An update and maybe helpful for those trying to get out of their relationship

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mrstring

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As some here now that I decided to pay off the car and gift it to her. Financially it stinks but I have peace of mind. Today I got a text from my ex's oldest son, he was looking for the car Vin and lic plates. I called him to see what happened. We are on good terms now so it's cool. Apparently she drove the car off the road because two tires exploded. Since I transferred liability to her I am not liable. He told me her mental health has continued to get worse, added to that she is back on the drugs so he took her to the psychiatric ward where they kept her for a few days. The thing I get out of it is that NO ONE can help them, I gifted the car and now probably neither will have it now. I am at peace with that. Her kids offered her help, she kept getting worse and worse and made it impossible for anyone to be around. I know some of you are thinking that maybe if I am nice enough or give enough I can convince them that I am a good person or that things will get better. I don't think it ever will unless they seek out help themselves.

It is sad she is homeless now, not on the streets but without a car, who knows now. Part of me is sad that someone who I did care about has deteriorated to this point. I am in a far better place and don't feel responsible for her anymore but it's a tough life lesson all those years I have wasted naively thinking things would improve and if I did enough she would get better or stand up on her own two feet.

Thanks for letting me vent.

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bohemian butterfly

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Part of me is sad that someone who I did care about has deteriorated to this point. I am in a far better place and don't feel responsible for her anymore but it's a tough life lesson all those years I have wasted naively thinking things would improve and if I did enough she would get better or stand up on her own two feet.

Mrstring,

Thank you for posting.  I am so glad that you got out, that you are at peace and are no longer in a toxic relationship.  You are right, you aren't responsible for her.  Just think, she may have taken you down with her if you hadn't left.  Thank you for being brave and strong.  You give me hope.  Take care.

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mrstring

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Thank you for the kind words. I don't feel strong, I just feel like I survived. I was with her for 14 years but should have cut my loses years ago.

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pushit

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Just wanted to write that I support you 100%.  We're all responsible for our own behavior, and nobody should have to constantly fix another's self-created problems.  I remember reading about the car dilemma awhile back, it sounds like you found a good solution.  It was a good solution for both of you, unfortunately she messed it up but it's not your problem to fix now.

Stay strong, friend.


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mrstring

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Just wanted to write that I support you 100%.  We're all responsible for our own behavior, and nobody should have to constantly fix another's self-created problems.  I remember reading about the car dilemma awhile back, it sounds like you found a good solution.  It was a good solution for both of you, unfortunately she messed it up but it's not your problem to fix now.

Stay strong, friend.

Thank you. It was very very hard to do, not fixing the situation.

On a positive note her daughter texted me on Father's day, saying that she loves me and how much she appreciated me during those 14 years. It was very touching and kind of validating.

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bohemian butterfly

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Just wanted to write that I support you 100%.  We're all responsible for our own behavior, and nobody should have to constantly fix another's self-created problems.  I remember reading about the car dilemma awhile back, it sounds like you found a good solution.  It was a good solution for both of you, unfortunately she messed it up but it's not your problem to fix now.

Stay strong, friend.

Thank you. It was very very hard to do, not fixing the situation.

On a positive note her daughter texted me on Father's day, saying that she loves me and how much she appreciated me during those 14 years. It was very touching and kind of validating.

Your post made me tear up.  Thank you for sharing that tender moment. 

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EnufZnuf

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 Encouraging. Iím at 27 years, and Iíve finally had enough. I didnít even know what was happening (covert NPD) until after I moved out, and our daughter got me to study about the topic. Anyway, thanks for your post.

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mrstring

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Encouraging. Iím at 27 years, and Iíve finally had enough. I didnít even know what was happening (covert NPD) until after I moved out, and our daughter got me to study about the topic. Anyway, thanks for your post.

You are welcome. I am glad it helps at all.

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mrstring

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Well, I knew this was coming and today was the day. She sent me a text demanding that I get full Insurance on the car and that I could not have gifted it to her and she is at the DMV and I am still liable for it and to get it insured ASAP!
I know I am protected because I researched the heck out of this but I still have a horrible mood altering feeling in the pit of my stomach. I did reply basically saying

The car's liability was transferred to you, I notified you of this already. I can still willing to have someone pick up the title from me to give it to you. I am done.

Horrible feeling in my gut. You would think literally giving someone a car that their tune would be different. This is what us on this board have to to had to deal with.

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1footouttadefog

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I am worried for you if she does not have that title in her name via the state.


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sad_dog_mommy

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Oh String,

It seems like no good deed goes unpunished by a PD.   :(   Maybe she wants (expects?) others to take care of her?   

You went above and beyond and I know you agonized about doing the right thing.   You are a kind generous man and I am sure she doesnít understand what an amazing gift that was. 

I wouldnít reply if she contacts you again.  There is nothing more to say.   Well, she should have said thank you...

((( hug )))
Sometimes you donít realize youíre actually drowning when you are trying to be everyone elseís anchor.   

Not all storms come to disrupt your life, some come to clear your path.

Unconditional love doesn't mean you have to unconditionally accept bad behavior.

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mrstring

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Oh String,

It seems like no good deed goes unpunished by a PD.   :(   Maybe she wants (expects?) others to take care of her?   

You went above and beyond and I know you agonized about doing the right thing.   You are a kind generous man and I am sure she doesnít understand what an amazing gift that was. 

I wouldnít reply if she contacts you again.  There is nothing more to say.   Well, she should have said thank you...

((( hug )))

I am not responding anymore. She did say she's going to get an attorney and come after me but she's said that several times before.

1footout, the liability is officially transferred to her . I called the DMV 4 times over 4 days to make sure I was clear and to make sure I didn't get someone who didn't know what they were talking about.

Also she got her car out of an impound lot. They would only release it to the owner.
I really do appreciate the concern though.

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mrstring

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Thank you saddogmommy, I appreciate it. :)

I texted her daughter who said my ex is  back to living in the area she used to, which is an hour away from me. Thank goodness.

I would actually love to hear that conversation if she went to an attorney.
So, MrsX. He gifted you the car but you refuse to sign the title because you feel you are being forced to BUT you continue to want to drive the car BUT not pay for the insurance??

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mrstring

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I called the DMV on Friday, they confirmed what I thought about the release of liability AND they said the car is up for a lien sale. Which means, that since she did not have insurance, despite my warning, so she can't get the car back. It will be sold and I will be notified to see if I am interested. The DMV said to just mail the release of liability to them and I am set.

So the last tie to her will be gone. No one wins, I don't have the car and am paying my loan, she lost the car due to her irresponsible nature. Anyhow, I still feel like the luckiest man alive though. :)

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Poison Ivy

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Unfortunately, sometimes we have to settle for "winning" meaning "the worst possible thing didn't happen." And in your situation, I think this is true.  The worst thing would have been you owning and being the insured on the car and your ex using the car and causing an accident and you being on the hook.  I'm relieved for you that this possibility no longer exists.

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Spygirl

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In the grand scheme.of things,

It is a small price to pay for breaking the chain and being free.

Good work

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mrstring

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Unfortunately, sometimes we have to settle for "winning" meaning "the worst possible thing didn't happen." And in your situation, I think this is true.  The worst thing would have been you owning and being the insured on the car and your ex using the car and causing an accident and you being on the hook.  I'm relieved for you that this possibility no longer exists.

Yes, it's all relative isn't it. Most people would not consider having to pay off a hefty car loan for a car that is no longer drive able because of an irresponsible  ex-girlfriend. But considering the bad decision I made for putting my name on a car and agreeing to pay it off, it's not that bad. Plus, ye you're right, if I still had liability I would be having to pay to get it out and pay any damages.

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mrstring

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In the grand scheme.of things,

It is a small price to pay for breaking the chain and being free.

Good work

Thank you. This loan is temporary compared to my life.

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Poison Ivy

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I know it can be difficult to see the positive aspects of separating ourselves from people who make bad, even dangerous, decisions.  Examples from my own life:  The bad news is that my ex-husband fulfilled his long-held wish of cheating on his income taxes; the good news is that we're no longer married and so I'm not responsible.  The bad news is that my ex doesn't have his own car and that he doesn't have car insurance; the good news is that the car he does drive is his dad's, not mine. The bad news is that I got the house instead of half my ex's pension as part of the property division in the divorce; the good news is that he wouldn't have done the paperwork to free my half the pension.  And on and on. 

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mrstring

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I know it can be difficult to see the positive aspects of separating ourselves from people who make bad, even dangerous, decisions.  Examples from my own life:  The bad news is that my ex-husband fulfilled his long-held wish of cheating on his income taxes; the good news is that we're no longer married and so I'm not responsible.  The bad news is that my ex doesn't have his own car and that he doesn't have car insurance; the good news is that the car he does drive is his dad's, not mine. The bad news is that I got the house instead of half my ex's pension as part of the property division in the divorce; the good news is that he wouldn't have done the paperwork to free my half the pension.  And on and on.

Very true. It is very frustrating that once she had to be responsible for the car, it took her 3 months to lose it. I act calm about it but I am very upset. What a waste. But I cannot allow it to get me down or second guess my decision, like should I have tried to take the car from her. I made my decisions not rashly and with much thought weighted against my emotional and mental state at the time. It just sucks to have money taken out of every paycheck for the next 4 and half years. At least if she had the car and got herself healthy it would be in a small way at least a helpful gesture on my part, although much of the reason I did it was to avoid contact and stress. But now it is just a waste.