An update and maybe helpful for those trying to get out of their relationship

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Spygirl

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If possible to see it this way,

Look at the alimony as paying for your peace and freedom from the relationship.
You are fufilling a legal obligation and have no responsibility outside it.  The time will go by quickly.

She has the opportunity, personal responsibility,  to get control of her own life on her own terms. Or not. You never need to bother with anything concerning her again.


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mrstring

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Spy girl, thanks for responding. Maybe you're using alimony as an analogy like I do. The payments are for the car I am paying off. We were not married but together for 14 years. But your point is 100 percent accurate.

I just think of all the better uses for that money. Although I at least dont feel an ounce of guilt I may have felt if I took the car from her. Which would have involved finding her, demanding it back, forcibly taking it or having a repo company take it. At which point after that battle and hassle I would have to sell it not even knowing after the multiple accidents what kind of shape it was in. Or what may have been in it, possibly drugs.

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1footouttadefog

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Glad you are not on the hook for damages related to the car.

It has to be dlsad to watch someone you cared so much for self destruct. 

I am seeing a former in law do the same.  She was a family member and now she is self destructing.  My spouse has been making poor decisions of late and it's hard to see.  I sometimes wish the version of him I married would come knock some sense into the version I live with now.  They're two very different editions to be sure.


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mrstring

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Glad you are not on the hook for damages related to the car.

It has to be dlsad to watch someone you cared so much for self destruct. 

I am seeing a former in law do the same.  She was a family member and now she is self destructing.  My spouse has been making poor decisions of late and it's hard to see.  I sometimes wish the version of him I married would come knock some sense into the version I live with now.  They're two very different editions to be sure.

Yes me too about the car. It was a tough financial loss but if I didn't get out of the responsibility, things would be a lot worse. I have been in touch still with her daughter, who mentioned the last time she saw her mom a few months ago her mom slapped her. So she continues to isolate her from her kids even. Sad but I really feel done. The car was the last connection.

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mrstring

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So I just found out some news from my ex's daughter. My ex was arrested for drug smuggling. I wont go into details but when there was a warrant for her arrest her ex husband set her up, like they were going to meet and the cops arrested her. As some of you know, she put me through so much crap the last few years of our relationship but I feel sad for her. Not a responsible kind of sad or regret kind of sad, just sad on how far she has fallen. Probably the earliest she will be given is 5 years.

I am surprised how this has brought me down today. I guess that even though I am very happy with my current relationship and don't want to see, talk, text, email, etc my ex I always hoped she would get better and have a good rest of the life with her kids, not with them visiting her in prison. Very strange turn of events. I have to admit , my 1st thought is thank goodness I did a release of liability on the car. It may not even be the same, but if I hadn't it she may not have lost possession of it and it could have been.

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Poison Ivy

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Wow!  I'm so glad you detached yourself from her!

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Spygirl

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Do not despair,

In jail she will have to be sober and get counseling.  Its the best thing that could have happened.

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mrstring

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Do not despair,

In jail she will have to be sober and get counseling.  Its the best thing that could have happened.

Thank you for the comforting words. The last week or so I have been thinking of all the terrible things she did to me and how she treated me but I feel no anger. Like I said before, it's like getting mad a wild animal that is trying to eat you. You just get it out of your life. I guess because I saw her deteriorate over the years where it's the point where she is no longer the same person. Anyhow, I don't regret for a second leaving and wish I had years ago, it's not my responsibility to stop someone's downfall. I do take solace that when I did leave, I helped as I felt I should during the detachment period.


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Spygirl

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Imo,

You did just fine. Now she is in a place where whatever happens, is up to her.  It was always that way, even though fog had you thinking you could influence her.

My expdh is an alcoholic. I also waited too long, gave up too much, and believed it was my duty to save him. I had to put that down.

I also have forgiven my ex. I believe he is suffering enough, and too much in pain to see that he could live a better way. Its for him to figure out.


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1footouttadefog

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I had a relative who went to prison for two years.  He got sober and had counceling.  He seems to be stable now that he has been out for a couple years now.  He has a good job and lives in a long-term relationship with a woman who has a long term professional job.

Everyone blamed this or the other person and was made he went to prison, I looked at it as a blessing because he was heading for death and harming himself and others along the way.


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mrstring

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Thank you both. It's strange I have been out for almost 3 years and it still has an effect on me.

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Spygirl

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I think we are all emotionally scarred from it.

I see this as positive. We are now armed. More cautious. We KNOW who these people are now. And we know how to avoid entanglement with them in the future.

I have been considering a small tattoo to mark this achievement. A visible scar.

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mrstring

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I think we are all emotionally scarred from it.

I see this as positive. We are now armed. More cautious. We KNOW who these people are now. And we know how to avoid entanglement with them in the future.

I have been considering a small tattoo to mark this achievement. A visible scar.

You are right, we do know who they are. I was texting her daughter and her and the one son visited her this weekend in jail, which must have been tough. It looks like my ex is still playing the guilt blame game with them. I am so glad she is out of my life. How toxic!!