Not sure what I'm looking for here...

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foobarred

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Not sure what I'm looking for here...
« on: June 22, 2019, 05:41:16 AM »
So, inspired by the tools on this site, and by advice from my T, I tried setting boundaries on my waify uDPDm.  I'd bought some new clothes recently, and she decided that she had to have some new clothes too.  She wanted me to "help" her shop, which in my experience means hours and hours of shopping with her online, only to have everything I buy be sent back as too big, too small, wrong color, doesn't make her look good, etc.

So this time I gave her a bunch of catalogues and said, "You pick something out, and I'll order it".  This response was deemed Not Good Enough (TM), and she sulked and pouted the rest of the evening.  I "sat with the discomfort" as they say, and medium chilled the rest of the visit feeling very proud of myself.

Welp, it didn't last.  She quit helping with the housework because she was suddenly just "so tired".  I am disabled; I cannot do it myself.  I pay someone to come in twice a week, but daily things like the dishes mom used to do.  So now I'm looking at five days worth of dirty dishes in the sink and maybe having to pay for three times a week because of what I thought was a very mild boundary.

And it scared me because she pays for my health insurance.  That would be the next logical target if I continue to be a Bad Daughter (TM).  Not to mention the inheritance I was counting on to help me in my old age.

So suddenly life feels a lot more precarious than it did a few weeks ago.  If I don't set boundaries, she'll suck me dry.  If I do set boundaries, she has the power to wreck me financially.  I've worked very hard on de-enmeshing emotionally these last two years, but what good does it do me if I'm still trapped?

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: Not sure what I'm looking for here...
« Reply #1 on: June 22, 2019, 01:36:51 PM »
There's definitely power she had in a very real way and she knows how to use it.

I'm wondering if there is a way to express your boundaries or set limits in a way that is perfectly logical or completely deniable, reasonable doubt. Saying things like "I sooooo wish I could sit but I'm just soooo sick right now so maybe you can get "us" a head start and pick some nice things first" or something similar?

That's the only thing that comes to mind. When I first started trying to set boundaries I did it in the most wishy-washy pathetic way but I still walked away feeling good about myself. Some days I felt downright sneaky but I just wasn't up to the confrontation. Is uPDm was in a "mood" causing me to feel a bit unsafe I just wasn't up to meeting for lunch or going shopping. (Backstory - we used to meet for lunch and go shopping every single day) and quite honestly no I wasn't up to it because I wasn't up for the abuse or emotional distress with its resulting digestive and intestinal issues.

All that mattered to me was I stayed home in peace and avoided everything.
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M0009803

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Re: Not sure what I'm looking for here...
« Reply #2 on: June 22, 2019, 04:05:18 PM »
So, inspired by the tools on this site, and by advice from my T, I tried setting boundaries on my waify uDPDm.  I'd bought some new clothes recently, and she decided that she had to have some new clothes too.  She wanted me to "help" her shop, which in my experience means hours and hours of shopping with her online, only to have everything I buy be sent back as too big, too small, wrong color, doesn't make her look good, etc.

So this time I gave her a bunch of catalogues and said, "You pick something out, and I'll order it".  This response was deemed Not Good Enough (TM), and she sulked and pouted the rest of the evening.  I "sat with the discomfort" as they say, and medium chilled the rest of the visit feeling very proud of myself.

Welp, it didn't last.  She quit helping with the housework because she was suddenly just "so tired".  I am disabled; I cannot do it myself.  I pay someone to come in twice a week, but daily things like the dishes mom used to do.  So now I'm looking at five days worth of dirty dishes in the sink and maybe having to pay for three times a week because of what I thought was a very mild boundary.

And it scared me because she pays for my health insurance.  That would be the next logical target if I continue to be a Bad Daughter (TM).  Not to mention the inheritance I was counting on to help me in my old age.

So suddenly life feels a lot more precarious than it did a few weeks ago.  If I don't set boundaries, she'll suck me dry.  If I do set boundaries, she has the power to wreck me financially.  I've worked very hard on de-enmeshing emotionally these last two years, but what good does it do me if I'm still trapped?

I'm not sure it is possible to set boundaries with a PD-disordered individual, who can also control you financially.

Eventually, they will always invariably use the next weapon at their disposal in order to get what they want.  Escalation is simply who they are.

The stress of having to find the right amount of pushing would be significant, given that you would be at the mercy of their reactions. 

Is there any way you could possibly de-couple financially without her knowing over time?

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Thru the Rain

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Re: Not sure what I'm looking for here...
« Reply #3 on: June 22, 2019, 09:46:17 PM »
It might be worth your time to investigate what alternate health care you may be eligible for.

If you have a low enough income, ObamaCare is heavily subsidized. And if you have even lower income, Medicaid is free.