Same script, different day but have to vent anyway

Started by athene1399, June 14, 2019, 06:39:02 AM

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athene1399

I'm just irritated over BM and need to vent, but it's nothing new and nothing that would surprise anyone. But once I get it off my chest I can move on to radically accept what a selfish jerk she is and will always be.

BM asked SO for more money, this time saying she needed it to pay for SD's prom updo (even though a friend of hers is doing her hair). This was the only thing BM said she would take care of for prom and prom coming up isn't a surprise (but we know PDs generally can't plan ahead, but that still doesn't make me feel better). SO said no because of how much he's invested in prom already. BM said there is no way she can afford this because she's maxed out on the money she's been borrowing from others (her mom just helped her buy a used car. She wanted a new car since I got mine last year. Kept bringing it up and finally found a way to get it. Her previous ploy was asking SO to pay off her old car so she could give it to SD then buy a new one herself.  :stars: This time she got her mom to help her out. BM will start a new temp job soon, but has no idea if it will lead to a long term job. So probably not a good time to upgrade her car. Sorry for the side rant guys.).

Anyway, what I'm irked about is when SO said no to giving her more money, BM went on this tirade about "you didn't drop off groceries for SD this week so I've been buying her food and I've been picking her up from school so have been  going through more gas than I should...  :blahblahblah:" That got on my nerves because I was going to pick up SD from school this week except BM texted SO saying SHE WANTED TO DO IT.  :blowup: You can't throw that in our faces as an excuse for not having money when we didn't ask you to do that. If we would say "No, you can't pick up SD" I'm sure the cops would have been called on me. And BM's the one who pressured SD to stay exclusively at her house (saying how she's 10 min closer to the high school so that's more sleep SD can get if she stays there. ). If you can't afford her staying there, then you should have thought of that before pressuring her to stay with you all the time. But once again, she just doesn't want to be alone and had the mission of enmeshing SD for the last 5 years. Doesn't care if she can't really take care of her (Especially when there's no good reason why SD can't stay with us). And it's not like BM lost her job yesterday. She lost it in January. Effing January. BM was supposed to be dong a side job with flexible hours, but every day doesn't feel up to doing it so doesn't. That's not our effing problem. Ugg. I'm just ranting here because obviously we can't say any of this to her because it's just JADEing and would start an endless argument we can't win (so we didn't respond at all. Take that BM! No supply from us). Sometimes I literally want to smack her upside her stupid head. 

SO was ranting to me last night about all the times we've exclusively took care of SD when BM's been in the psych ward (not counting when he took care of SD before I came into the picture when BM disappeared from the planet for a year or so), and the last time when my mother took BM's dog and bought him more food because he ran out and never asked to be paid back. Apparently none of that counts. One week we didn't drop off groceries and it's a big problem.  :blink:

I seriously cannot wait until SD starts college and dorms so she can get away from that woman. So close yet so far away...lol

BM just triggers the crap out of me. Her victim mentality drives me bonkers. Plus I'm stressed over some of my own stuff, so it's not helping. It's just going to be a crazy summer. I understand BM will never change. I expected her to go extra crazy this summer for the "empty nest" reasons. Maybe I should figure out why BM triggers me just in case things don't get better when SD goes to college. I'm assuming BM will not like that she can't use SD as an excuse to get money and will probably try to go on a tirade about anything she can think of. I think I will suggest we go NC after SD graduates and moves into her dorm. There's literally no reason we would need to talk to BM after that.

Now I have a question: Can we tell SD we are planning on going NC with BM? How does that work? What if SD asks why we're ignoring her mom's texts (if we don't' tell her about the NC)? Can we say we've blocked her because there's really no reason to communicate anymore? Or is that opening up a can of worms?

Thanks again for listening. I feel a lot better now. :) I just didn't want to join SO in his rant last night because I didn't want to add fuel to his fire, but needed to get this off my chest. lol I think SO's more mad at himself for lending BM money last week (or whenever it was). I think that made him more mad about this exchange with her than he normally would have been. Rant officially over.

Stepping lightly

Hi Athene- ranting here does help!  I know sometimes it helps my brain stop spiraling about an issue, and it doesn't help DH when I get like that.

One of the things we try to do with requests for extra money is to pay the person directly rather than give BM the money.  This ensures the money goes where it is intended and may help in cutting down on requests if she thinks she can pocket any "extra".  And it really is ok to say "no, we can't swing that request" if it puts a strain on your finances.

I expect BM is going to fire up- she is going to be alone soon, and from what I've read that is the biggest fears for a person with BPD.  The best you can do is prepare yourself, and ignore like 100% of what comes your way.  With SD going off to school, you no longer have to deal with BM much, if at all.  I would suggest NC if you can manage it.  I would not tell SD, it will likely be stressful for her, as now she may feel she has to manage BM all by herself.  But really, you should be able to communicate what you need to with SD directly.  We are EXTREMELY low contact with BM, and the kids are 12/14.

You've got this!  Take care of yourself- and seriously...try to block her out.  It helps me to think that the worst thing for BM is to see us relaxed and happy....so that's my goal!  A win win for once!

athene1399

QuoteOne of the things we try to do with requests for extra money is to pay the person directly rather than give BM the money.  This ensures the money goes where it is intended and may help in cutting down on requests if she thinks she can pocket any "extra".
This is excellent advice! I think that's part of why SO didn't trust what BM was saying. Usually stuff like that comes from SD. Like SD asked for the dress money and gave SO a receipt, SO paid the tailor who did the alterations after SD asked. He gave SD the money for the ticket. So BM asking for money for the hair sounded odd. We try to give the money to SD or pay directly ourselves whenever possible. That's part of why SO buys the groceries. BM asked for money for food so we just bought the food SD picked out. It was far less money than BM wanted.

But yes. It will get worse before it gets better and ignoring her will make our lives so much easier. The only thing we may have to stay in contact over is the insurance which is a royal pain in the butt because BM switches jobs (and therefore insurance) frequently. The last time she never gave us to info so we never paid her. Assuming that was a scam since she never took us to court. SO has to ask his lawyer about the emancipation thing to see exactly what that means. We may be worry free for a year, or may have to worry for another 2.5.

But on the other hand, if BM does petition to change the custody and takes SO to court for support, she'd get less than we give SD now so maybe we should just let it fly and see what happens. Our concern before was BM taking SD to the doctors since there was a Munchhausen by proxy going on, but BM can't view the medical records anymore since she's 18. Also, even with SD staying at BM's she asks one of us to take her to the doctor or make appointments anyway. I just feel like SD has more autonomy at her age so who has custody may not matter as much. Maybe others can weigh in on this thought and lmk what they think. I would love to hear if others had the custody changed after 18 and if they felt it really mattered or not. I kind of want to know if worrying about being taken to court even matters at SD's age. SO isn't collecting child support, so there would be nothing changing there. He would have to pay BM child support, but it would likely be less than we're paying for groceries and other stuff now. We would still buy most things for SD if she asks. So it wouldn't affect her (that I can foresee).

But it will be so nice to not have to worry about it. SO often doesn't respond when she texts him because it's usually nonsense or a sob-story that really doesn't concern us. So it's LC from us. I am throwing a party the day we go NC.  :cool2: Maybe if SD mentions anything  about SO ignoring BM we'll just say he hasn't had a chance to check the messages or forgot to get back to her. I doubt SD would say anything anyway.  I'm just hyper-vigilant about odd stuff i guess. I'm sure we all are.

Boy am I chatty today. lol Sorry for the long posts! Thanks for listening.  :)

Stepping lightly

so for the insurance, why do you have to discuss?  If she is holding the insurance coverage for SD, and SD is 18 and can have her own insurance card- the only thing I can think of is $$.  And if she wants reimbursements, she can send the bills over/explanation of benefits from the insurance company for you to pay.

If SD asks about SO not responding to BM, you can just say, " if there is something we can do for you/you can let us know."

DSD emails DH directly now, it's just easier all around since BM just rages.  We suspect/know BM is helping DSD craft the messages, because they have the BM passive aggressive phrases threaded throughout, but they are MUCH better than BM launching rockets through email.

Arkhangelsk

Athene,

Honestly, in your shoes I would go NC and I would tell my kids that I had done it.  "Ann, we have decided not to speak with your BM anymore.  It is painful for use when we do, so we are going to stop.  If you need something, let us know.  We will do our best to help you."

I would also simply ignore any and all requests for money forevermore, no matter what, end of story. 

This seems scary, because you do not know what BM will do. But she is already completely unpredictable.  Your answering her somethings, giving her cash sometimes, sometimes not - it might feel like you are control a scape of something.  But you are not.

This is just advice I would give to past me.  Sending a hug as well.

athene1399

Quoteso for the insurance, why do you have to discuss?
SO is court ordered to split half the difference between the single and family plan with BM. Usually he has to keep asking for a letter from HR and a copy of her stub to make sure what she is saying matches. Last time she gave him a cost. He asked for evidence, and never got it so never paid. Part of the discussion is BM owes SO money for medical stuff for SD. He asked last time if he could not pay the first two months since BM owed him money. She tried to come up with another scam, but it didn't stick because she lost the job. Right now SD is on medicaid, but if BM decides on secondary insurance SO pays because BM usually says she drops the medicaid (even when she doesn't). SO can't access the medicaid to verify himself. I wish we could change the court agreement, but since SD's getting close to aging out it would probably be wasted money at this point.

QuoteIf SD asks about SO not responding to BM, you can just say, " if there is something we can do for you/you can let us know."
This is a great idea. We kind of did this the other day. SO told SD he knows she;s been tired after school, but she has to let him know when she needs something or BM give him a hard time. He added something like I don't want to cause drama, I just need you to let me know when you need anything. But I think he could say "we've decided not to talk to BM anymore unless she is sending medical/insurance info because there's no other reason to talk, so please let us know if you need anything and we will take care of it." That way when she starts ranting again we can skim it and then pretend it doesn't exist if it isn't relevant.  Once the insurance crap is over we can go NC.

Penny Lane

I agree that you can and should go NC with her once SD is in college and I'm not sure you even need to proactively tell SD. Unless she asks, of course. But barring that I mean she's an adult, there's not much reason for your SO to talk to her mom. It doesn't have to be a whole WE ARE NO LONGER SPEAKING just like, if she asks, a chill "well you're an adult now and I can just work directly with you to get you what you need from me." And then you can just work with her on whatever she needs. I mean with a reasonable coparenting relationship I think communication would drop off pretty dramatically at this point, right? You don't need to JADE about it.

If you can't go NC totally because of insurance, the barest of bare bones BIFFs is the way to go I think. "For me to reimburse you, you are required to show XYZ." Then that's it, either she comes up with it or she doesn't. Or does that only last till she's 18? In which case, yeah, NC all the way.

I am counting down the days till we can be in your position, that's for sure!

athene1399

They have to split the insurance until SD is 21, unless she starts living on her own. For how often BM switches/looses jobs the insurance is so annoying. I'm sure everyone has the same problems. I was so mad when the courts decided to put her in charge of it. It's been a nuisance ever since. But the last job she never gave us the letter about the cost so SO never paid and nothing bad happened. We assumed her insurance was covered, but she was trying to get money from us anyway. I told SO about going NC and he was like "We can do that?" with a big grin on his face. He looked so relieved.

On a funny, not really related side-note, BM asked SO if I would help her put together something for SD's grad party. SO gave BM my number  :aaauuugh:, yet I've not heard a peep. I'm assuming she thought we'd say "no" so didn't expect anything to come out of it. She probably planned a sob story of "I was going to do x and couldn't because Athene refused to help me." Now she has to change her sob story because she has my number. lol But as soon as this grad party is done, that NC is going to feel amazing!  :cool2:

Stepping lightly

I bet SO grinned at the thought of freedom from BM!   I would think BM has to prove to you what you owe, otherwise, why would you pay it?  I guess the challenging part is when the insurance stops and you keep paying, but that is nothing but good for you in the eyes of the court, and bad for her.   You should get a yearly statement, and a refund for any over payments when she didn't notify you the insurance lapsed.

BM holds insurance for my SKs too.  She railroaded the process, and I think part of it is because she has Munchhausen by Proxy and she could keep the doctor's visits hidden until she needed to use them against us.  Anyway, she refuses to show the Explanation of Benefits so DH could see what is due AFTER the insurance paid it's portion.  So basically, I assume DH is paying 75% (his cut of everything) and she is pocketing what insurance reimburses.  DH has decided not to push the issue, and we figure if she wants to come after us for more CS, we will subpoena the last 3 years of EOBs and calculate the amount of over payment she's pocketed.  When you are paying $1000/month on top of CS, she might be making money.

athene1399

Yeah. We don't get the EOB either even though we ask. And sometimes after she charges SO for half of what the insurance didn't cover, she sends the same receipt to the secondary insurance to get reimbursed. Once we noticed she was doing this, we told her we will not reimburse a thing until she can prove the secondary insurance refused to cover.  She tried saying that's invading her privacy. But when we stuck to our guns she never took us to court, so she must have been doing something shady. It's just so annoying. Once we figure out her game and put a stop to it, she tries something else.

And she is supposed to give us proof of insurance/something official from HR showing what comes out of her check. She didn't with the last job, so we never paid the amount she said it was. And she didn't take us to court for not paying, so once again, something shady must have been going on.