Becoming her shrink aged 12

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Writingthepain

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Becoming her shrink aged 12
« on: June 15, 2019, 09:55:08 AM »
When I was 12 and my npd mom had finally driven my bd dad away, I became my mom's 24/7 shrink, a shoulder to cry on, every last issue discussed, all her traumas and demons vented. And somehow I was supposed to deal with it and dispense advice... aged 12!
Did anyone else get turned into a shrink for their parents?

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treesgrowslowly

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Re: Becoming her shrink aged 12
« Reply #1 on: June 15, 2019, 10:31:02 AM »
Yes. And I would ask her to stop talking about her ex and she would stop that day. And then call and talk about him again the next day. Its one of the moments that eventually led me to go NC.

I won't bother going into the reasons why they do it. It's basically part of their inability to consider our feelings as real.

It affected me. It made me good at listening to people whine and then have people seek me put for that, because I'm a gopd listener.

I no longer consider it a friendship, when someone feels close to me after confiding in me. A friendship includes that in a reciprocal way, but not right away.  Now, I wait for people to engage with me for other things not just as their shrink. I lost a lot of friendships because of this over the years.

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wisingup

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Re: Becoming her shrink aged 12
« Reply #2 on: June 15, 2019, 11:09:20 AM »
Totally.  This was one of the most damaging things to me.  Car rides were basically a time for mom to monologue about everyone in our lives.  She would criticize them and tell me inappropriate gossip.  I did NOT know what to do with this information, or how I was supposed to feel about these people now - mostly relatives that I dearly loved.  My response was to go silent, trying to convey my lack of interest & not provide any reinforcement.  I think she took it as encouragement though, or at least felt a need to fill the silence.  This is still her main mode of conversation - negative stories about others & a major reason we are VVVLC.

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Psuedonym

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Re: Becoming her shrink aged 12
« Reply #3 on: June 15, 2019, 03:00:34 PM »
Yep! Only child here; she would tell me that my 'job was to cheer her up'. As an adult, once I wised up, when she would call me up to say "I'm soooo depressed and unhappy, what should I dooo?" I would say "well, it sounds like you need to talk to a therapist, and i'm not a therapist, and I'm certainly not your therapist" and she would get ragey. I think in her 'me, me, me' mentality what dumping all her self-loathing, victimhood, hopelessness, and anger might do to her kid never occurred to her. Or, maybe it did and she didn't care. In either case, it's super destructive and toxic.  :stars:

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Andeza

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Re: Becoming her shrink aged 12
« Reply #4 on: June 15, 2019, 03:19:05 PM »
Yup, earlier than 12. I don't even remember when all the nonsense really got fired up, maybe it's just always been. Maybe I was a baby in my crib or playpen and she was venting about this health problem, that health problem, and your father....  :blahblahblah:

Car rides = captive audience. Because what are you going to do? Bail out the door?

The therapist thing subsided a bit when I went to college. I was several hours away, on my own, and she's not good with technology. But I'm still horrified to go back and look through my email folders and realize I was emailing her every day, sometimes multiple times a day. The role doubled down when she found out enDad had been unfaithful. Everything he said to her she would repeat back to me and demand "What does that MEEEAAAAN?!" In full waif mode, also unreasonable, ragey, shreiky. "um... I think it means exactly what it sounds like..." :blink: Then she would tell me what she thought it meant instead, working all kinds of intent and meaning into simple statements from a simple man.

It got exponentially worse after ***trigger warning*** she attempted and failed to commit suicide. So now there was me, fully in the throes of PTSD from the trauma, and there was here - still expecting me to be her therapist, shoulder to cry on, and rock upon which to lean in the storm. (Hey M whatever happened to all that have faith and God will get you through whatever talk you used to give me all the time?) Meanwhile, I should have been in therapy myself. Too bad we were dirt poor and couldn't afford one.
Remember, that there are no real deadlines for life, just society's pressures.      - Anonymous
Lasting happiness is not something we find, but rather something we make for ourselves.

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SerenityCat

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Re: Becoming her shrink aged 12
« Reply #5 on: June 16, 2019, 12:26:16 AM »
So much yes.

My mom started me out early as her shrink. She'd wake me up at night, sit on my bed and cry and vent. This was beyond nightmarish.

As her eldest daughter, I was both her scapegoat and therapist. Even into my early 20s I'd be on the phone for hours listening and trying to calm her down.

Ultimately she scapegoated me completely and cut off contact. Eventually I realized that NC was a good thing.

My youngest sister as an adult also used me as a therapist in much too long phone conversations. As I got healthier, went through good therapy, I finally was able to stop that bad dynamic. I let her know that I was concerned for her well being, that I felt for her, and that I encouraged her to get medical and mental health care.

I've also lost a lot of friendships over the years because at some point I could no longer be the shrink. I'd fall quick into friendships with people who liked how I listened to them. I had to figure out that just because I am easy to talk to does not mean that I have to stand around and listen. Especially not when I end up feeling anxious and exhausted.

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Call Me Cordelia

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Re: Becoming her shrink aged 12
« Reply #6 on: June 16, 2019, 01:01:27 AM »
Yeah, me too. UNM told me way too much at a much too young age about the kind of scary abusive crap that went down in uNF’s family, how my father needs to be in control of everything and what’s going on in their marriage, bitching about HER uNM, details of her miscarriages.  :aaauuugh: She said she was helping me learn how to get along with uNF, and as she is an inverted N I actually believe she believed that. What it actually did was reinforce for me that no way was I going to ever end up like my parents, I was going to escape. And I did finally, about a decade after leaving home.

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: Becoming her shrink aged 12
« Reply #7 on: June 16, 2019, 01:53:13 AM »
Oh yes - that was my primary job, as a toddler, and right up through my 40's, when I started using Medium Chill and changing the subject on unBPD Didi.

Who the hell tells a small child their bedroom problems, or gives deets about their unsatisfactory sex life  - well, that would be Didi!  (And I *really* didn't need to know that stuff about Ray!)   :aaauuugh: :barfy:

I'd listen to her moan about her problems, her health, her horrible job, awful coworkers, nasty neighbors who were all jealous of her, and cheer her up, too, like I was a human antidepressant.   :stars:

I could never fulfill the role she wanted - and everything I said was *wrong* - so I'd invariably wind up in trouble with her *because a child can't advise her on adult interpersonal relationships or her marriage!*  :roll:

She'd accuse me of holding the answers back from her, like I had them, but just wouldn't tell her when I had NONE of the answers and was struggling to get along in the world of school-age children in the hope of not being picked on *again* this year.   :'(

I learned pretty quickly to never say I was having trouble with anyone or anything because it would quickly get turned around to, "You think YOU have problems!?  I have problems!" - and she'd go on for about two hours, venting and expecting me to understand and respond.   :blink:

I'd also be accused of not *caring enough* about her problems  - and frankly, I really didn't.  I had problems of my own - bullies, mean girls, kids that were friends last year, but had moved on, and trying not to feel like I had "LOSER" written on my forehead.   :-[

Frankly, I think a lot of the intimate details she was giving me about her relationship with unNPD Ray, at such a tender age  and right up through the age of 18, qualifies as child abuse, and I should NOT have been grilled, after receiving a  booklet all the girls got in 7th grade, about the onset of our first periods, about NOW KNOWING how to fix her sex life.   :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh:

Dude...I just learned blood is gonna come from WHERE and what the hell a tampon is for.   That does NOT make me Dr. Ruth!   :evil2:

The ONE time I suggested she call a T, she started screaming at me that there was NOTHING WRONG with her, she just needed somebody to listen to her (hellooooo - isn't that the function of a T!?) - and that person was ME - with a strongly implied, "Because we didn't have to adopt you, you ungrateful brat!" - I was in my 40's - and it was before I started reading and posting here.   :wacko:

After Medium Chill, my days as her T were *over* - and she hated it, but I'd hated every moment of listening to her.  It's literally *years* of my life I'll never get back.  >:(

I'm so sorry so many of us are in the same boat!   :grouphug:

 :hug:

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2_exhausted

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Re: Becoming her shrink aged 12
« Reply #8 on: June 16, 2019, 10:58:53 AM »
Only child here......father died at 11::::so whom else was there for her to have her pity parties in front of????

No one cared that MY father died....not her, not her mother.....uBPD m was too busy, and still is 40 years later, concerned about HER life was ruined, bah bah blah...She needed therapy for more than just his sudden death due to an MI...she was crazy raging before that.

Womaninterrupted, I have heard the same line, or variation of it for too long....”You think your life is bad, MY husband died when I was 45”, etc, yesssss—->and PDmom went right to the family MD and was prescribed Valium...She had her FOO to emotionally support her......

And yes.....I was thrown into therapy because I was, I guess, acting out...but since it was the late 70’s I do not know what I was doing...maybe requiring a parent. First T session very valuable—she LIED to T about everything. After that I said I would go, but without her".......She has always refused any psych help....because she sees nothing wrong with her, and “what would other people think”??

When I was 24, she was millimeters close to a break down due to her next door neighbors. I had to put a mortgage on my back for her, so she could move.....looking back, it was a horrible move on my part...I guess I was too weak and too guilty not to do it 

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Sojourner17

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Re: Becoming her shrink aged 12
« Reply #9 on: June 16, 2019, 11:44:52 AM »
Yes, I also became the therapist. I remember telling her years ago that I didn’t want to hear her talk negatively about my dad.  She told me I was an adult now and should be able to handle it.  She also constantly wanted me to be other people’s therapist. Ie my youngest sister, so and so that she knew, etc. She would get upset if I told her I couldn’t or wouldn’t.
"Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it..." - Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery

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KeepONKeepingON

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Re: Becoming her shrink aged 12
« Reply #10 on: June 16, 2019, 05:47:55 PM »
I remember clearly at the age of 10 or younger really wanting to help my 'poor' mother. She had always cast herself as the good, poor sweet victim of every situation she somehow found herself in... I remember sitting down beside her, holding her hand and asking her what was wrong. I remember feeling really proud of myself for trying to help her. BPD mother started telling me abut her day and talking about me, to me in the third person... :stars:

From a young age I listened to BPD mother's self involved dialogues. I think she used these dialogues to always cast herself as the victim and to justify her behaviour, no matter how unreasonable. She told me details of her sex life, which was completely inappropriate.   :aaauuugh::blink: :blink: She would bring up rants against people, who she believed had slighted her, again and again. She ranted about my father and my paternal relatives to me. She also threatened to commit suicide and fits of screaming, sobbing and wailing. This happened when I was in my final year of university...

Anyway, I believe this conditioned me to put others needs before mine.  :( I am sad that I never got to enjoy chunks of my life as I was too busy worrying about my mother and trying to fix her life. Yes, until I went to counselling I was conditioned to play the kind and supportive role and I was also conditioned to expect nothing in return. I was a magnet for self absorbed and difficult people.

I feel sorry for BPDmother but I am glad to not be her shrink anymore!

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Jade63

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Re: Becoming her shrink aged 12
« Reply #11 on: June 20, 2019, 07:30:13 PM »
Another only child here  :heythere:

I became her therapist at age 6 when my father ran off with his secretary. I also became his replacement (emotional incest) and her constant companion.

Child abuse.

~Jade

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GentleSoul

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Re: Becoming her shrink aged 12
« Reply #12 on: June 21, 2019, 04:53:00 AM »
I was in that situation too. Very damaging.

Sorry you have been dumped on as your mum's shrink.  They really have no idea what is appropriate and what is not.

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backliteyes

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Re: Becoming her shrink aged 12
« Reply #13 on: June 21, 2019, 04:32:44 PM »
Yes. Below is a sampling of topics my mother discussed with me that stick out as being particularly inappropriate. In general her conversations towards me were much too peer-like rather than parent-to-child as they should have been. I'm sure there are many other things that could go on this list that I don't remember or have blocked out. Many of these conversations happened when I was in my early teens or even earlier, some not until I was an adult.

Her previous romantic relationships, sometimes in detail
Her choosing to abort a previous pregnancy and her guilt about that
Her being sexually abused by her paternal grandfather
Her drug abuse to include offering me prescription drugs when I was feeling stressed
Her issues with family members
Her relationship issues with my father, including drama she was having with him prior to and while going through their divorce
She showed up at my middle school in tears and pulled me out of school when her father, whom I'd never met, passed away
Stories about my maternal grandmother's marriages/divorces, some that displayed how she was also parentified

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truthseeker4life

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Re: Becoming her shrink aged 12
« Reply #14 on: June 23, 2019, 08:25:24 AM »
Another scapegoat therapist here.

My mom used to tell me - the 2nd born girl of 4 kids - all her truths. AND I was the one to take 99% of the beatings and other abuse. Looking back on it now I realize I ended up being the physical embodiment of the horrible truths in her life and it made her feel better to beat the truth.

Of course since I am not her therapist any more she has no use for me other than to smear my name and play victim to all who will listen.

One of her favorite lines for her to repeat that I said when I was three was, "don't worry mommy, I will take care of you." (I had jumped up on the counter to get my mom a paper towel because she was crying because my dad was seriously depressed and suicidal -probably because of her!)

Oh and when my dad died suddenly in 2015 she left him alone to die in her garage of a sudden heart attack while SHE was being comforted by a neighbor.

And she later told me, "you only lost a father, your life will go on -I have lost a spouse and my life is forever changed"

!!!

Can you see why I am done being the therapist?

Unhealthy but beyond - downright disturbing!

I feel your burdensome pain everyone on this post. Healing to us all.

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all4peace

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Re: Becoming her shrink aged 12
« Reply #15 on: June 23, 2019, 09:21:25 AM »
truthseeker, your story sounds like mine. Least favorite, most hit and screamed at, oldest daughter and free (in-family) therapist. Why face the shame of taking it outside the family when you have a daughter who will do anything to be accepted and feel special?

I'm still finding out the things that she told me (and I carried) that my siblings never knew. What an unhealthy burden. As the mother of teens myself, it is inconceivable to me how a parent would unload their darkest fears and shames on their child. And it's horrifying to me that a parent could be so self-absorbed that they would not only do that, but continue to neglect and beat that child, as if that child has NO personhood or self.

When grandparents die in my family, there is NO acknowledgement from our parents that we have also suffered a loss. It is their loss, and their loss alone. And for my uNBPDm, that loss will be used to manipulate her kids and grandkids into doing activities she enjoys (literally, gparent is dying, so won't you please do this fun thing with meeeeeeee?!) and there will be no apparent realization for her that she's not the only person suffering.

When en(N?)F left suddenly, unexpectedly and repeatedly through our childhood, we were never told why or where he was. There was no comfort, no reassurance. And when they finally separated, we were literally told to stay silent as "it wasn't our story to tell."

The ways that narcissism shows up in a parent are horrifying. Hugs to all of us. :hug:
« Last Edit: June 23, 2019, 09:24:23 AM by all4peace »

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Marinette

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Re: Becoming her shrink aged 12
« Reply #16 on: June 24, 2019, 06:41:44 PM »
Yes!! That is exactly what’s been happening for my entire childhood, teen year and my twenties.
I am an only child, born into a PD  family (both parents have massive mental health issues) and barely any extended family.
My unPD mother had bad health and used it to severely manipulate my grandmother, my father and me, young child.  She used to tell me, an 8 year old girl, how she was “dying” in the hospital with all the gory details.  How she couldn’t take a breath and was “revived” by a team of doctors. How she couldn’t move and walk. How she laid down on a bed where a “dead patient” was lying before.  How she was rushed into ICU and “just knew” it was the end.
All of these awful details traumatized me, a little terrified sad girl, to the point of severe PTSD. I was absolutely shocked to hear those things.
When I got much older I realized that she was just manipulating me into giving her attention that she constantly wanted and she simply loved her illness - her illness gave her so much power over us!  Sick!!


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GentleSoul

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Re: Becoming her shrink aged 12
« Reply #17 on: June 25, 2019, 02:26:18 AM »
I had a memory come up in me of when I was a very young child, my uPD mum telling me that in her old age if she was ever ill and laying in bed suffering, it was my job and responsibility to put a pillow over her face and put her out of her misery.   :aaauuugh:

Well that scared the heck out of me for years as a little girl.