Allowing my kids access to my uBPD parent

[Blackduckdiva]

Hi all,
It's been a while since I last posted. Hope you are all travelling well 
Two years ago I went NC with my uBPDM and enF. It's been a time of self-nurturing and healing, and a good exercise in saying 'no' to them in a way I never have done before.
I'm now exploring the idea of allowing my children to see them again. It's been three years since they have seen each other and my children (twins) are now 6. They ask to see their grandparents from time to time and we have no other family. (Their F is not involved.) We do have a very strong community and they are well-adjusted happy kids.
Access would be supervised and arranged via a third party professional. I wouldn't need to have any direct contact and a friend would ferry them to and from visits. Visits would be a day or half day two or three times a year. There would be no other contact outside these supervised visits.
I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences. A psych I have seen in the past warned me against this, saying anyone who is not safe for me is not safe for my children. I know this is a theme that has often been explored here. I have no desire to see my parents or engage with them in any way.
However, I feel my conscience is not clear when it comes to keeping my children away from their grandparents and vice versa. There are no other grandchildren in our family. I'm very conscious though that by opening the door in this way that I am potentially opening a Pandora's box.
Thanks in advance for your thoughts
BDD

[Amadahy]

Hi BDD! Your wee ones are six, so they last saw their grands when they were four.  Hmmm. I think when they ask to see grands, perhaps they are asking for contact with the *idea* of having grands. I doubt they much remember the actual folk. Know what I mean? If they have friends with grands or see tele shows with grands, then they'd like grands, too, perhaps. Just a thought. 😊

My gut response is "no way" would I let them have access, but that seems very cut and dry and these things never are. Could you give it a go with Skype or FaceTime or some such and see how that is? Baby steps, I guess. Unfortunately, I see the potential for much more harm than good, but I am looking through the lens of one whose Nmom nearly wrecked my older son, even as he was a young adult when she unleashed her venom without me there to run interference. It really did nearly wreck him, 😢

As you know, whatever you decide, you have our support and care!  Hugs!

[all4peace]

BDD, are you willing to remind us of some of the reasons you went NC?

I think it would be wise to heed the counsel of the professional you paid to help you navigate this really challenging topic. I believe that this topic is SO fraught with emotional responses that it is very hard for us to come to truly rational conclusions. I understand the guilt and shame around this topic, but your kids have likely been doing just fine without them the last 2 years, and it does potentially open a Pandora's box to open up this channel again.

I am glad you're seeking counsel first. I would ask you to consider reframing your view. You say "keeping my children away from their grandparents." I would suggest a different vantage point which might sound more like "keeping my children from unsafe people" or "having a united front within my own small FOC" or even "choosing relationship with those who are able to be consistently healthy for me and my children."

There are so many ways of bringing healthy relationship into our kids' lives through our own friends, their teachers, coaches, mentors.

My best to you.

[Blackduckdiva]

Thanks all4peace,
I went NC after my parents reneged on a property deal when my boys were babies. They required me to sell my own house before they agreed to the deal, and then when they reneged, I was left essentially homeless - at a time when I was at my most vulnerable, as a single parent with two babies working in casual employment. It was devastating. They reneged because I refused to jump through any more of their hoops - even though I had jumped through many hoops already. The final straw was when they started family law proceedings to see their grandchildren. (I had asked for a break in contact at the time, because I found the regular skype contact and occasion weekend visits to be very bullying and upsetting.) The case didn't eventuate because where I live, in most cases, mediation is required before cases proceed to court, and the meditator recognised the genuine fear I had around mediating with them. I went NC after that and a friend has been go-between. I don't accept calls or emails or presents etc.
All of this, of course, was on top of many years of coercion and control, emotional manipulation and emotional and verbal violence in my FOO.
Thanks for the thoughts and reframes all4peace and Amadahy,
Best wishes
BBD

[all4peace]

Blackduckdiva, what a frightening and destabilizing time you would have gone through because of how your family treated you! I'm so sorry. Only you can decide what to do next, but I would very much agree with your T that you not open that door. They showed a frightening level of disregard for your well-being or the well-being of your very young children.  It's hard to imagine that would have suddenly changed, and that they are now somehow safe and loving people.

[Penny Lane]

It sounds like your parents have already tried to use your kids as leverage against you. I think any crack in your boundaries is likely to be seen as an opening to do more of the same.

My stepkids have a uPD mom. It's frustrating that my H has to try to work with her to get things done with the kids. But by far the worst stuff she does is the lies she tells them and the anger she causes them to feel. I expect your situation would be the same and your kids would come back saying "why are you so mean to grandma and grandpa, they just want to love you?" Or worse.

I don't think you owe them time with grandchildren - they lost that privilege long ago. They've shown you they don't have the kids' best interests at heart.

Like all4peace said, I can't tell you what to do. But I urge you to consider who this benefits - is it you and the kids, or your parents?

Have you ever thought about signing the kids up for like an "adopt a grandparent" program? When I was growing up they had one at the library and it was pretty cool. That might ease some of the sting of not having healthy family to turn to.

[bohemian butterfly]

Blackduckdiva,

Thank you for posting and I am so sorry that you had to travel through that pain.

My heart and gut sort of seized up when I read this because I am just blown away by your parents actions.

I echo others answers, I would listen to the professional.  If they suggest not doing this, I would definitely listen.  I would not trust your parents at all.

Please remember why you went NC.  It doesn't matter if your kids are their only grandchildren, you owe them nothing!  They put you and your kids at risk to prove a point?  Nope, I wouldn't trust them at all. 

If in doubt, reread what you wrote:

I went NC after my parents reneged on a property deal when my boys were babies. They required me to sell my own house before they agreed to the deal, and then when they reneged, I was left essentially homeless - at a time when I was at my most vulnerable, as a single parent with two babies working in casual employment. It was devastating. They reneged because I refused to jump through any more of their hoops - even though I had jumped through many hoops already. The final straw was when they started family law proceedings to see their grandchildren. (I had asked for a break in contact at the time, because I found the regular skype contact and occasion weekend visits to be very bullying and upsetting.) The case didn't eventuate because where I live, in most cases, mediation is required before cases proceed to court, and the meditator recognised the genuine fear I had around mediating with them. I went NC after that and a friend has been go-between. I don't accept calls or emails or presents etc.
All of this, of course, was on top of many years of coercion and control, emotional manipulation and emotional and verbal violence in my FOO.

If they did this to you, they will do this to your children.  Please don't give them the chance to manipulate them (because they will try).   They started law proceedings to see your kids?!  um, no.

Push guilt away, that is just conditioning.  You owe them nothing. 

[bohemian butterfly]

BDD, are you willing to remind us of some of the reasons you went NC?

I think it would be wise to heed the counsel of the professional you paid to help you navigate this really challenging topic. I believe that this topic is SO fraught with emotional responses that it is very hard for us to come to truly rational conclusions. I understand the guilt and shame around this topic, but your kids have likely been doing just fine without them the last 2 years, and it does potentially open a Pandora's box to open up this channel again.

I am glad you're seeking counsel first. I would ask you to consider reframing your view. You say "keeping my children away from their grandparents." I would suggest a different vantage point which might sound more like "keeping my children from unsafe people" or "having a united front within my own small FOC" or even "choosing relationship with those who are able to be consistently healthy for me and my children."

There are so many ways of bringing healthy relationship into our kids' lives through our own friends, their teachers, coaches, mentors.

My best to you.

    this.  100%

[Medowynd]

Children can thrive without grandparents and can be hurt by bad grandparents.  If your parents have access to your children, without your presence, what will stop them from badmouthing you to them.  Would friend be able to remove the children at an earlier than agreed time with a hassle from your parents?  Would this visitation encourage the grandparents to seek more visitation through the courts?

I remember reading your posts from a few years ago and I had just wondered in the last few weeks how you are doing.  With healthy children and a thriving life, I would think long and hard about bringing your parents back into the lives of your children