Trauma Bond addiction

[2_exhausted]

Hi.

I just started reading about trauma bind feeling like an addiction withdrawal. This struck me. Ever since I can remember, almost every breakup, even in high school, felt physical to me. I would panic, ruminate, cry, have abdominal pain, insomnia, etc.

Now it makes sense. My mom was/is uBPD, most relationships were abusive somehow. So even though I KNEW, the break up was the best thing for me, my withdrawal was painful.

How do I deal with this? I need to end the 10 year debacle I am in now. When I had a "depressive episode" a few years ago & could not function, I was living with him, but it felt safer to go to my UBPD mom's & exist in my room.  I rarely had any contact with N bf. I couldn't.

I need to get myself well. I just called N bf to end it, but of course, he did not answer and has been playing phone games for the past 2 weeks.

Thanks for listening.

[Penny Lane]

Hi 2_exhausted,


Good for you for recognizing this and taking steps to become healthier. Do you have a therapist who you can worth through this with?

Are you looking more for advice on healing or advice on ending things?

If it's the second one, in my opinion, if your bf won't accept a phone call from you (!!) you are well within your rights to break up with him over text, then block him. I know it's not that easy - but again, you wouldn't be doing anything wrong.

The healing of course will take longer and be more work. I'm so glad to hear you say you need to get yourself well. It will be very hard, but I think you will be so much happier after you work on YOUR needs.

[not broken]

2-exhausted,
Looking internally is a huge first step!  Congratulations and I wish you healing and peace.  I have recently been focused on trauma bond for myself in recovery, and had a similar AHA moment in reflecting on past boyfriends/relationships.  What I have learned and embraced is that it truly is an addiction, so needs to be treated in a similar way.  I started focusing on the trauma bond when I was able to step back and let go of the resentment for my NPDh, and to focus on me instead because I started to accept that I could not change him. Two books really helped me with this.

Boundaries, Where You End and I Begin by Anne Katherine, MA

The Betrayal Bond, Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships by Patrick Carned, PhD (fyi- if you look this author up, his site is all about sex addiction, don't be alarmed.  I felt the book was SPOT ON for my experience with my NPDh and also so insightful into myself and my early childhood relationships and trauma)

It has been about two months since I have read these and made changes mentally, which have in turn helped me make positive changes in my behaviors in relationships.  I would describe it almost as a shift in mindset- which has made me a much happier person. 

The most recent book that I have read that has been just as amazing for me is, Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist by Maragalis Fjelshad. Sometimes I buy the actual paperback, or I also get them on Audible and listen while driving or walking around the house- and everyone thinks I am listening to music.

One thing about these books is that I have made changes in all different types of my relationships- even with my kids- and it has felt fantastic!

[2_exhausted]

Thank you PL & not broken,

I am having such a rough time. I will look into the books suggested. I know I need a trauma therapist. I just spoke with a neighbor, whom does OT at an inpatient psych unit. I brought up my mom....the neighbor warned me that I may be a borderline as well...I said that I am sure I have some fleas, but all of the Ts I have been to have assured me I do not have a PD. I told her that I need to visit my childhood trauma & break the bonds.  I guess those are the new buzzwords in psychology? Because she knew what I was talking about.

I saw my uBPD mom this morning at my aunt's....she went into full blown Joan Crawford rage mode.  I really feel like cashing everything in, picking a location 1000 plus miles away & just moving.

Wishing everyone peace.