I’m going to runaway

[Spirit in the sky]

Not only do I have my NMIL and her toxic behaviour but I'm dealing with my parents co-dependency problems.

I went to see my parents after work and was met by my hysterical mother, panicking because my father was bleeding after having his catheter changed. He let the district leave knowing it wasn't right then started complaining to my mother who is unless in a crisis. He refused to phone the doctor, she refused to phone the doctor and both decided to just wait until I arrived.

Two so called responsible adults couldn't make a phone call to get the nurse back. When I asked why neither of them could sort it out, my mother decides to cry, father starts shouting. 

Feeling stressed and exhausted and ready to runaway, far away !

[SerenityCat]

  So sorry you went through that, sounds exhausting and horrible.

I hope that you can find some good ways to relax and recover.

I wonder if you can plan ahead for next time. Maybe immediately walk out if they cry and shout? Maybe walk out and call 911 to request a welfare check on them if need be?

[WomanInterrupted]

Oh good grief!  I'm so sorry you're living with clones of unBPD Didi and unNPD Ray!   

It's enough to drive you mad!   

The two of them can't put together a single brain-wave to call the nurse and ask her to come back.  Somehow that becomes YOUR job, and they like to reinforce it by saying you're the only one who knows what to DO at times like that (until they don't like what you have to say, then you know NOTHING!).   

If I walked into a jackpot like that, I think I'd take a deep breath, smile and say, "Well, I'm sure you'll figure out something.  You're both intelligent people." - and LEAVE, *immediately.* 

I wouldn't care if I just got there - I'd leave and let them figure it out on their own, because eventually, one of them will - or they'll call their doctor who will tell them to call the visiting nurse.

I mean, it's not rocket science, and I can't tell you how many times I had to fight  down the urge to scream, "How the hell have you people managed to SURVIVE to this point!?" 

The only thing that helped with Didi and Ray was *refusing* to get involved in any of their messes.  If "somebody" (me) needed to call the doctor FOR them - well, that just wasn't happening.   I'd either hang up or leave so *they* could see to their own needs, which would make them very upset, but they *would* eventually come up with some solution, without my help - and often gloat that it was better than anything I could have or would have done.

Of course.   

I  think you're *really* going to have to play hardball with them, unless you want two helpless waifs, thinking you should be their on-call SLAVE - or you need to move in with them, or move them into yours, where you can wait on them hand and foot, while they slowly drive you insane. 

If I were you - and I was once upon a time    - I'd cut back on phone contact and visits, to the point you're LC or VVVVVLC and let *them figure out their own messes.* 

If they can't - or won't - that's not your problem.  They're allowed to make all the bad choices they want, but it is not your responsibility to bail them out, which is really *covering for them and pretending things are actually more normal than they really are.*

Sometimes when you step out of the picture, the people who really need to see what's going on, get to see it - and your parents will get the help they *need* and not the help they think you owe them.

In that way, stepping out of the picture is actually doing them a *kindness* - although they'll never see it that way! 

But you have to think of yourself, first  - and there's only so much *feigned helplessness* that you can take!   

[Spirit in the sky]

So sorry you went through that, sounds exhausting and horrible.

I hope that you can find some good ways to relax and recover.

I wonder if you can plan ahead for next time. Maybe immediately walk out if they cry and shout? Maybe walk out and call 911 to request a welfare check on them if need be?

Thanks Serenity Cat,

I wasn't have a good day anyway and that just made things worse. Once I calmed down and not things into perspective I was ok.

[Spirit in the sky]

Oh good grief!  I'm so sorry you're living with clones of unBPD Didi and unNPD Ray!   

It's enough to drive you mad!   

The two of them can't put together a single brain-wave to call the nurse and ask her to come back.  Somehow that becomes YOUR job, and they like to reinforce it by saying you're the only one who knows what to DO at times like that (until they don't like what you have to say, then you know NOTHING!).   

If I walked into a jackpot like that, I think I'd take a deep breath, smile and say, "Well, I'm sure you'll figure out something.  You're both intelligent people." - and LEAVE, *immediately.* 

I wouldn't care if I just got there - I'd leave and let them figure it out on their own, because eventually, one of them will - or they'll call their doctor who will tell them to call the visiting nurse.

I mean, it's not rocket science, and I can't tell you how many times I had to fight  down the urge to scream, "How the hell have you people managed to SURVIVE to this point!?" 

The only thing that helped with Didi and Ray was *refusing* to get involved in any of their messes.  If "somebody" (me) needed to call the doctor FOR them - well, that just wasn't happening.   I'd either hang up or leave so *they* could see to their own needs, which would make them very upset, but they *would* eventually come up with some solution, without my help - and often gloat that it was better than anything I could have or would have done.

Of course.   

I  think you're *really* going to have to play hardball with them, unless you want two helpless waifs, thinking you should be their on-call SLAVE - or you need to move in with them, or move them into yours, where you can wait on them hand and foot, while they slowly drive you insane. 

If I were you - and I was once upon a time    - I'd cut back on phone contact and visits, to the point you're LC or VVVVVLC and let *them figure out their own messes.* 

If they can't - or won't - that's not your problem.  They're allowed to make all the bad choices they want, but it is not your responsibility to bail them out, which is really *covering for them and pretending things are actually more normal than they really are.*

Sometimes when you step out of the picture, the people who really need to see what's going on, get to see it - and your parents will get the help they *need* and not the help they think you owe them.

In that way, stepping out of the picture is actually doing them a *kindness* - although they'll never see it that way! 

But you have to think of yourself, first  - and there's only so much *feigned helplessness* that you can take!   

Thanks Women Interrupted,

They kept my Dad in hospital for a few days so everyone had time to calm down. I phoned to see how he was but didn't visit as I was working. The old me would have rushed home from work and went straight to the hospital everyday.

I did have to pick him on Saturday because they wouldn't let him out on his own, but I didn't cancel my plans. I still went out for lunch and collected him when it suited me.

I don't make myself too easily available, when I go walking the don't take my phone. I love spending 2-3 walking in nature and whatever drama is happening will still be there when I get back. They have all the emergency contact numbers on a whiteboard so I'm sure if it's bad enough one of them will make the effort.

I have been overly stressed with NMIL and everything seems to be triggering me lately. 

[lightworld]

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this, I totally get it, it's so overwhelming when you are expected to take responsibility for someone else's life and happiness.  I lived like that for years but what WI says is right IMHO, look after yourself iirst, this is taking immense amounts of your energy . Perhaps think of putting boundaries in place for yourself, what you are willing to do and what you are not and stick to it. Also being prepared with some suitable responses, with no explanation or justification helped me, like I can't do that now or sorry got to go crisis at home, byeeeee.

It's good that you are taking time for yourself and you have every right to be present in you own life and not be dreading the phone ringing or the next crisis in other people's  chaotic lives.

Stay strong.

[lostsister]

I need to run away also.

[lkdrymom]

If they are capable of making their own decisions then they are capable of dealing with the consequences.  My father would have an issue but wouldn't call the doctor .  He'd wait until the weekend then call me when the doctor wasn't open and expect me to figure out what to do. Just what I wanted....to spend several hours in the ER for a non-emergency. All the while he thinks he is doing me a 'favor' by waiting until the weekend so I didn't have to miss work.

[Zebrastriped]

Spirit in the Sky, my parents did this also.  They waited (more than an hour) for me to arrive when uBPDmom had a medical issue.  I was the one to call the docs to get advice and ultimately to get my dad to call 911.  It was ludicrous.  She wound up in a therapy place for six weeks.  My dad visited all day, everyday.

It took alot of yelling at the steering wheel for me to gain perspective.  Good for you for putting your plans first.

[2_exhausted]

 ....I want to run away as well!

As I was reading your post about the post catheter bleeding, what dis they expect you to do? Insert one for your dad? My uBPD mom is a waif and I cannot deal with it..when my mom fell at my aunt's 6 months ago, my aunt called and wanted me to drive there to pick her up off of the floor....ummm NO. My aunt was screaming that she could not, and I stated, "dial 911, she probably fractured her hip". My aunt insisted my mom did not (because in her whacked out mind, nothing goes wrong on her watch), but in my sane & nursing mind, my mom is 89, has osteoporosis, and had been refusing to eat, so she went from a size 12, to a 2, if not smaller.....so hip fracture was in the real, of reality.

I am too matter of fact for my family's liking....

I am sorry you have to deal with it...bravo to you for not running there after work..take care of yourself.