Thinking about goals that won't overwhelm me

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Oscen

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Thinking about goals that won't overwhelm me
« on: April 21, 2019, 01:24:09 PM »
One of the crappy things my parents did was not speak to me about my future, or encourage me to plan ahead. When I was in high school, I just had absolutely no ambitions, because I felt like it was not allowed; that I would be mocked or sniped at by M if I opened up about aspirations. I was a smart kid and did well in a number of subjects - maths, science, music, languages, etc, but didn't work hard as I often felt that I was dismissed if I did. M didn't encourage to study at home or complete homework etc, though she would berate me if she got letters saying my assignments were late or not handed in. It was very difficult to parse these mixed messages and I'm afraid I just felt like I was worthless and had no future. To be honest, the only future I could envision for myself was suicide, and I never expected to make it to my 30th birthday.

Now, in my 30s, I can see that this lack of preparation for the adult world was a form of abuse. I'm not happy that I've lost such a big chunk of my productive life to these hangups and it will undoubtedly take me longer still to break through this conditioning. So I do think it's important to know that my parents are accountable, not just me, but I am also optimistic because I'm still relatively young. And I am proud of my achievements thus far, such as finishing my degree and emigrating to another country, but I know that I've held myself back, and really want to feel like I've given myself a shot at my dreams - whatever they turn out to be!

For the time being, my focus will be on my recovery, rather than career, money or skills unrelated to self-management.
I've put down some non-overwhelming practices below:

-practice "iron-clad self-care" - eating regularly and well; exercise 3-4 times per week, enough sleep, take care of housework, etc. (eating regularly is the one I have difficulty with, but have improved it lately and it has boosted my mood)
-post on OOTF or OOTS daily
-attend narcissistic support group monthly - I went last month and it was amazing
-find therapist who understands family dysfunction, PDs and developmental trauma - I've been searching and have a few options
-practice daily meditation based on Joe Dispenza's "Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself", to improve my patterns of thinking and reactions to events. I haven't started doing this yet but have read the book and will make this week "week 1" of the process
-figure out some sort of creative outlet - probably creative writing, or playing my guitar. The trick will be to keep it about expression and not pressuring myself at this time to live up to the perfectionistic standards I always felt I needed to live up to if I wanted to try anything (it just stopped me trying!)

I would also like to improve my work habits, as at the moment, I just do the bare minimum and have to do a lot of catching up last-minute, which really stresses me out and makes me feel inadequate. I still struggle with the idea of doing more work that I have to, although I would love to feel confident that I'm really good at my job (I am pretty decent at it, but I don't feel completely comfortable in myself).

I would also like to look at my spending and finances, but I think it will be too much right now. I can perhaps add one or two smaller goals or the habit of regularly recording spending when I am comfortable with the habit of daily meditation.
« Last Edit: April 21, 2019, 01:35:36 PM by Oscen »

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practical

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Re: Thinking about goals that won't overwhelm me
« Reply #1 on: April 22, 2019, 05:19:10 PM »
These are some great goals, my thought is, do start in on them in stages, if you try to do them all at once you might feel utterly overwhelmed. And another important thing, if you  find you didn't  for example meditate one day, or your mind kept drifting, forgive yourself. A lot of this goes two steps forward one backwards in my experience, and yes, sometimes it might feel like two forward and three backwards  :roll: . Be patient with yourself. You might also find that when you work on one thing, others fall into place on their own, as you are changing the path of your thinking, your habits, and it will ripple out in circles.

As for eating, could you set a timer on your phone to remind yourself?

Sending you strength!
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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1footouttadefog

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Re: Thinking about goals that won't overwhelm me
« Reply #2 on: April 29, 2019, 09:31:36 PM »
I find it less overwhelming to work on them all a little at a time instead of focusing on one and trying to perfect that area.

When I focus on just one area, the rest fall out of control. 

Take care of your self holistically, do a little for each aspect of yourself. 

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athene1399

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Re: Thinking about goals that won't overwhelm me
« Reply #3 on: May 23, 2019, 09:57:11 AM »
I think these are perfect goals! Like Practical & 1 Foot said, it may be easier to break them down into smaller steps and then working your way towards these as the end result. Like if you want to exercise 4 times a week, maybe start walking a couple times a week, then start adding days at the gym or increasing how often you walk until you meet the 4 times a week. Or working on only one goal at a time, then adding more once you have the first one down.