Back to square one?

[lightworld]

Help, I'm feeling totally invalidated and doubting myself. I feel like the evil one making up stories. 

I visited F last week at his care facility, my first visit since M died last November. I found him in M's old room with a woman who happens to have moved in there. Let's call her Sue. She seems to have dementia or maybe has had a stroke, which has  left her unable to speak, she can make noises but not be understood.  She's a very sweet woman and totally in thrall to F, they were holding hands!    I was so shocked, F had never mentioned her when I'd phoned so it was a complete surprise,  it was awkward and upsetting.

As the visit wore on it became clear to me that F was up to his old tricks. To me it seemed, he had found a new victim to control and bully, albeit at the moment he's being patronisingly indulgent.  I was worried because Sue seemed so vulnerable so I decided to share my feelings about it with the care staff. Their response was to say how sweet they thought it was that they'd found each other and they joked about having to get new outfits soon for a wedding!   

I then emailed B who was  of a similar mind to them.  Yes he'd seen F treat this woman like a pet dog, indulgently (for now) but he also saw it as F being a lonely old man and needing companionship. 

After getting B's reply last night I've felt like a complete heel, here's an old man trying to find happiness in his last few years and what do I do but make  up scenarios about what could happen and share them with his carers. Am I the evil one here? I feel seriously invalidated, as if I've been making it all up about F's PD. Everyone except DH feel that this relationship is OK, DH and I feel that it's dangerous but are we wrong?  Have we been wrong all along, misinterpreted things, made things up to fit the PD scenario?. Talk about back to square one! 

[bloomie]

lightworld - I know I just see a tiny snap shot in the situation, but I think you handled well your valid concerns that an elderly woman with diminished capacity for consent might be at risk with your father having witnessed his disrespectful behaviors toward her (as has your brother it would seem) and having experienced them yourself in relationship with him.   

You addressed them directly and honestly with those that are in a position to be responsible for the safety and care of both your father and Sue. You do not wear rose colored glasses regarding your father. You know him and you have experience him as disordered and unsafe.

Having valid concerns and voicing them in advocacy for a vulnerable woman is not a step backward imv, it is a strong, kind, and brave action to take. And there is peace in knowing you have done what you can do and raised awareness for those responsible to watch over them and keep them safe.

Popping back in to add something you wrote to another member here awhile back that may be a powerful way of you speaking some light back to yourself as you wrestle with the confusion and doubts right now. You offered an affirming message to someone else and I hope it will bring an infusion of strength and certainty for you:

You are doing fine just as you are. Recovery is not a linear process, there are bound to be ups and downs, one step forward, two back but the important thing  is you are pushing on with your healing, understanding more, grieving and processing your feelings which is all good.

Like you, I have great difficulty in seeing how bad the abuse was. I know exactly what you mean and it's very confusing, frustrating and anxiety-producing.

My T, my DH and some of my friends often tell me how bad my F's abuse of me is and they can't understand why I have difficulty letting go of the relationship. Why can't I see it in its entirety? But I just seem to see it as isolated incidents from the past that I have to work on the bring to mind,  unless the abuse has just happened, then I see it and feel it immediately.

"Just don't contact him again" they say as if it's so simple. I know people are trying to be supportive but this, to a victim of abuse, is not always helpful. Seeing it from the outside is easier, I see my friend's abuse by her F much more clearly than she does. We all have to find our own way to peace and  it's not easy or straightforward.

I think one problem is that, particularly as a child, I saw my relationship with my father as normal, I knew no better at that stage. Now I often see the bits that are 'not so bad' and justify to myself the need to continue the relationship.  On the other hand I'm aware of being used and abused and feel humiliated.

https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=77331.msg673746#msg673746

[lightworld]

Thank you Bloomie for your wise words and , ironically for MY wise words!!!

I do know that I simply had to do what I did, I had to tell people about Sue being at risk, I couldn't live with myself if I didn't. So the reaction to other's responses now seem to me to be the naughty little girl's response, telling on Dad, exposing family secrets to strangers. I'm gradually seeing it from my adult self's perspective and it's so good to know someone understands.

Today i've been in touch with my friend who I've known since childhood and who was also abused by her F. Interestingly she's the only one apart from DH who is horrified at what's happening and supports me totally. It's been such a good day thanks to you and my friend bringing me back to reality.

I'm done now for a while with F, taking a break, gathering my strength. Baking cakes and getting back to my peaceful life. 

[WomanInterrupted]

Hi Lightworld,

If it bothers you - and it would bother me, too - I'd have a chat with the facility's social worker on Monday and bring her up to speed - you feel your father is grooming a woman who may not have capacity to abuse her, or use her and/or harm her in some way.

They won't be able to tell you anything about Sue - but they know her situation.  If she doesn't have capacity, she may be moved far away from him - or the staff may be tasked to keep an eye on the situation.

Be *honest* with the social worker about your dad - don't use words like unNPD unless it's, "I'm not an expert, but I've done a lot of reading.  My dad  ticks quite a few  boxes on the narcissism spectrum - but that's neither here nor there.  I know for a fact he IS abusive, and will abuse this woman in the future, just like he abused my mom and me."

Be very clear that you are quite concerned for Sue's safety.     (And thank you for caring about a vulnerable stranger!)   

Use hard words with the social worker - abuse.  Physical abuse.  Verbal abuse.  Emotional abuse.   Whatever he's known for doing *say it out loud* - the social worker will want to *mitigate the facility's liability* and probably will take action, in one form or another.

The aides see it as cute - management will see it as a potential disaster in the form of lawsuits, police involvement and negative press.

Make the call to the social worker and know that you've done as much as you can in the protection of another person, who probably can't protect herself.

The nursing home will take it from there, and they take this shit *very* seriously.

[lightworld]

Yes WI I did contact the manager at the home and F's social worker in writing expressing my concerns.  After a few days of angst, both DH and I felt we had to intervene and at least  try to protect Sue. They have a record going back years,  of all the past abuse of M and they did help with her situation at the time, they did their best not to allow F to control her actions, while at the same time M was insisting on being by his side.  He was psychiatrically assessed at that time and, although the psychiatrist couldn't give details, when I was totally honest about my situation she did let slip that she had never come across anyone quite like F!

I know part of this is about me feeling that I didn't protect M all those years, so now I feel it's vital to protect Sue. Ofcourse I know that I was only a child and a victim of F's abuse myself and that M didn't protect me, but I have to constantly remind myself of that.

I feel OK now that I have done my part to protect Sue.  She also has a family who keep a strict eye on her and they are also aware of the relationship, I've told the social worker to feel free to share my concerns with them (even though it felt like a betrayal - yes I know dutiful daughter raises ugly head). No doubt F has not let his mask slip in front of Sue's family yet but it's only a matter of time. It's good to know people are looking out for Sue but it also feels like the nightmare never ends. I'm sure F will outlive me! 

[lightworld]

Following up on this - you were so right WI, today I've had a call and an emiil from F's social worker to say they are on the case and they told me I can leave it to them.  I'm so relieved.

[bloomie]

Following up on this - you were so right WI, today I've had a call and an emiil from F's social worker to say they are on the case and they told me I can leave it to them.  I'm so relieved.

That is very good news!

[WomanInterrupted]

That's great news!   

Thank  you for speaking up on Sue's behalf.   

Team Professionals have it from here on out.   Team Professionals don't  like *problems* - and any help you give in solving potential problems is greatly appreciated and makes their lives easier.