Am i the only one?

[beacartoonheart]

I have been nc with my bpd mother for a little over 3 years now. I've found out that she kept a lot from me, family, friends a childhood.... She lied a lot and made up her own truths, it took me 30 years to figure out she had a disorder. She played the victim and i tried time and time again to save her. I feel very lost, i feel like i don't know what part of my life was a lie vs the truth. I don't know how much i have been brainwashed. I have family members trying to reach out to me because my mother kept me from them but i was made to believe they were terrible people the same way she is making people believe i am the terrible person now. Is there anyone out there who feels the same way? I feel like i don't know who i am anymore, who to trust... I'm not even sure i can trust myself because i am unsure if my memories were infulenced....it is breaking me.

[Foxbrown]

Beacartoonartist I can assure you you are definitely not alone. I am ashamed that I can't trust anyone, not even those that are being good to me and supporting me through NC. If our own mothers can deceive and lie and abuse and mentally torture us then how on earth can we be expected to trust others. It's heartbreaking. The damage is still ongoing after NC. I feel like I am on high alert 24/7 and analyse everyone and everything. I can not just "be" I always think everyone has an ulterior motive. I have always been drawn to toxic people ( typical empath ) so even now I feel quite educated on the subject of PD's I still can't seem to trust my judgement of anything.

It's a very lonely journey, and I feel your pain. I wish there was something more positive I could offer you but I'm still relatively new to coming Out of the FOG. I get what you are saying and I understand how you feel though.

All I keep saying to myself is that one day it will all become clear why we must walk this path and it will all be worth it in the end. Anything has to beat a lifetime of abuse, right?

[Foxbrown]

And I've just realised I used the wrong name, my apologies!

[lostsister]

You are not alone!  There are many of us in the same shoes....unfortunately.  Just read through things here.  Write your unsent letter getting it all out....trust me that helps a lot.  Don't argue or try to reason with her; there is no reasoning with them.  They are always right and everyone else is always wrong.  It has taken me 7 years to get where I am today.  I had posted here for a long time under another user name.....fearing that my sister had found this site when I told her she was a narcissist and to look up BPD (big mistake).  A coworker whose dad is a narcissist told me about this site.  It saved me.  It hurts.  I know.  Just keep your head up.