Are Their Eyes Ever Opened?

[gettingstronger1]

I made the mistake tonight of looking at my PD mother's online obituary.  She passed away several years ago.  In some ways it was a confusing and disorienting experience and for five minutes I went back into the FOG.  (Don't worry, I quickly made my way back Out of the FOG.)  You see the written part of the obituary painted a glowing picture of a saintly mother.  She was described as strong, courageous, and ever present for every basketball game, dance recital  etc.  It went on to describe that no matter the circumstances she always had dinner on the table at 7:00 o'clock sharp that was complete with a meat, vegetable and pasta.  The obituary went on to state that she gave tirelessly to charity and doted on her beloved grandchildren.  After that there was about 30 pictures of my childhood that showed PD Mom interacting with us.  Friends of our family were then allowed a space to leave comments regarding sympathy for the loss of my mother.  A couple of people responded that it looked like she was an amazing woman and they wish they could be like the woman described in the obituary.

Tears came to my eyes and I felt like I was looking at a foreign planet. When I look at the same pictures, I remember a mother who:

called me a slut
called me a playboy playmate
called me selfish
constantly gave me the silent treatment
refused to apologize
constantly criticised me
repeatedly and viciously slut shamed me
took pleasure in hurting me
literally never hugged me or said she loved me
constantly scowled at me

I am not sure who this woman was that was in the obituary, but she was not my mother.  

I realized my mother made it through her life fooling everyone.  When I wrote a letter to my mother about the emotional abuse she just became more abusive.  She engaged in a smear campaign against me and turned my father and siblings against me.  My mother made it a point to emotionally abuse me in private so no one believed me when I started talking about my truth and experience.  I was literally told I was "crazy."  The point I am making is that she never experienced any consequences for her abusive behavior.  The only consequence she faced was me going non contact with her and she really didn't care about that because she never loved me.  We are talking about a woman who literally lived two miles from me and never once came to my house to visit me. She cared that little.  I realize the best revenge is a life well lived. As best I can, I am living a happy life. I am not interested in revenge. I do get the occasional moments where I foolishly look at her obituary, but it got me wondering "where is the justice? Are their eyes ever opened?  She never experienced any consequences on this earth.  Her eyes were never opened to her emotionally abusive behavior and everyone enabled that behavior.  I would never wish her to go to hell, but I am not sure that someone who deliberately hurts others is in heaven either.  I realize it is only important that I continue to move on with joy in my life, but I can't help but wonder what happened to her.  Does God (or who ever you believe in) open her eyes??  Is there ever any justice?  Spiritually, will she ever see what she did? I will move on regardless, but the intellectual side of me can't help but wonder...

So, what do you guys think?

[WomanInterrupted]

I understand Gettingstronger1   

I go back and read unBPD Didi's obit, just for a laugh, every now and then - it was mercifully short, but described her as a loving wife and mother, which is a total crock.   

That woman terrorized me every single day, when I was a child, and in a family of 3, the *child* was the Scapegoat and to blame for all the world's ills.  As an adult, I was mainly ignored, until her health started failing as she aged, and she decided I'd have to be her slave, and when THAT didn't work, decided she was OWED a hospital bed in our living room!   

How is ANY of that a loving mother? 

I didn't see her on her death bed because I thought it was yet another "death bed", and didn't go to the wake or funeral - and now the word is out among the neighbors, courtesy of me:  that woman was just as vicious and nasty as you thought she was.  You are NOT crazy.   

You wrote:  but it got me wondering "where is the justice?"

You living, breathing, thriving is JUSTICE.  You, creating your OWN narrative and deciding to erase her  from future memory, is JUSTICE.  Your kids will never have to deal with her again and your grandchildren will never know her - THAT is JUSTICE!   

Didi left me a Punishment Hoard, that I dismantled in less than 6 months.  It was a PITA, but it was JUSTICE in that I was removing *every bit of evidence of Didi from that house.*   

She was a collector dolls, dollhouses, room boxes, and miniatures (and everything else under the sun, but the bulk of the hoard was dedicated to those subjects), which she insisted were NOT for children and for SERIOUS collectors, only.   

Well, Amvets, Goodwill and Habitat for Humanity really don't care - if you've got a couple of bucks, you can buy one of her special, unique, museum-quality, one-of-a-kind, rare, PRICELESS pieces and let your kids play with it until there's nothing left - and THAT was the *sweetest* form of JUSTICE.  The TOYS are going to get *played with!!!!!!!!*   

Every bit you undo, is justice.  And every PD wrong you right, is justice.   

Every time you tell somebody they are NOT crazy and yes, your mother really was that horrible - that's also JUSTICE - and validating to the other person.   

There's another kind of justice if you're an only child - or the one left to clean up the mess while everybody else has scattered.

YOU get the last word.   

UnNPD Ray should have been in a memory care unit at least 5 years before Didi died, but didn't wind up in one until 2 years after she died - he's incompetent, I'm the POA, only child - and I'm NC.

I not only got to erase Didi, but RAY, the dutiful enabling spouse, who backed her up  at every turn, even punishing me when he knew she was wrong, just to take the heat off himself.   

I wound down his affairs, sold his house, hired "Got Junk?" to dehoard *again* - Ray had gotten comfortable in the clutter and as much as he thought he wanted it gone, he really didn't - and left the house a blank slate, ready for a flipper to work their mojo.   

As a part of Medicaid involvement, I had to make his pre-paid funeral irrevocable,  meaning if there's money left over, it goes to the state and not to me - which is totally fine.  Ray should give the taxpayers something back, after all he's costing us to keep him alive!   

That meant I got to dismantle Ray's big, showy, splashy funeral and downgrade it to something I can live with:  he'll be taken from the nursing home to the funeral home, minimally embalmed, and chucked in his marble mausoleum (of COURSE it's a marble mausoleum!   ) with Didi - no muss, no fuss, no service, no drama, no tears, no nothing except it'll just be another day.   

If you're still on the fence about whether this is justice or not, consider the words of Sansa Stark, to Ramsey Bolton, before he became Puppy Chow:  Your words will disappear.  Your house will disappear.  Your name will disappear.  All memory of you will disappear.

Yes, she got to say those words TO him, and we didn't - but Ramsey was also unrepentant, right  up to the end.

We just have to be *okay* with knowing no, they never would have understood, because they didn't want to hear  - but we the living  have the last word.   

[TriedTooHard]

If it makes you feel any better, could you try to imagine what it would be like for you if anyone did recognize your mother's issues while you were a minor?  That did happen in my FOO, and it wasn't easy on the kids.  We were shunned right along with her.  Those adults who were in the inner circle and saw things were flying monkeys and only chose to take a stand when it was convenient for them, not us children. 

Fast forward a few decades and my parents are paying the price.  They are elderly and responsible for a grandchild and a troubled adult child (my nephew and sister).  Its so bad, I do feel sorry for them and realistically can only sneak in a few months here and there without contact.   

So it seems that no matter when or how their eyes are ever opened, we pay the price and the best we can do is have a live well lived. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

I do believe in God's judgment of each soul when they die. No hiding or excuses anymore when you are face to face with the Almighty. Even things we weren't fully aware of in life will be revealed to us. But even then I believe we have a choice: to acknowledge our wrongdoing, be sorry, and ask for God's mercy, or to be obstinate in refusing responsibility. Basically I believe each of us choose Heaven or Hell for our own selves, and God respects our choice. And living (or suffering) eternally with the consequences of our own choices is justice, my friend.

That might be cold comfort to us still topside of earth. But their eternal destination is not really our stuff. That belongs to them and God alone. I do wholeheartedly agree with everything WI wrote. There is justice on this earth, but it is not always immediate. Life in this world is a bit messy. The great thing is we get to claim our own justice, as our birthright, same as we get to claim our own peace and joy. ❤️

[Writingthepain]

Fortunately my mom seems to be unable to hide her true self from others, her furious temper and total contempt for me is obvious to all. In fact her contempt for me seems to be something she's quite proud of, like she imagines that others will see how she treats me and think "wow what a fantastic person! She must be so clever to denigrate her daughter like that!"

I've told her before that I will no longer protect her from her behaviour,  that means no more lying about it and she hates her ego being pricked when others find out what she's like at home.
Funny thing is, I went through my childhood imagining that no one realised what mom was like and that was why no one did anything to help me. When I grew up I was told by person after person that they knew what she was like and what I went through.... but not one person ever stepped in to stop it.

[MyEyesROpen]

Try looking at it this way. That obituary of your mother was of a completely fictional person. Someone who never really existed.  Deep down, your mother knew this too and it probably tormented her every day of her life that she wasn't really this fictional person that she strove so hard to portray herself as. You knew the real person. You saw through the smoke screen and the lies. She may have conned other people but you knew her real identity. Ultimately that's why she probably didn't visit you. She knew you could see through her act. That must have really annoyed her. She couldn't con you. Be proud of yourself.

[overitall]

Oh Getting Stronger,
I could have written your post!!  I, too, was the SG of the family...I was the whipping post for every single problem in my uBPDm's world...left home at 17 for college (which I had to pay for fully because parents were paying everything for GCsis)  I lived one hour from home and parents NEVER visited in four years of college....GCsis was in college three hours from parents home and uBPDm went every weekend to visit her....as soon as GCsis finished college, she moved back home to be with her Mommy....

My mother was extremely cruel as well....the things she said to me were terrible....she was an actress...she knew when others were around that she needed to act as if she cared about me.  She would change her behavior at the snap of a finger.  Like you, most of the worst abuse was when she was in the privacy of our home where no outsiders could witness it.  I was called a brat, a pain in the butt.  She told me I thought I was better than everyone else???  I tried anything and everything to get ANY positive reaction from her, but it has never happened.

She refused to attend school conferences, outside events, church, anything....after the age of 10, I spent the majority of my time at the houses of my friends...I think my friend's parents realized something wasn't right with my mom, but they never said anything.  However, I was always welcome to stay with my friends as much as I wanted.  My mom loved it because she didn't want me around...ever...I mean, literally, ever.

Over the years her mask has slipped more than a few times.  Most people still don't realize the monster she is, but she's had a hard time hiding it from everyone.  She can't help herself...she is a cruel, ugly, angry, unhappy person.  She has always been this way and she will never change...I went NC over eight years ago and it is the BEST thing I ever did....My adult kids have had the joy of experiencing her behavior and they now completely understand why I am NC.

She and uNPDf are now old (80's) and the only person around is GCsis and her kids, waiting for them to die ($$$)  They are old, alone, sick, angry....and again, they are ALONE....they are exactly where they put themselves....when my parents die, I won't bother to attend any type of service...I don't care what anyone thinks because I KNOW what they have done to me....

I'm sorry you get triggered, but you know what you experienced....People are cruel and PD's are masters at their trade....if most people recognized ten percent of what I was exposed to, they would probably faint

[gettingstronger1]

Thank you to everyone who replied to my question.  It was very helpful to me to read the responses.

I do believe in God's judgment of each soul when they die. No hiding or excuses anymore when you are face to face with the Almighty. Even things we weren't fully aware of in life will be revealed to us. But even then I believe we have a choice: to acknowledge our wrongdoing, be sorry, and ask for God's mercy, or to be obstinate in refusing responsibility. Basically I believe each of us choose Heaven or Hell for our own selves, and God respects our choice. And living (or suffering) eternally with the consequences of our own choices is justice, my friend.

As I mentioned in my original post, I find myself wondering what happens in the after life.  I realize that no one really knows until they die, but it is interesting to me to hear others thoughts and beliefs.  It bothers me a little bit that I don't really know where my mother is. She died a couple of years ago.  I have been thinking about the concept of purgatory.  It seems to me that it could be a good place to go for people who had absolutely no remorse for hurting others here on earth.  I believe that God does a life review with each of us where we see scenes from our whole life.    I think God opens their eyes to the suffering they cause.

Try looking at it this way. That obituary of your mother was of a completely fictional person. Someone who never really existed.  Deep down, your mother knew this too and it probably tormented her every day of her life that she wasn't really this fictional person that she strove so hard to portray herself as. You knew the real person. You saw through the smoke screen and the lies. She may have conned other people but you knew her real identity. Ultimately that's why she probably didn't visit you. She knew you could see through her act. That must have really annoyed her. She couldn't con you. Be proud of yourself.

You have a good point.  It seemed that PD mom didn't care that I was onto her abusive ways, but she did engage in a smear campaign against me.  On some level she had to have been threatened by my knowledge of her true self.  She worked very hard to cultivate the image of a deeply religious woman and I damaged that by speaking out about my emotional abuse.  PD mom did not show much emotion except for disdain and contempt. Maybe on the inside where I couldn't see her private thoughts she was really afraid and jealous of me. 

when my parents die, I won't bother to attend any type of service...I don't care what anyone thinks because I KNOW what they have done to me....

I am VLC with my enabling father. He is in poor health and lives in an assisted living facility so I know he is ok and his needs are met. I am wrestling with the decision of whether to attend his funeral or not after he passes.  He knew about the emotional abuse and denied it ever happened.  He was also emotionally abusive in that he gaslighted me and he accused me of damaging my sisters pregnancy. If you have time, see this link for the story. https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=45279.msg410183#msg410183 
The only reason I would go to his funeral is to avoid gossip with the extended family.  Overitall, I admire your courage in not worrying about what the extended family thinks. I am not sure I am there yet, but it is a goal to work on.

Thanks everyone in replying.  I hope you have a great day.

[overitall]

Getting stronger,
I'm sorry about your father, and I hope you can keep yourself safe from him....I learned a long time ago not to worry about what others think or say about me...if I worried about it, I would drive myself crazy...

In my family, is does NOT matter what I say or do, because I am ALWAYS at fault....I used to believe that maybe one day my FOO would stop treating me so badly, but it never stopped...so I stopped it...I stepped up and took care of myself and said NO MORE...

For me, attending any type of funeral would just allow the continuation of abuse....I went NC over eight years ago and it's the best thing I ever did....the funny thing is that my uBPDm never wanted me and literally hates me....BUT, NC drives her crazy because she has NO control....she doesn't want me around, but because I took control and ended contact, she didn't have a say in it....didn't want me, but doesn't want anyone else to want me either?  I don't know, I don't understand this part of the dynamic.

Over the past four years, I have had to attend three functions wherein I was around my uBPDm and uNPDf...whenever they get within 20 feet of me, I literally move to the other side of the room....If I have to be in close proximity, I'll say Hi and keep moving...literally, I will not stop for 2 seconds to speak with them.....

In my experience PD's NEVER change...at least my parents never did...the same dynamics of growing up in FOO continued into the next generation...GCsis' kids are PERFECT and the other grandkids are completely shunned....it hasn't affected my kids as much as it did me, but they definitely understand what my parents are all about....

You can be strong and safe....you don't owe anyone anything and you can hold your head high and do what is best for you....I hope you can protect yourself and realize that sometimes family just isn't worth it....I recreated "family" with friends that would jump in front of a moving train for me....take care of you....we all get it here, we really do