Came Back

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Came Back
« on: June 17, 2019, 01:44:54 PM »
Hi all. I decided to come back to OOTF after years of not posting, just reading through the forums. This is such a great place for support, something that we all need.

I've lived with my UNBF for a long time, maybe 5 years. we've been together for way longer than that. You can say I've become financially dependent on him and have been trying to break out for a few years now without success. I was able to keep a job for 5 months before it became more of a hassle to have one then be home to keep things peaceful with him. When I was at work he would call/text numerous times throughout the day asking silly questions or ranting about something I or my kids did wrong. Not just ranting that could be ignored, but yelling/cussing tempers that would set my anxiety into overdrive making it very difficult to deal with customers. He would make it difficult for me to leave for work in the mornings by making requests for breakfast then stomping around calling me selfish if I didn't have time. He often told me I didn't need to work so not to worry about it, he'd ask that I stop at the store on the way home to get food for dinner then lead me on a wild goose chase in the store trying to find what he needed/wanted. I felt like my kids were suffering being stuck at home with him and I constantly had a knot in my stomach. Looking back I seriously regret quitting and can't believe I made that decision. After quitting I didn't work for a couple months because I thought staying home and..keeping house would appease him. It didn't. My list of chores grew and he did (and still does) nothing to help out around the house. I took on a side hustle a year ago - I'll keep the exact job to myself just in case - and I love it. It keeps me out of the house enough during the day, but its not enough money to get out on my own. So I'm back at square one, trying to find employment. I feel so locked down. its hard to focus on anything, but my environment. If he sees me sending out resumes he immediately starts telling me I don't need to work and if I do want to work then sending out resumes online is not the way to go and won't work. He strongly feels I need to put on business attire and drive my resume around to businesses or go out and meet people that can help me find a job. if he's having a bad day and I don't respond how he thinks I should he'll escalate the situation by yelling that I don't know anything about finding a job and am I stupid etc. Of course this sends me into shut down mode and I get nothing done.

He works from home, never EVER leaving the house. When I say never I mean he usually leaves for a few hours one day a month and that's sometimes too hard for him. Since he doesn't leave he sort of gets cabin fever or grouchy from being stuck inside all the time. It also means he expects me to be home to provide whatever he needs. When I am out working he interrupts me on a regular. All the household chores have fallen on me and if he does have to do something he throws a fit because I'm here and my teenage son is here so he shouldn't have to do anything. He sleeps, eats and stares at his computer all day.

In April of 2018 there was in incident between him and my teenage son. The police had to be called. Due to that my son only stays with me once a week. My bf claims the incident as we describe is false and we lied, but we didn't and he was severely drunk. I hate myself for staying after that. I hate myself for a lot of reasons. Its time for me to move on and become the adult I need to be for my kids and myself.

Thanks for listening.


Penny Lane

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Re: Came Back
« Reply #1 on: June 17, 2019, 01:50:26 PM »
Welcome back! I'm so sorry you're dealing with this and that it's affecting your relationship with your kids.

I hope you can learn to forgive yourself - this stuff is hard, and a lot of people on these board have made hard choices because of people with PDs.

Have you checked out the separating and divorcing forum? A lot of people there have been right in your shoes and can offer kind, nonjudgmental support.