opinions on if I did the right thing with unBPD stepmom-still having guilt

Started by mrsstrezy, June 12, 2019, 12:09:42 PM

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mrsstrezy

My life has been pretty stressful the past five years.  I've moved twice, had two babies, found out my husband was a sex addict(which he is now in treatment for) and my dad passed away unexpectedly.  In addition to that, my unNPD MIL has acted up during all of these events and made things 15,000x harder than they needed to be.

In addition to that, after my dad passed away, my unBPD stepmom moved back to town(they were previously living out of the country).  I would say my stepmom is "mild" on the BPD spectrum.  Compared to my MIL, she's a walk in the park.  That being said, growing up with her wasn't easy.  She was constantly seeking attention from me and was offended when I didn't give it(as a 10 year old :stars:).  She was extremely possessive of my dad and barely allowed him to have his own hobbies/interests besides her.  As I became a teenager, I avoided her at all costs.  I had no respect for someone who acted like a child and expected our universe to revolve around her. Shortly before I moved out of the house, she told me that "I was the cause of all problems between her and my dad, and she wanted me to move out so she could have her husband to herself now."

When her and my dad moved out of the country, we would go a year plus between communicating, and you know what?  That was GOOD.  Our relationship improved and I could finally look at her without always feeling disgusted.  When I had my first child, she wanted to be very involved and we started communicating more.  When my dad passed away, it was a bit of a traumatic and unexpected thing.  She moved back into town and I felt obligated to try and support her emotionally, even though I too was grieving and probably should have focused more on caring for myself.  Gradually, she started wanting to become more and more enmeshed.  She expected to get together with me weekly and even started suggesting getting together on the weekends in addition.  I would get attention-seeking Voxer messages and text messages.  I finally concluded I needed space.  I had given her my best for about nine months after dad died, but I was pregnant with my second and had severe morning sickness. I decided to ignore a couple text messages.  Well, that ramped her up as you can imagine, and she started to get more needy.  I finally sent her an e-mail.  I explained to her how she made me feel growing up, that I shouldn't have to be responsible for caring for her and her emotional health, and that I just needed peace with everything that had happened over the past few years.  She never responded to the email, but did send me a card saying something along the lines of "I'm sorry you were hurt by my past behavior.  I'll be praying for you".  She didn't speak to me again for seven months, but then sent me a text to see how I was doing.  I was very grey rock and our conversation was brief.  She then sent me an e-mail a couple months after that, asking if she could take my son out for ice cream.  I didn't respond.  This year will mark two years since I wrote that e-mail.  And I STILL feel guilty.  She's not even my parent, technically not even my stepparent anymore, and I still can't get over the guilt.

Sometimes I tell myself, she wasn't THAT bad.  Maybe I should contact her and at least let her be a part of my kids life, because she adored my son(has yet to meet my daughter though, who is now 1).  I think about reaching out, but something always stops me.  I've asked my husband if in his honest opinion I should let her back in, but he says he thinks I "deserve a pass" because of all that I've had to deal with concerning MIL.  I guess the one good thing about her was she was always very supportive when I would vent to her about MIL, and I did appreciate that.  I liked seeing her enjoy time with my son.  I just wish I could have my dad back :'(  He was the buffer that kept everything together.         

SunnyMeadow

You've really been through so much! I'm sorry for all the stress you've endured and for the passing of your dear dad.  :hug:

Sounds to me like you did what you needed to do to protect yourself when your stepmom was becoming more enmeshed. You were right to step back and sort through your feelings. You had enough going on without dealing with her constantly wanting to see you.

You say you think about reaching out but something always stops you. I'd do some deep internal digging to find out what's holding you back. Is it a way to protect yourself and your children? Sounds like when you gave an inch, she took a mile. I'm conflicted about this and don't know that my opinion is very sound. But listen to your gut, not your head or heart but your gut.

appaloosa

I'm sorry for the loss of your dad. You've had a difficult time. I noticed that your step mom said "I'm sorry YOU were hurt by my behavior," NOT "I'm sorry I hurt you with my behavior." She's not accepting any responsibility. My instinct would be to avoid this woman--I def think you did the right thing to (eventually) ignore her advances. Sure, she's lonely now, but so what? Not your problem. Where was she when you needed someone as a child? She told you to move out of the house! People don't radically change, imo, and she's out to fill her needs only. I can't believe she'd be a positive influence for your children.

Penny Lane

mrsstrezy,
So sorry for the loss of your dad and that you're having to deal with drama around your stepmom on top of it.

I think you should listen to your gut when it's stopping you from reaching out.

I just became a stepmom and I think the great thing about step relationships is that the parties themselves get to choose what the relationships are like. Some are very much like regular parenting relationships. Others are more distant but still warm. And yet others just simply don't get along and the best they could hope for is politeness and trying to not be stuck in the same space for too long.

What I'm getting at here is just because she was married to your dad doesn't mean you're obligated to have a certain kind of relationship with her. (That's true of bio parents as well, of course, but I think it's a lot easier with stepparents). And you're certainly not obligated to have the kind of relationship she wants. It sounds like you have a lot of complicated emotional history with her, minus many of the emotional ties you would have if she were your bio parent.

Like I said, you don't have any obligation to her. You do have an obligation to your kids, and your gut is telling you that you shouldn't put her back in touch with them. Maybe that's because you know deep down it wouldn't be good for the kids, even if she loves them. Maybe it's because you know deep down it wouldn't be good for YOU, which is ultimately not good for the kids either. Honor that feeling. This stepmom gives you her blessing to do what's best for your family without guilt!

mrsstrezy

I'm so sorry it's taken so long for me to respond.  I really do appreciate the responses from everyone!

SunnyMeadow-I saw a quote recently that said something to the effect of "if eliminating someone has brought you peace, it was a good decision".  that statement proved totally true.  I should definitely listen to my gut more and not question myself.

Appaloosa-you're totally right in that her loneliness is not my problem.  I guess growing up, she always made me believe her happiness was my problem.  Which has caused some disordered thinking on my part; the constant guilt about the situation and feeling like I need to "help her"

Penny Lane-Thank you for your stepmom blessing!!   :cheers:

Honestly I haven't felt too bad about the situation recently.  I've noticed that when my NPDmil is acting up, I tend to start feeling guilty about my PDstepmom all over again.  One of the things NPDmil said to me during our final conversation was that "I just cut people off whenever they do something I don't like" and now she "knows what it feels like to be my stepmom."  I really let that get to me, because I was already feeling so much guilt.  Her words just get to me so much.


mrsstrezy

Sorry to resurrect this thread, but I feel like I'm struggling again with this!  So I went to a family reunion a few weeks ago, which my stepmom declined to attend.  My aunt(who is still occasionally in contact with my unBPD stepmom) took a picture of my 1 yr old daughter and asked if she could send it to her.  I said "sure."  Well, that was a mistake.  Cue the text.  My stepmom texted and said "I heard you said hello, any chance you would want to get together?"  My husband seems to think I should, as she hasn't yet met my daughter.  I'm just so tired of people's questions on if I've spoken to my stepmom, how she's doing, ect.  I feel awkward answering because I've had pretty much no contact with her for two years now.  I feel like I'm being judged by people; my stepmom isn't severe on the BPD spectrum so most people see her as a "normal" person.  Against my better judgement, I agreed to meet up with her at a public kids playplace so she can see the kids.  Instantly I'm now having trouble sleeping and high anxiety.  Sometimes I wonder if I am the problem, why do I have to get so worked up about this?  But I've never been able to let go of my guilt.  I'm so worried that she's going to try and wedge herself into my life again and try to become enmeshed, and then I'm going to have to set boundaries once again.  Why do these people always have to show up?  Why do I freeze and get butterflies in my stomach every time I receive a text from them?  I already deal with my unNPD MIL and an addict husband, so I feel like my emotional plate is full.  Any suggestions or pointers? 

NumbLotus

How do you feel about backing out? "Sorry, things are crazy right now, I don't think it will work after all." (And be vague about the "why not" and "well can't you just," and to "well how about this orher date" just say you can't).

It's not a clean response. I know it will carry stress in trying to ward off the badgering. It won't just magically go away.

But there is really no benefit to going. It will increase, not decrease, her demands. You'll have to say no eventually anyway, why not now?
Just a castaway, an island lost at sea
Another lonely day, noone here but me
More loneliness than any man could bear

TwentyTwenty

I'm sorry to hear how things are going..

These are my opinions, just thoughts that I would consider if in a similar situation.

First I'd find a way to stop caring what anyone that hasn't walked a mile in my shoes thinks about me. I know who I am, and I know that I'm looking out for my best interests, my family and my future. Folks that don't get me or line up with my goals to improve and enrich my life (tear it down instead) don't matter at all to me.

My well being is of the upmost importance. My ability to parent my young child, do my work, be happy depends on my complete well being and right state of mind. How can I be the best parent, family participant etc if I'm always in distress or recovering from some anxiety induced interactions?

We all (you) deserve to be happy, and free from anything that moves the needle in the wrong direction. I hope you can find the peace & happiness that you deserve!

appaloosa

I like the suggestion above to back off. She almost certainly is going to use any meeting to maneuver her way back into your life. What is the point of meeting her, anyway? To ease guilt that you don't deserve to have in the first place? You don't owe this woman anything. You do owe yourself something--namely your mental well-being which she is already disrupting before you even meet with her. Do you have a therapist you can work with on letting go of guilt? I know it's hard to do. And did you actually tell someone to tell her 'hello'? as she stated, or is she making that up/lying? Sorry you are having this struggle, hugs.

mrsstrezy

Omg, you guys are the best!  thank you so much for all the quick responses.  I can't say how invaluable this forum has been to me. 

NumbLotus- I will consider backing out.  Part of me feels like I should be consistent with my response and follow through with the meetup next week, as I know that the brains of PD people are pretty much an emotional rollercoaster all the time and I wouldn't want to further disturb that.  I almost feel like it would be cruel to cancel my meeting with her after giving her a "glimmer of hope" after two years that we're going to get together. I guess the whole reason I feel so bad about this is because there are kids involved that she'd really like to spend time with.  She feels they're her "only link" to my dad's memory.  If it was just me and I didn't have any kids, I wouldn't care if I never saw the woman again in my life.  I always have this thought at the back of my head too that my dad would be disappointed in me for abandoning her.  But then I think, I'm disappointed in my dad for marrying this person and bringing chaos into our life.   

TwentyTwenty-great point.  I guess I've been conditioned to believe that my feelings are always "wrong", so when I don't want to get together with these people or get anxious in their presence, I'm always thinking I'm the problem and need to get over myself.

Appaloosa-you are absolutely correct, she'll use this opportunity to maneuver herself back in.  I really wish I would have given this more thought before I responded to her; I should have come on here to ask opinions first!!  And honestly yes, the point of meeting her is to ease guilt.  and maybe to get an update on what she's been up to, I admit I am curious.  And YES, therapy is needed.  I did get scheduled with a therapist and met with him a couple times to help process all my issues regarding toxic family members, but it was expensive and he ended up giving pretty poor advice.  His advice was to give my personality disordered family members little bits of attention to pacify them and get myself "brownie points."  Seriously? So I'd love to get set up with someone new, but I'd need to shop around a bit first; like I'd want to see someone who specializes in family members with personality disorders, which seems like it's hard to find.

Overall, at this point I still plan to met up with her next week, but, I will still consider cancelling if my anxiety gets too great. If she pushes for further meetings after that(which I'm expecting she'll do) I'll have to close the door.  at least I gave her the opportunity to meet my daughter once.  Maybe this is something I need to do to confirm with myself that yes, cutting her off was the right decision and then I can fully move forward and stick with minimal to no contact.  From what I've seen on here, sometimes it seems to take a few tries before we can be fully "done" with these people.  I can only assume that since I've already cut her off and upset her, her behavior is probably going to be worse moving forward.

mrsstrezy

GUYS!!

So I've been praying about this quite a bit.  I had told my boss awhile back that I would work on Black Friday if they needed me, and she was going to get back to me on if it was necessary or not.  It was looking like I wasn't going to have to work...but my boss just came in my office and asked me to work on Black Friday, and that's the day I was supposed to get together with my stepmom!!  If that's not a sign, I don't know what is.  I just texted her and told her I wouldn't be able to get together.  Now, help me stay strong because I'm sure she'll be asking for alternate dates...

NumbLotus

She WILL ask for alternate dates.

If you have trouble saying no, at least say you'll have to check calendar or whatever. Do not agree to any dates or anything at all. Don't feel pressured in the moment, better to put it off and think about it and have a strong and true answer rather than feeling cornered by obligation and saying yes.

And, I'm super happy about this serendipity :) What a load off! Yeah, still more conflict to come but NO MEETING NEXT WEEK, YAY!
Just a castaway, an island lost at sea
Another lonely day, noone here but me
More loneliness than any man could bear

mrsstrezy

NumbLotus-

Well, she did text me back and said to let her know if any other dates worked.  I didn't text back.  Today I got home and noticed a package on our front door, and saw that it was addressed to my four yr old son.  I instantly was suspicious.  Open it up, it's a HUGE Star Wars LEGO set.  Must have been over $100.  Sure enough; it's from my stepmom.  It was ordered yesterday, probably after I told her getting together wouldn't work.  I'm horrified.  I feel like this is a guilt-trip manipulation tactic.

WomanInterrupted

If that's not a huge RED FLAG, I don't know what is!   :aaauuugh:

She'll  *of  course* expect some kind of invitation over to watch your son play with the Lego - and so you all can express your thanks, which will be like a drug to her.   :aaauuugh:

Don't do it.  :no:

I'd send it back with a note that says it's too extravagant a gift for such a young child, and she should return it and get her money back. 

If you want to word it a bit more strongly, you can say it's too extravagant a gift *for a child she's met once* - return it and get her money back.   :ninja:

I'd also say you'll let her know  when you can meet up - and then  just *don't* and block her number.   :ninja:

I say that because I get the sense she's going to become a *huge* problem, very quickly - and she's not even related to you.  She has NO rights, and no claim to being called "grandma."

Kids are like an instant supply to people like your stepmom - the younger, the better.  It's when they start having preferences and developing senses of self, that the kids start falling into the categories of GC and Scapegoat - which is going to happen with your kids, too.   :'(

Being that DD is younger, she'll probably be the GC, and your son will get the dreaded Scapegoat label, because he can't go play nicely with that overly-expensive gift she got him - that she didn't NEED to get him, so he should appreciate it - and HER - more.   :dramaqueen: :violin:

The simple fact is if you don't want this person in your life, you don't have to have her in your life.  She is a *step parent* and you were never close.  You owe her nothing - and your DH is wrong about giving her a pass and letting her in.

If you do that, you'll never be rid of her - so why encourage her when you've got no intention of having any sort of relationship with her?

I'd cut cleanly and block her - you don't want her getting ideas about spending the holidays with you, or other future events.  By cutting cleanly, you'll actually be sparing her feelings, instead of letting her build up a false sense of hope that keeps getting dashed.  :yes:

And your own anxiety and tension will fade, too - if you're anxious and tense about meeting her, your body is telling you something, and I'd *listen to it.*

Your body knows - and is telling you, "Don't do it!"  :yes:

Your body is *smart.*  8-)

I grew up with a borderline mother - unBPD Didi - and it's the last thing I'd wish on any child.  I can't imagine she'd have been much better as a grandparent.  She got worse as she aged, too - and your step-mother isn't getting any younger.  Her behavior may have been somewhat tolerable when you were growing up, but now that she's  getting older, one of these days, the PD starts running the show - and that's when all hell breaks loose.  You just never know what they're going to get up to, or what kind of trouble they're going to cause, just because they can.   :sharkbait:

So please - save yourself the pain and fear of having this person in your life by returning her gift and severing contact on all fronts.

You'll thank yourself!  :yes:

:hug:

Fiasco

WI is right. That sets off every alarm bell I have. The gift is inappropriate for your sons age, inappropriate in its extravagance, and aggressively pushy. 

mrsstrezy

WomanInterrupted-thank you don't much for your reply! I'm typically more of a lurker on this site vs a poster, but I've seen some of your previous posts and have gotten a kick out of hearing about "unBPD Didi" (has a nice ring to it :tongue2:) all joking aside, I did end up sending my stepmom a message to thank her for the gift and that I would "let her know" if any future dates would work, fully intending on not giving her any dates to get together.  Today, another package received at my door, this time for my 1 yr old. It looked like it was some fancy place and had a pretty blanket and stuffed animal.  Cue more guilt.

Fiasco-aggressive and pushy is right.  I'm debating if I should now nip this in the bud and send her an email, letting her know that the extravagant gifts are making me uncomfortable and that I don't intend to reconnect with her.  I'm also debating mentioning that my therapist told me what I experienced in my childhood was emotional abuse, and that I will never be emotionally ready to establish a relationship with her.  Maybe that's a bit overboard tho??

Fiasco

MrsStrezy oh boy, if you had any doubts about whether the legos were manipulative, those were answered with the appearance of a second gift after you said you'd get back to her. 🤦‍♀️

I suggest you do not try to speak to her about your therapy or your childhood. It's a "casting your pearls before swine" kind of thing. She's not capable of putting your needs before her own, but I bet she's capable of using this information in whatever way suits her best.

You're well within your rights to not acknowledge this new gift at all. If you do send a word of thanks I'd put my foot down and say "we are not available to get together this holiday season but we hope you have a good one". And then prepare yourself to donate the lovely gifts that are sure to come to your closest charity.

WomanInterrupted

What Fiasco said.  ;D :thumbup: :yeahthat:

I'd only contact her again only to tell her you're not available this holiday season - and then I'd ignore anything more from her, including texts, calls, emails and packages.  :ninja:

As far as future packages go, I wouldn't acknowledge them.  You KNOW what they are - gifts with strings, meant to make the FOG come rolling in.  :P

When you look at a package  and feel  a sense of dread or annoyance - or both - your body is telling you *exactly* what to do with it:  donate it or bin it, but do NOT send it back or respond  to your step-mom in any way.  :yes:

If  you're still feeling a little FOGgy, let me say this:  your father passed away, and I'm very sorry for your loss.

Your step-mother had the loss too, but instead of being sad about losing her husband (if she's anything like unNPD Ray, your dad became an afterthought the week after the funeral, and is only mentioned  if she can get something out of saying she's a widow, pooooor her   :dramaqueen:), she's thinking of her own ageing process and *who will take care of her when she needs help - or even if she doesn't.*   :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh:

If she's being this pushy now, if you give her the chance, she's going to probably be pushing to move in with you, under the guise of being a built-in-babysitter that you don't have to pay; she'll work for room and board and won't that be SO convenient for everybody!?   :sharkbait:

Except it's a LIE - you'll probably go broke on feeding her, all the things she needs at the pharmacy, and all those trips she needs to take to the doctor for things she's super-secretive about, plus all those trips to the ER for more of the same, and she won't be able to afford her medical bills; your father took care of all that but now he's gone and she's just a poor widow who lost half her income...  :violin:

If she's anything like unBPD Didi, her goal is to get a hospital bed in your living room, or to throw you out of your own bedroom, so you can wait on her hand and foot, because you OWE her for raising you.  :stars:

If that nightmare scenario scared the hell out of you, you have the means of preventing it by having no further contact with her, and ignoring all  future attempts.  :yes: :ninja:

She has an *agenda.*  Please remember that - people like your step-mom *always* have some sort of agenda they're working, and once they get it into their head how something is gonna go, you're never going to disabuse them of the idea.  The only thing you can do is not play the game and go NC.

It's your best - and only, IME - defense.

:hug:

Psuedonym

Hey there mrsstrezy,

I don't know if you listen to Richard Grannon much but he has tons of words of wisdom about PDs. One I heard the other day (I'll try to find the link) is: whatever you're feeling after you sever ties with a PD, it's pretty much guaranteed its the emotion the PD wants you to feel. If you're feeling guilty, you're probably not acknowledging the amount of guilt tripping you were subject to...in other words, its a symptom of how you've been treated.

And what you described here is worldclass guilt tripping. She sees a crack of light in the door and immediately tries to barge it open by sending an over the top present. Nice one. It might help you to read the book Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker, it helped me quite a lot. You may not think you have C-PTSD, but if you're suffering that much toxic guilt, you do. See my post Toxic Guilt in going NC if you want to read more about it.

And here's a great article on covert narcissism: http://parenting.exposed/2018/06/


mrsstrezy

Fiasco-you're right, I won't be speaking to her about therapy.  I'll also hold off on sending an e-mail unless she starts getting pushy again.  At this point, I don't think I'm going to acknowledge the second gift and wait until she texts me again to badger me for dates, at which point I'll let her know that I don't plan on reconnecting at this time.

WomanInterrupted-you are so right!!  When I saw both gifts, I got this sinking feeling in my stomach and immediately anxiety started kicking in.  It's sad that I now have to be suspicious about what packages arrive at my door.  I'm kind of terrified she's going to show up at my church, because she knows where I go; she went to that church for years.  And there is no way in a million hells that I'd let her move into my home, LOL, so I'm not necessarily concerned that scenario would play out.  But you make valid points.  No amount of attention or care is ever enough for BPD people and the issues would keep escalating if I even opened the door a little bit for her.

Pseudonym-I went back and read the article you posted on Toxic Guilt....very good read, and definitely applicable, thank you.  The article you also posted about covert narcissism fits my MIL TO A TEE.  There are some portions of it that are applicable to my stepmom, but I really don't think she's a full blown narcissist.  I'm pretty sure she's just BPD at this point, which is enough, lol.  I have considered the possibility that I have c-PTSD, but when I looked it up and refreshed myself as to the definition, I only have one or two of the symptoms.  I guess I'm also terrified of having that as a diagnosis because I read that it can have symptoms similar to BPD!!  That's hard to swallow, I would never in a million years want to act anything like my stepmom or MIL.  But I do know I definitely need to work on the guilt factor, I suppose I need to start changing the way I think.