyes while he was given thousands of dollars in cash and gifts but now "I don't remember" things accurately. That's gaslighting, plain and simple.

I see the mother in this article doing the same thing. She's defending herself over an accusation that no one made, sugar coating things so the therapist pities her. I can actually envision my own mother saying these exact same things to my FOO. "I just don't understand why she won't visit. I did so much for her but she's drinking/on drugs and doesn't remember."

[Call Me Cordelia]

 

I think this mommy dearest knows exactly why but was hoping to get someone with "authority" on her side. Seems just as likely the sister was always the favorite, and the son's possible problems with alcohol developed as a coping mechanism but are also a convenient way for mom to continue to put him down. And his wife's family is actually nice to them.

[biggerfish]

I just read the article. It is so clearly spelled out and i can now see that no amount of explanation would work on my updm.  So thank you.  It helps me close the door.

[overitall]

In my family I watched GC sis get preferential treatment for her entire life....her college and all bills were paid (couldn't expect GC to actually work and study at the same time!)  After fully paid college and room and board, of course she needed a place to stay.....Narents let her rent there second home for $400 month for YEARS....As my other sister and I struggled, we watched GC sis acquire every new toy and gadget available to mankind.....she would play the angel to my parents, but she was so ugly behind their backs...

Fast forward 40 years.....GC sis has no friends....her two children are exactly like her....uBPDm has taken them on trips all over the world, while other grandkids barely receive any acknowledgment of anything....

And she wonders why she has no relationship with her other grandkids...GC sis is waiting for parents to die (in their 80's) so she can collect her paycheck.....

Some people will NEVER get it so there is no reason to even try to discuss it...I've been NC for over 8 years and it was the BEST decision I ever made....I watch my adult kids as they figure it out...just another confirmation for me that FOO is toxic