What's next ?

[Awake2012]

Hi all,

Just thought I would reach out and introduce myself.  Early 40's. Married ubpdw 20 years ago yesterday.  6 kids 8-19.  Successful career, wife is a stay at home mom.  Spent first 13 years not understanding what I was doing wrong.  Why my wife was always unhappy.  Why I disked holidays and going anywhere anymore.  Why I didn't want to see my parents / family anymore.   Why nothing I did was ever good enough.  Why any time anything good was happening or when someone was happy, my wife would find a way to ruin it and make everyone sad or uncomfortable.

In 2012 I was extremely depressed.  Googling... Wife always angry... Wife Not remembering events truthfully... Etc.  Found the book "the gas light effect" and was stunned. It was like someone had been living in my house. Read every book I could find on bpd.  Saw a therapist a couple times.  Found this site, discovered I wasn't alone. Took some meds for six months to help with the depression. Learned to set boundaries and be okay with wife being mad at me.  Decided I would stay with her for the kids sake.  After all, she had a horrible childhood and couldn't help it, she was sick.

Well it is seven years later, kids all have issues.  It was not a good decision.  Told my wife six months ago we needed some big changes.  She refused to have a two way conversation about it.  Then blamed me for everything. I said I had enough and we should go ahead and get divorced.  Haven't spoke much since, which hasn't really felt all that different.  She has told me we should get a divorce a bunch of times anyway.  I Dragged my feet for another six months, but went ahead and filed aweek ago.  She was served the papers today. She is not speaking to me. 

I am scared as Hell.  I never wanted this.  I have no idea what this divorce will be like.  I have no idea what life will look like.  I have no idea what this will do to the kids.  I have no idea what lies she will Accuse me of.  Terrified.  But I keep telling myself a few things...

If my sons later go through the same thing, would I want them to stay in the marriage? 

If not, what kind of example am I setting for them?

Do I really want to spend the rest of my life like this?

Can it get better?

I'm moving forward blindly.  Scared as hell, but I don't regret staying.  I have issues that helped me end up here (people pleasing) and if I had rushed out earlier I might have been on my second distinctional marriage by now.  Hoping to avoid being in this situation ever again.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.  I have a million crazy stories that I'll spare you from for now.  It's hard for a guy to admit there are issues like this in his own home.  It's hard to accept that I can't fix it.  Lord knows I have tried.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome!
Read the Toolbox for strategies to keep yourself and the children safe. Share whatever strategies you feel are appropriate with the children.
Have you read the book 'Stop caretaking the borderline/narcissist' by Margalis Fijelstad? I found that book very helpful. There is another one that might be helpful in your situation, it is called 'Splitting' by Randy Kreger.
There are others in your situation on this forum, I am sure you will find a lot of support.

[treesgrowslowly]

No one can really know what is next in terms of how your own experiences will go over the next few months and years.

But when a relationship ends, there is a grief that is important to honour. We each feel and express grief in a unique way. I cannot speak for NPDs, I don't know what they actually feel since they are projecting.

During the period right after a relationship ends, I've been told over and over that it is important to stay with short term self care so that longer term planning and decisions are made with as much patience as one can muster.

Take time each day to think only about the present day, how you are feeling and what you need to vs what can be reassigned to a future date.