The stories they tell themselves

all4peace · June 13, 2019, 09:55:48 PM

My backstory is that we've lived next door to likely PD ILs for more than 2 decades. Our kids are nearly grown now, and they're turning into wonderful young people, but it has been a huge strain on our marriage and family to deal with the antics of DH's family.

His likely uNBPDm has ignored our son and very much focused on our DD. With the help of this forum, we finally set boundaries, and DH has moved into a place of standing between his family and ours. When we set boundaries, they were repeatedly and immediately violated, so instead of us finding a place of stability with DH's parents, we're at VVVVLC.

And it still doesn't stop. MIL has to go through DH, and she hates it. She treats him with barely concealed contempt, and rarely comes within 10 feet of me and DD when we're in public. We have had a couple family events, and she is nearly silent. I'm polite, we exchange a few sentences, and that is it.

Recently she attempted yet another manipulative maneuver to try to get DD alone at their house. DD didn't want to be alone there, DH stood in the middle and offered a very reasonable alternative, and MIL refused. DD asked DH to please handle it for her, as she is weary and frustrated with MIL's attempts to reach her. She's uncomfortable and does not want to be alone with ILs, and knows that ignoring the situation simply leads to MIL pushing and pushing. DD is a teen. She has better things to do. So, DH agreed to be clear about MIL's options, which did not include what MIL wanted.

Cue immediate waify pleading "tell me what to do!!!" response from MIL. It made my heart hurt to see how much fear DH has of angering his mother. There is still a small boy inside him that wants to do ANYthing except anger her. With his permission, I used my voice to confront her directly for the first time in years. It felt great to call out her damaging behavior, invite her to choose the options we've given her, and ask her to stop repeating the same questions she has asked (and we've answered) repeatedly before.

In MIL's original response, she spoke to DH as if we were controlling DD and keeping her from her beloved and loving grandparents. There was no place for DD's feelings. It was simply not even part of the conversation, the consideration of what DD wants. It seemed to have been assumed that DD loves her grandparents, WANTS to be with them, and that we are cruel and controlling parents keeping her from them.

There was also no respect for DH, no acknowledgement of his place in our family, no sign that what he says matters. There has not been and continues to not be any effort from her to speak to her son, remain on contact with her son, or build a relationship with him. Just the attempts to reach DD, over and over and over.

My brain knows it's unlikely anything will change, but sometimes it still startles me all over again.

notrightinthehead · June 14, 2019, 01:29:03 AM

Well done to you for protecting your daughter and standing by your man! Applause

Call Me Cordelia · June 14, 2019, 06:04:27 AM

It is stunning how there is no consideration for the feelings of the person they "want," either. Nobody else's perspective even registers despite all evidence. It's simply taken for granted that your daughter wants to spend time and you are the bad ones. They feel it so therefore it is true? Maybe? Compared to all the doubt and uncertainty people like us experience, it is like a whole different planet.

Once when I was a child, 8 or so, I was introduced unexpectedly to a bunch of my uNF's relatives. No, not introduced. Six people showed up unannounced in our yard while I was playing outside. All these old people started crying and jabbering at me in a foreign language and trying to hug me. UNgrandpa was there but stood aloof from these proceedings, gave me no reassurance or acknowledgement whatsoever. No idea who they were or what was going on. I was scared and ran away! Then I was punished for being so rude! I had put a damper on the "happy family reunion." My feelings did not exist for any of the people present. If they do show up they are to be squashed immediately and back to the predetermined PD agenda. That is all that exists in their minds.

To me it was a revelation as an adult that I even had feelings. And that they were important. Just as important as theirs, and even more so. Just that one truth blew the "relationship" with my parents sky-high. There's no ability to reason or compromise or see things from someone else's point of view. And when their tactics don't work, well they haven't got many others. So repeat repeat repeat repeat. It's up to the non to shut it down, because I really do think the PD brain doesn't have the resources to get "unstuck." I think that's what you saw, the PD mind clinging to a narrow idea of what she wants. Clinging for dear life, and not able to grasp how she is sabotaging that very thing by doing so. It is disturbing and very very sad. Honestly I'm always amazed how you are able to be so close physically. You must have boundaries of steel.

candy · June 14, 2019, 09:21:06 AM

Chances are high your standing up for your DD and your DH, won't change your MIL or ILs or the way their brains are wired.

Unfortunately that is part of the NBPD: being unempathetic, understanding their children and grandchildren as extensions of themselves with no individual feelings or needs. Grandma ,,needs" to see DD? Than that's what DD has to think and feel.

It is exhausting to oppose a pattern of thinking that is so very rigid in its self-centeredness.
When my NB(2)PDF is in a bad mood, he refuses to say hello or smile at my toddler. It breaks my heart watching that little kid trying to cheer up her grumpy grandfather. I've told him to play nice. Otherwise he won't see her. We live very close, too.

Kids are not on this world to cheer up adults. The same goes for my NPDMIL. Me and DD are NC because MIL wasn't able to put a baby's needs first.

They won't change. They won't think it through and finally have a moment of understanding. Like Cordelia wrote they are limited in a very sad way. All we can do is protect our kids, like I did it for my DD, like you did it for your DD.

Look how far you've come - confronting her directly for the first time in years. You stood up for your FOC, that is brave and strong, the right thing to do. Your DD will know that for her mom, you, her feelings do matter and that she'll fight like a bear for her. IMO that is the most important thing for a teenager to know about their parents.

On here I often read about picking our battles wisely. To my mind that's what you did - you picked the right battle, one that has to be fought. Bravo, All4peace, I mean it!

I am writing this with my toddler sleeping on my chest. DD is ill and needs comfort and reassurance. Becoming a parent I signed up for this and I love it. What a gift to have it in us to become our strongest selves to protect them?
Be it the toddler, the teenager or the little boys and girls inside the DHs and us, they all need protection... you did great!

bloomie · June 14, 2019, 09:21:30 AM

all4peace - I truly love how you and your DH have circled the wagons around your family and are moving into and out of being the key point person in communicating with your in laws as the situation calls for. This is strengthening the message that you are a united front and a hedge of protection around your family - DD in particular in this situation.

QuoteIt made my heart hurt to see how much fear DH has of angering his mother. There is still a small boy inside him that wants to do ANYthing except anger her.

This is indeed heartbreaking to bear witness to and understandable when a son's tender heart is involved. That your love, voice, wisdom is there to shore him up at these moments, to comfort him and be a safe and sacred space for him and your family - wow, the perfect antidote to the emotional abandonment your DH repeatedly experiences from his mother and family.

QuoteIn MIL's original response, she spoke to DH as if we were controlling DD and keeping her from her beloved and loving grandparents. There was no place for DD's feelings. It was simply not even part of the conversation, the consideration of what DD wants. It seemed to have been assumed that DD loves her grandparents, WANTS to be with them, and that we are cruel and controlling parents keeping her from them.

This... there is this saying out there..."control the narrative, control the world".

Message control tactics is what I think of this kind of thing as, and they are extremely frustrating because they are powerful in the greater familial/social dynamic as well as the one on one communications. It is also a high risk game because getting their "story" out there first through provocative offensive accusation - that your DD is being withheld from her loving extended family, and repeating it, immediately invalidates your DD and places her in the position of something to be controlled and withheld, not a human being with feelings, opinions, freedom of choice.

You rightly and wisely identify the risk to her and how invalidating, provocative, and disrespectful this is and you and your DH restore her to a position of honor and respect her personhood as you continue to fight for her. Just beautiful to hear, but also so painful to experience.

Call Me Cordelia · June 15, 2019, 11:17:51 AM

Wanted to add THANK YOU for being such a good mom!

all4peace · June 18, 2019, 06:54:36 AM

Thank you for the responses.

Despite both of us clearly offering her the option of visiting our home to deliver DD's gift, she has not. It got mailed in a torn, tattered envelope (sigh, eyeroll). We can always, always count on her to choose the victimy, waifish option.

And.....they chose to inform us that they're traveling with the parents of some of our best friends. People they barely knew until they became aware of our friendship, one that extends to our kids and our friends' kids. At first FIL attempted to befriend the male of our friend couple. When our friend didn't take the bait, he apparently moved on to the friend's father.

I feel like sometimes I'm writing a script for a soap opera, but seriously people you can't make this stuff up. DH and I (and our friends) have no idea what to do except gag, sigh, and go on to keep on trying to live our best lives.

CMD, what a frightening and bewildering experience for you as a child! What a total lack of empathy from all involved adults!

Candy, thank you for your kind and cheerleading words. I love the picture of you tenderly caring for your own child, despite you clearly not receiving that in childhood from at least 1 parent.

Bloomie, it clarifies it for me to read your words, as I immediately think of "objectification." I'm thankful that DD immediately recognizes this behavior as manipulative and "off." I appreciate your support of my actions as a wife. I'm sorry to say that for many, many years I was not in a place of support of him and more trying to push him to handle his family as I wanted him to. I'm thankful that we're moving into a much better place at this point in our marriage. It helps to have a hedge of boundaries around us, to give us the safety and space to heal and learn better ways.

all4peace · June 23, 2019, 06:07:42 AM

We hadn't seen this tactic for a few years, but just received a belated bday card to DD in which the family member requested instantaneous acknowledgement of the card. It was from Shark SIL and she provided email and cell # so that DD could immediately contact her to let her know the card had been received.

DD always, always acknowledges cards and gifts. Not within 24 hrs, but within 2 weeks.

So, DH (at DD's request) let his sister know that the card had been received by DD (I wish he'd let it be and let Shark SIL wait for the thank-you card from DD, like any regular person). Sometimes I really do wonder how dumb they must think we are. (or even DD?) DD immediately saw the manipulation and sighed.

Cat of the Canals · June 23, 2019, 04:29:31 PM

Good god, you must have the patience of a saint, all4peace.

I'm trying to imagine the amount of joy/glee/triumph (I really don't know what to call it) someone would get from the little birthday card manipulation. It's so small and petty. How can it possibly be worth it?

all4peace · June 23, 2019, 08:41:00 PM

Shark SIL is starting to very closely resemble her mother in behavior. And what I've long said about uNBPDmil is that she can create chaos out of thin air. It's like the oxygen she breathes. It's much, much less than it used to be, but enough to remind me why we have our current level of contact.

I agree with you, so strange and weird.