Lack of a male role model

Started by Stepping lightly, June 17, 2019, 08:51:15 AM

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athene1399

 :'( That is so sad SL (how BM/BF don't' pay attention). I'm glad the kids have you and DH. :)

Stepping lightly

Ok, response has been sent.....tick tock on the explosion.  DH took the positive spin.  The problem is, BM has a plan, she always does.  She knows well enough how DH will respond, so she already knows how she will trap him.  I don't know her intent here for sure, but she has one, she always does.  She may claim that DH always interferes in what she does to try and help the kids, but he is their father....whether she likes it or not.  We have proof of her trying to slide BF into the daddy role, and now using an external group to chip further away at DH's already limited time, I'm anxiously curious to see what comes back at us.  And on top of it, poor DSS.  He told her wanted more time with DH, so she had him diagnosed as mentally ill.  *sigh*

Penny Lane

Quote from: Stepping lightly on June 18, 2019, 07:43:04 AM
they like to show how smart they are

:rofl:

GOOD LUCK! DH just sent our BM an email she's not gonna like either. It can be so anxiety producing to just wait and see what happens. Hope you have something that requires a lot of focus to take your mind off it for awhile!

Arkhangelsk

In the end, parenting is a verb.

Kids know who is doing it, blood connection or no.

athene1399

I hope the inevitable nastygram isn't too bad. Good luck! And please keep up posted.  ;D

Stepping lightly

I didn't read the response, but DH said she accused him of making this "all about himself and not thinking of DSS".  DH responded pointing out the fact that he was thinking of DSS, as his biological father who is best suited to be the role model she points out that he needs right now, and by ignoring that, this is really about her.  To tie it up, he said DSS would not be participating during DH's time. 

It's always something.

athene1399

I think she didn't like that he kind of pointed out "What do you mean 'no male role model'? He can spend more time with me if you feel that way." when she meant it as a jab. I don't think she thought it through at all. Probably thought everyone else would view it through her distorted lens and was thrown for a loop when DH said he wanted to be the male role model. She basically is showing she wants her son to spend more time with a father-figure, yet never imagined it could be seen as her wanting her son spending more time with Dad (because that's the opposite of what she wants). Like she tried to say "you're not in the picture so you suck" and DH pointed out "I would love to be in the picture, and if you think DSS needs more time with a father-figure, I want to be a part of that." So... if it's about DSS and a father-figure, then how is it not about DH?  :stars: I know we all see it, and she can't because her intentions were to hurt DH's feelings. It sounds like DH did point this out to her (she probably gets where he is coming from which is why she was so pissed). I'm guessing either she will drop it or try to sneak him in the program anyway. Which is also crap because I'm sure there's kids out there who really don't have a dad that would benefit from this program.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds really frustrating!

Stepping lightly

I actually think her intent is to try and show that DH never thinks about DSS, only about what he can try use to get more custody time.  This was really a stupid move though, as she's already been nailed by a judge for trying to force DH out as the father figure and this example is excessively obvious.  DSS may participate on HER time, but he won't be on our time. She'll tell DSS that DH wouldn't allow him to participate in this fun group, and she'll try to martyr herself about how she is moving mountains so he can do it at least on her time. 

Honestly- all that shows to me, is that she thinks her BF is an inadequate role model since he's the man DSS is around the most.  I couldn't agree more based on what I've seen from him.

Penny Lane

Quote from: Stepping lightly on June 27, 2019, 10:32:41 AM
I actually think her intent is to try and show that DH never thinks about DSS, only about what he can try use to get more custody time.

There's always a catch 22 isn't there? If he doesn't object he is an absent father, if he does object he only cares about the kids to get more custody time.

Stepping lightly

Yep, lose lose, every situation with BM is setup as a lose lose....she's a pro.

athene1399

The whole martyr thing drives me batty. BM does that to us too. But I agree. She is showing more that BF is not a good role model and probably doesn't even realize it. I also think this whole thing will not look good for her in front of a judge.

Arkhangelsk

Sometimes I try to imagine what people like this are thinking.  It really seems they believe themselves and that they are acting in their kids' best interest.   

Sigh.  I just had a three-week stretch with my kids.  When there have a stretch away from their dad, so much goodness blossoms.  They get really anxious right before they go back.  :(

Stepping lightly

We see the goodness blossom during longer stretches as well.  It is so nice to see the kids settle into just being themselves and not having to live up to whatever expectation BM has thrust upon them.    There is stress when they return to BM, which of course she blames on DH.

Arkhangelsk

Agreed. 

The worst is that soon they go for their dad's 3 week stretch.  That is always nerve wrecking.  We never know what they are going to be like when they get back.

Stepping lightly

And....she did it, she signed him up for the group for boys "without a father figure"...Not sure if DH knows, I saw it pop up on the shared calendar.  He did put his foot down, and said that under no circumstances would this group take time away from him and DSS being together.

Penny Lane

This is all truly insane but I guess that's normal for her. I wish this would backfire on her in a spectacular way somehow, like DSS reports her abuse to his counselor and they call CPS and your H gets custody instead. We can dream, right?

Stepping lightly

OH, totally funny you say that PL- DSS had a "breakthrough" with his T this summer.  We never got the details, but he was VERY upset after a session when DH went to pick him up, he had to wait for 45 minutes after for DSS to compose himself because he didn't want anyone to know.  Some weird stuff happened after that, T cancelled the next 2 sessions (he had them for a week straight during our time this summer).  DH never heard from her again.  BM scheduled a  check in discussion with the T, and there have been no additional appointments scheduled.  BM shoved this T down our throats, used it last summer to try and force us to reschedule vacation because DSS couldn't miss therapy for more than a week, and now it's been 2 months since he's gone.  I think she didn't like what the T had to say and for the 2nd time in DSS' life, and I assume BM canned the T.  We are holding for a minute now that school is back in and the schedule is sort of back to "normal" to see if she schedules anything.  I'll slyly check in with DSS too to see if he's gone, it's a "fun" type of therapy so it's easy to ask about.  If not, DH is going to touch base with the T.  The first time this happened, DH had decision making for therapy and the T was onto BM.  She produced a report that was pretty damning, and BM filed malpractice. 

athene1399

Wow. I am sorry she signed him up for the activity for kids w/o a male role model. Maybe DH can volunteer there and get more time with his kids that way.

I do wonder what happened with the T. The T must have started learning too much about BM through DSS. Our BPDBM definitely does "splitting" where if she feels someone isn't on her side anymore, they are a bad person. it's that black-and-white thinking. Plus she doesn't like anyone who knows how she really is. She has to keep that mask up. If they no longer buy her crap, she cuts ties and moves on after an excuse about how bad the person was.

I hope you can use what the T says against BM to get more time if you want to go that route.

Stepping lightly

Thanks Athene and PL.  Sadly, it seemed like DSS was enjoying his therapy, and the fact he was starting to open up was really a positive for him.  We have always felt like we just want him (and DSD) to have a safe place to understand the choas around them.  It seemed like he was getting that with her. The T wanted to provide a written update to to the parents, and we were really worried what that would mean.  DH didn't say anything, and we talked long about whether he should.  We wanted therapy to continue,  and no matter what the T would put in that report it would not help DSS, BM would make sure if that.  In addition, the damage BM did to the other T when she wrote a summary was devastating.  In the end, we decided to let the cards fall where they may, if DH said anything it may have looked like he was afraid of what would be in the report. BM got a hold of the T before anything was sent out...so..here we are.

Arkhangelsk

Therapy is such a terrifying tool with a PD involved and a child at the center of it.  You just have to sit back and hope for a competent health care provider.  We have run into therapist that see what my ex is doing (the ex gets rid of them) and those that do not (the ex clings to them and our kid reports that he cannot tell the therapist anything, because, "it will get back to dad."

I do not see any solution beyond waiting for the kid to get old enough to have a say in it.  :(