Avoiding him, no idea what to talk about and don't want to

[not broken]

My mother always said, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.  Maybe that's why I am avoiding my hwNPD?  I don't like the competition he invokes in our kids- I mean why can't we have a normal conversation at dinner, instead of whoever is the snarkiest against the other wins?  I don't like the constant negative comments.  I don't like his focus on needing my attention all the time. I don't want to even hold his hand.  I don't like his FOTY display with his "changed behavior"...for now.  I don't want to make plans.  I don't like how our kids hang out in the living room or kitchen when he is not home- but shortly after he arrives they immediately go to their own rooms.  I don't want to talk about EFT because no way am I interested in being that vulnerable.  I don't like him getting me a birthday present that he would NEVER have done before ( a weekend getaway with a girlfriend).

All of this, and I can't tell him.  I don't think I am angry, I just don't want to deal with the drama.  Our conversations don't resolve anything.  And now that I have found my voice again, he is inevitably the victim and I don't listen to him or I don't show him any empathy.  So, I just avoid him, which is not helpful and I know I can't do forever.  Maybe I feel stuck in this safe little space I have now? Any advice?  Questions to ask myself?  Where to focus my thoughts? 

[notrightinthehead]

I lived with this emotional distance to my NPDh for a few years. Quietly and steadily working on an alternative life. I went away for longer and longer periods. I was extremely lucky to find a place where I could be by myself. Somehow all the abuse over the years had killed my love for him. Still, I used the strategies from the toolbox to keep my homelife calm and avoided confrontation or honest exchange.

Maybe you could allow your fantasies to roam free and start imagining a life that you actually want for yourself. Plan it in detail and do some day dreaming about it.  This worked for me as my 'happy place' also, when times were bad and I felt low, I put myself into that alternate life and worked on some fantasy detail, it usually made me feel better.

That kind of daydreaming allows you to explore what set-up you actually would like and once you have a good feel what you want you can start to work towards achieving it. The freer you allow your fantasies to explore, the more fun you might have with it. And you could start to work on your options - what do you need to have in place should you decide to leave? What needs to happen for you to stay?

[bohemian butterfly]

I like notrightinthehead's idea, "imagining a life that you want for yourself.  Plan it in detail."

I am in the process of leaving, but I took small steps every day (which was empowering)  One day I bought a lock (for a rental storage unit), then I called about a rental storage unit (from work phone as we share a cell phone account).  I felt guilty making these plans behind his back, but I feel like I am safer doing it this way.  I am leaving his place.....  I can't risk getting kicked out before I am safely set up.  8 more days and then I close on a house.

I have been daydreaming about this house.  I drive by it every morning.  It's weird because I actually drew my dream house in my journal a few months ago and this cute little cottage looks just how I imagined it!

Your fantasy is like a protective detachment, a way to tolerate the situation while you prepare a safe getaway plan.  It's like an emergency escape hatch.

While still in the home, I am detaching and avoiding as well.  Luckily, he likes working outside, so I stay inside.

[capybara]

I don't have advice, but I feel for you. I realized I am instinctively distancing too. I just can't be on his roller coaster of emotions. It's too draining and takes too much from the rest of my life.

DH called me on it last night just as I was settling in to sleep, . I don't know what to say or do. I don't want to end the relationship, but I can't and won't give him the boundary-free relationship he wants either.

So I guess no advice, but sympathy.

[20yrsofcrazy]

Not broken,

I could have written this exact post 3 years ago. 

Not sure that I have any advice but hang in there and don't force yourself to connect if it doesn't feel safe to do so.  Trust your gut. 

Hugs!

[GentleSoul]

I don't have any advice as such but wanted to say I hear you.  I relate to how you feel.  I have nothing to say to my uPD husband either.  However as he talks in monologues, I just sit back and let his voice float over the top of my head.  I stay with him for a brief coffee then I leave his room. 

Luckily as our home is set up, pretty much in two separate apartments, I can have just brief contact with him. 

I live in Medium Chill, I tell him nothing about me or what is going on.   If I did he would interfere and make it all very complicated!

[delmiss]

 lived with this emotional distance to my NPDh for a few years. Quietly and steadily working on an alternative life. I went away for longer and longer periods. I was extremely lucky to find a place where I could be by myself. Somehow all the abuse over the years had killed my love for him. Still, I used the strategies from the toolbox to keep my homelife calm and avoided confrontation or honest exchange.