Why can't I leave?

[Blackbird11]

Im trying to do an in home separation. But why don't I just end it? Why can I not find the courage to do that? Even my H asked if I just want to go ahead and divorce. And I couldn't say yes.

Why do I not feel strong enough to do this?

[Starboard Song]

Because this is really hard: it is actually hard.

Because it is one of the irrevocabele decisions in life, and that is scary.

Because maybe it will upend so much of your support structure and patterns of life, and that feels risky.

Because maybe deep down inside you view divorce as failure, and that is disappointing.

It is perfectly rational to have a hard time with this, so be ever so kind to yourself.


But you CAN do this, if it is right for you. If it is the best for you starting from where you are. If you can get away from the environment, and have a few hours with two or three trusted friends, you can navigate to the "right" answer, and that may give you the strength to follow that compass all the way.

So much good strength to you.

[bohemian butterfly]

Blackbird11,

As I read this, I felt your pain and anguish and I wish that you didn't have to go through this.  Sending hugs and much love to you.

Starboard Song is right, this is hard work.  Please know that you are not alone.

I've read your posts and you seem like such a kind and loving soul.  Please be so patient and kind to yourself.  One step at a time, one breath at a time. 

I was thinking today, how strong we all are.  I mean, we are the ones making this emotional decision (that is in our best interest) but feels so gosh darn painful.  Your probably thinking if I feel this pain, there must be something wrong with my decision.  No, if you are feeling pain it is because you are making the right decision, but it is just challenging getting there. 

You have taken a first step, you have declared home separation.  You have a lawyer and if I remember correctly, you also have a therapist? 

Just keep walking.  You've already made a major move (changed the dynamics in the relationship).  Just breathe and take another step.

Please know that I am in a similar boat.  It helps to know that others get this, have walked a similar path and have made it through (although it stinks that other people are going through this)

Take care.  Keep posting.  We are here.

[Blackbird11]

Thank you both. I really take everyone's responses to heart and re-read over and over again.

Had another therapy session and while I couldn't yet say "I want a divorce," I was as honest as I could be: I'm not happy. This relationship is killing me inside. We can't ever go back to what was.

After a very emotional and at times heightened back and forth, we seemed to have a breakthrough for my H - he now sees that he was trying to manipulate the in-home separation so he could somehow win me back.

He called me after the session (we take separate cars) and we had a pretty reasonable chat. He realizes it's his turn to mourn our relationship, because it will never exist as it was again no matter how we move forward. He kept trying to throw his emotions at me and he now knows that he has to own them and deal with them himself.

He also now realizes he wasn't allowing me the space I truly need for the separation. He apologized and is now ready to do it in a healthier way that will give me that space.

It felt like progress and I am happy with that outcome for now.

I am going to try to stop judging myself for not being further along. A lot of friends and family know that we are separated and working through issues now, and some have expressed to me that I should have kicked him out already. They are almost angry that I haven't.

It's always easier to tell someone else how to do something. It's different when you're actually going through it yourself.

Taking it one day at a time. My timeline is my timeline.

[bohemian butterfly]

Thank you both. I really take everyone's responses to heart and re-read over and over again.

Had another therapy session and while I couldn't yet say "I want a divorce," I was as honest as I could be: I'm not happy. This relationship is killing me inside. We can't ever go back to what was.

After a very emotional and at times heightened back and forth, we seemed to have a breakthrough for my H - he now sees that he was trying to manipulate the in-home separation so he could somehow win me back.

He called me after the session (we take separate cars) and we had a pretty reasonable chat. He realizes it's his turn to mourn our relationship, because it will never exist as it was again no matter how we move forward. He kept trying to throw his emotions at me and he now knows that he has to own them and deal with them himself.

He also now realizes he wasn't allowing me the space I truly need for the separation. He apologized and is now ready to do it in a healthier way that will give me that space.

It felt like progress and I am happy with that outcome for now.

I am going to try to stop judging myself for not being further along. A lot of friends and family know that we are separated and working through issues now, and some have expressed to me that I should have kicked him out already. They are almost angry that I haven't.

It's always easier to tell someone else how to do something. It's different when you're actually going through it yourself.

Taking it one day at a time. My timeline is my timeline.

Yes!  This is such great news! 

And not that you need any validation at all, but the following statement is HUGE!
"and some have expressed to me that I should have kicked him out already. They are almost angry that I haven't."

And yes, to the following as well,
"It's always easier to tell someone else how to do something. It's different when you're actually going through it yourself."

Keep walking, keep walking!

[EnufZnuf]

 I feel you. I finally moved out after nearly 27 years, and I knew something was wrong 25 years ago. It took me that long to move out,  and I'm still dragging my feet about having the divorce papers served. Of course there is the port where she threatens blackmail if I divorce her. I'm almost to the point of I don't care.

I can't say this, For whatever it's worth, I regret not doing it years ago.

[Blackbird11]

Joint therapy session tomorrow and feeling sort of unsure about what to say there.

uPDh and I continue to be separated but in the home. It has gotten easier since our last therapy session - he actually is giving me space and being civil/friendly when we do interact.

He tries to push some boundaries - he stuck his head in my room to look around the other day after he came to tell me something about our kid. It wasn't threatening but as I'm trying to keep a boundary (so he doesn't think I'm trying to get back together with him), I just ignored it and continue gray rock/medium chill.

He also tried to send me a funny article via text. I didn't respond because again - don't want to give the wrong impression.

I know I should bring up ending the relationship. I hope I can find the courage to do that.

[Blackbird11]

Session ended. Typing quickly so hope this makes sense.

I was hoping to just turn the in-house separation into a physical separation for additional time to process and get things together.

uPDh basically said if he's moving out we're probably done anyway - he doesn't believe in separation, apparently. So then the conversation naturally shifted to divorce. And I reiterated how sad I have been in the relationship. It seems the only way forward at this point. I don't trust him anymore. And now that he has decided he doesn't want to live in limbo - well ok. Divorce it is. 

It was a very hard session. We both cried and even laughed at some points. He said that he hasn't been very happy in the marriage either, but then on the other hand really wants to try again. I said I have no more tries left in me.

It's so difficult to see the person we love in there, but to know the other side - the part that is hurtful towards us - exists within the same human being.

He admitted to the behavior. He apologized for it. And he said if he had felt as badly as I did he wouldn't have been able to handle it as well as I have. Don't get me wrong - he tried to jab me too, wanted me to applaud him for all his progress, get me to feel bad for him (he has no friends, no support system, no savings), and he also tried to pass some blame off to me - which I'm not opposed to.

I'm flawed. I've made bad decisions. I've made mistakes. But I think I was a good wife. I was faithful to him for over a decade. I was there for him when other people weren't. My family embraced him as one of their own.

It's hard because this was what I wanted - acknowledgment, apology, a true attempt to connect with me. Empathy for what I endured. And now he's doing it too late. The damage has been done to me. I wish I had it in me to just try again. It would be easier than the journey we're about to embark on - selling the house, dividing our lives, splitting custody.

[Blackbird11]

Ok - update: got home and he cornered me for two hours trying to convince me that he was committed to change and begged me not to divorce him. He said he has told his family and friends the reality of what happened and isn't trying to sugarcoat it.

I just kept saying my truth: Im not happy and I deserve my freedom.

He said he understands if I still need to file but he wanted me to try to give it a few more months.

What a mind f*** this rollercoaster is.

[cant turn back]

Typical.
I'm so sorry BB.
It's SO SO hard.
On the other hand, speaking truth and no longer sucking it up to take care of someone else's feelings ahead of yours, it is so freeing.  You deserve to speak your peace and not be harassed or bullied.  He is doing whatever he can to restore previous functioning.  But, you are strong, you are saying how you feel.  These are not bad things.  I used to tell my ex "do you really want a wife who doesn't love you anymore".  My ExH also told me that he told his family, as if this was some huge move.  Grasping at straws to find the words that would lull me back into the coma of our marriage.  Yes, trying again WOULD be easier than what is in front of you.  But at what cost?  How many more years will be lost?  Will you feel good about yourself?  Is that truly what you want?  If you think there is a chance that things could change/improve, for real, maybe you should reconsider.  For me I just felt so inauthentic, I was embarrassed by my ExH and our marriage in no way resembled what it look like on the outside.  I fell out of love.  It is allowed, we are human.  Growth and change are not bad.  Sometimes painful, sometimes uncomfortable.  But, better to manage those and fight for yourself, than to stay stuck in fear, unfulfilled and unhappy.
That's my perspective anyway.
I do know how hard it is.  I was with my ExH for 30 years, starting In high school.   I've not known anything else.  But, whether or not I ever find something better is irrelevant to me.  I just could no longer reconcile how our relationship was, and that this was the model I was giving our teenage daughter.
Keep posting, support is here for you.

[Poison Ivy]

My then husband said that when he told his dad that we were getting a divorce, his dad cried.  This enraged me (although not to the point of me yelling or anything).  I believe that his dad cried.  But I don't think that his dad was sad about me personally.  Instead, I think my former FIL was upset that I had done something that revealed that he and his family are dysfunctional.  Also, my former FIL was the source of many of the problems in our marriage but at no time did he cop to this or try to stop doing the things that I thought were interfering with the marriage. 

[Blackbird11]

Thank you can't turn back. I think I have fallen out of love with him. I told him we could continue the separation for a few more weeks to see if anything inside of me would open to the possibility of reconciliation. Obviously still not enough time to see if he can change - that would take years.

Even though I told him I wasn't going to file and would remain in the in-home separation, I am holding steadfast to separate bedrooms and no physical contact.

I really don't think I'm going to wake up one day and feel like we can give it another shot. I am fine with giving more time though as we're in a tough financial situation anyway and he is being calm/civil. I just have to maintain my boundaries.

Poison Ivy, it is so tough with telling family. Especially when they enjoy being in denial. My uPDh's husband are well aware of his issues and ever so happy to let me deal with them alone - because at least he wasn't bothering them. Some of them also don't believe in divorce - they have actually said it will hurt our children. So the better solution is an unhappy home then? I stopped caring what people think at this point.

[bohemian butterfly]

Blackbird11,

I'm struggling with this as well.  I am almost there........  I just can't take that last step.

I get it, I mean I really, really get it. 

And you questioned your courage.  From what I know of you from your postings, you are one of the most courageous people I know!   

You wrote:  "I think I have fallen out of love with him."    I feel like I have also fallen out of love with my boyfriend.  I'm just filled with anger right now.  I feel sick when I see him walking towards me, trying to hug me.  I feel like there is this invisible string keeping me attached (etheric energy trauma bond cord?)

I also get the family in denial.  I am so fearful that my boyfriend will call my parents and cry to them ( a few of my boyfriends have done this in the past).  My mother is uBPD and she just looooves it when this happens.  My ex-husband called my mother and talked to her for an hour.  He convinced her that I was an alcoholic and mentally unstable.  She called me and asked me if I was an alcoholic.  I was so angry.  So I am nervous about backlash from all ends.  I am worried that I will be swarmed.  I am worried about being ambushed.

A divorce will not hurt the children.  You are right in questioning this logic.  A couple that stays together (for the children) who are totally miserable is not healthy. 

You got this!  Baby steps.  Every day, one foot in front of the other.  You are not alone!  -BB

[Blackbird11]

Thank you BB! This place has really become my tribe. Nobody else "gets" it unless they live with this craziness.

I had a health thing come up this week and I told my uPDh because we have a kid and I wanted him to be aware. He was very supportive and kind - and I almost said "...can we try again?" I do think he was genuine in his concern and helpfulness.

But I remember what I have gone through with him. I wrote it all down. And I remember that the only reason I feel a little better and happier lately is because I separated myself - imagine what could happen if I took it all the way?

[Arkhangelsk]

Blackbird -
Sending you love from the other side.  I remember when I was where you are.  It seemed impossible to move.

Once I filed for divorce, it took over 3 years to get it done.  I did not move out.  I should have.  Other people on this forum took each of my fears about doing it and explained why they were distortions.  And I did not listen.  Now - I wish I had.  But now I am so much less confused.  So, be gentle with yourself.  You feel murky and confused because someone is actively trying to keep you that way.  But you will create space at your own pace and clarity will come.  You will feel the clarity like little bread crumbs leading you out of the swamp.

There is so much light and love on the other side of this.  If you learn how to set boundaries and surround yourself with people who love without the manipulation, you will find so much happiness.  I wish many good things for you.

[Blackbird11]

Arkhangelsk - I really hope I get that clarity. I'm very low right now. My depression and anxiety has kicked in. I just don't feel strong enough to make it all happen yet.

[bigchanges]

I am so sorry for the depression and anxiety that is kicking in. I literally never had anxiety in my entire life until I started this process of separation and divorce, and anxiety REALLY STINKS! My therapist was trying to explain to me that it is heavily influenced by doing something different than what you've been doing, and conflicting feelings as well. The best you can do is try to manage it, deep breathing, exercising, focusing on positive thoughts and remembering what a good person you are. She says that over time, it will get better. I'm still in the throws of it, learning how to deal and accept that I'm feeling the feelings and trying to take it easy on myself.

My thoughts are with you!

[Frankie14]

Arkhangelsk - I really hope I get that clarity. I'm very low right now. My depression and anxiety has kicked in. I just don't feel strong enough to make it all happen yet.

You will know when you are ready...you are not in a rush..you have physical space from him, separate bedrooms and do not have to have relations with him...

You are separating yourself, find your own interests, when it's time to file you will know.

I am in the same boat, I have two young ones still at home..my DH is a heavy drinker...he did something that nearly cost us everything this weekend due to excessive alcohol consumption; and I am not sure I will ever forgive him, but he says he will quit drinking (cannot count how many times I have heard this), then he plays Mr. Good guy, with a side of pity party for a few months then goes right back to sneaking alcohol.  I know the pattern quite well..

I have physical separateness, and my own space also; and I don't want to lose my kids every other weekend to a heavy drinker..its very tough..I am not in a rush as of yet...I will know when it's time..you will to.

[Arkhangelsk]

Hi Frances,

Whatever happened this weekend sounds like a big deal.  I had moments like that - and if I could go back now, I would have documented or reported them much better.  I know you are afraid that leaving your husband might mean that he gets some custody time with your kids.  This is, indeed, a possibility.  But what is also possible is that you have these bad moments and they pile up until you are so scared and miserable that you leave anyway.  If you prepare for that possibility by reporting dangerous and/or abusive situations now - it will help you with your options later.  Consider drafting an email about what happened to someone, for example.  That at least gives you a record that is time stamped.  But also consider getting some help from a lawyer - just a consultation to comprehend what the real risks are with custody in your situation. 

I say this with love and with the knowledge that I sat still for a long time in fear of what might be without getting better data.  So the above is what I would say to my former self.

[Frankie14]

Hi Frances,

Whatever happened this weekend sounds like a big deal.  I had moments like that - and if I could go back now, I would have documented or reported them much better.  I know you are afraid that leaving your husband might mean that he gets some custody time with your kids.  This is, indeed, a possibility.  But what is also possible is that you have these bad moments and they pile up until you are so scared and miserable that you leave anyway.  If you prepare for that possibility by reporting dangerous and/or abusive situations now - it will help you with your options later.  Consider drafting an email about what happened to someone, for example.  That at least gives you a record that is time stamped.  But also consider getting some help from a lawyer - just a consultation to comprehend what the real risks are with custody in your situation. 

I say this with love and with the knowledge that I sat still for a long time in fear of what might be without getting better data.  So the above is what I would say to my former self.

Thank you Ark...

I have been documenting for 2 years now, hidden alcohol in the basement, hidden beers in the empty coolers in the garage, all photographed, time stamped, I have snapshots of all texts where he has admitted to having a 'few beers' and driving our kids, the snapshots of him promising to 'quit drinking' but refusing AA has he is just a 'binge drinker' not daily so therefore he is not an alcoholic. 

I have a very good friend who is an attorney, and 2 years ago she said your H is escalating, document, document, document.   

This weekend's fiasco was of such severe concern, the next morning I told him that if he drinks again we are done, divorced and done. Obviously he didn't 'really' care, he was more like I will say okay to whatever to shut her up..thus he was contrite for 1 day and has gone back to moping, whining and playing the victim (who can't drink because of Big-Bad-Rotten Frances)..I am at my limit for his nonsense, and he's going to kill someone someday because he is entitled to PARTY (he's almost 50 BTW)..

Everything is about his GOOD TIME you know...(and I know you know)..